Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
Hello everyone. I found this online after searching for days for help so I hope that I can try to find something remotely related to peace or at least help in finding something that resembles help.
A month ago, my world was flipped upside down. I know that you all know what that feels like. That conversation that comes out of nowhere and just hits you in the face. I was almost asleep - exhausted because the issues with my bratty teenage daughter and spouse were already getting under my skin. When the woman I married started talking to me. She said, "I think I know what's going on with me." I mumbled and tried to stay awake. "It's been bothering me a while, but I think it's because I'm trans." I'm awake now. What? What is this? Huh? Inside, I kept asking question after question, just trying to understand what was just said to me.
The next morning, I woke up, hoping it was just a dream. Now, I know that she was always weird about her body - didn't like her hips, didn't like for me to pay attention to her breasts, but she feels that he's trans? I had no idea this was coming. In fact, we've joked in the past when I was hurting from my period that I should just transition into a man and she said she would so that she can stay gay. She's told me before, that even though she is more masculine, she still was a woman. And so this was a complete shock. But it wasn't a dream.
The next day, he talked to me about wanting to start hormones and have gender reassignment surgery. Even to the point where he said he wanted me to help design his penis. Talked about wanting to grow a beard and a mustache like Salvador Dali. I wasn't allowed to say anything to anyone for two weeks and even then, what would I say?
I married someone who I thought was a woman. Although I've been pansexual most of my sexual life, I'm homoromantic. I don't connect well with men mentally or emotionally and I'm not incredibly attracted to a lot of male physicalities. I'm attracted to his female body, the woman I thought I married.
Now, already, they've found a "therapy" office that will for $300 provide a 2-hour session and 2 letters: one for hormone therapy and top surgery. That isn't therapy. They asked if he was sure about it, and he said yes so I guess that doesn't mean that he has to go to therapy before doing these things to permanently change his body? It just seemed off.
But, okay, I get it. It is a life long feeling of not knowing what's going on in your head and not matching physically and that it creates a lot of mental anguish and issues. I get that. And I have no problems with people living their authentic selves. I have several trans friends and I love them all dearly.
But this is hard for me. This is my woman I was proud to call my wife now being called a different name, wanting to change his body, jumping into all this change and I'm just here like what the fuck!?
Everyone around: "Omg, I'm so proud of you. Good for you. You're so brave."
Meanwhile, I have never felt so scared and confused in my life. I've had two people check in with me since finding this out and it's just about how great it is that I'm supportive. But, I'm not. I don't like this. This hurts. I feel like the entire dynamic of my relationship is flipped and I don't like it. Monday is our wedding anniversary and now I'm no longer excited to celebrate. This isn't the person I married. And I don't want to be the asshole that leaves but I can't be supportive if I stay.
My husband is going on hormones without any counseling too and while he had been saying all along it was just to take the edge off, he told me today that his intention is to fully transition and live full-time as Woman. I feel so betrayed
And I'm okay with that. My spouse was always my #1 priority. My spouse's needs and desires ALWAYS came before my own. And you know what? My spouse always put her needs before mine as well. So, if I was looking out for my spouse's needs and so was she, who was looking out for mine? No one. That's who. And in this whole transition, I felt like I was getting steam rolled. So, if being true to my authentic self makes me an asshole, so be it.
For those of us who leave, we get that double whammy. We get the people showering our spouses with praise about how brave they are, etc., while nobody calls us brave for being our true, authentic selves even if doing so is the hardest thing we have ever had to do.
All that aside, I do understand where you are coming from. We have been blind-sided. For me, it was a coming to terms with the idea that my spouse was never "all in" like I was. For 20+ years, I told my spouse (mtf) everything. I told her about my skeletons (knowing it could mean that she would walk), but I loved her and respected her enough to tell her the truth. She NEVER showed me that same love and respect until we were over 20 years into our relationship and ONLY because telling me served HER needs.
So, yeah, I get it. Not a day goes by that I don't miss my husband and the future we had planned. But I had to look at the reality of my situation and I had to give myself a chance at love.
And I actually identify as demisexual and demiromantic, so gender isn't the main issue. I can't form the emotional bond I need with someone who lied to me for 20+ years and betrayed me the way my spouse did.
I wish you well.
I don't necessarily feel that leaving makes you an asshole. I feel that about myself. So I apologize if I have offended you in this way.
That being said, I know it is a choice that everyone has to make. I feel like I would be an asshole for leaving because everyone else is so supportive and I'm still heartbroken. I feel like he is needing so much from me in order to be his authentic self, and I'm not on board just yet. I mean, it's only been a month. But after 5 years (which is nothing compared to 20), I feel like this "sudden realization" is really going to kill everything we had on my end.
I know that I should be supportive and I honestly feel like yeah, if that's who you are, then go for it. But this is just hard. We are currently trying to expand our family. I've been going through fertility treatments and have an IUI scheduled this month and now this on top of it? Like, these were our dreams and now I don't know if I want them together anymore.
It's so hard when your spouse has been dealing with the issue by themselves for so long and then when we are finally told, we are so behind and our spouses are ready to transition the next day. I think anyone would have a difficult time with any sudden change like that.
Give yourself some time. You can feel one way one week and another way the next week. You are going through the stages of grief--let yourself experience them.
Your feelings are completely valid even the negative ones. We are here for you! *hugs*