Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
Hello Everyone,
I stumbled across this group and I think it would be beneficial for me. Me and my partner have been together going on 2 years. Early in our relationship he cane out to me as wanting to be a woman. He was uncomfortable telling the whole truth and first told me it would be a sexual fantasy of his to change gender roles, I was all for it. When he kept describing it and obsessing over this one fantasy I knew it was more than just a one time session of role playing. I asked him about it and he came out to me as being trans. Since then we have not talked much about it.
His online acitivity in the trans community has caused a huge strain on our relationship. He began to send explicit texts, videos, and pictures to transitioned MTF. This created a huge problem because this is a form of infidelity. I started to feel insecure about what he wanted from our relationship, online he seemed to be attracted to women who have not fully transitioned, and still have a penis. I have feelings that when he does begin to transition, he will not be attracted to me being a woman.
I am having a a very difficult time understanding his feelings, especially considering he does not discuss them with me. I try and encourage him to start dressing fem and doing his makeup, but he continues to shy away from it. We now have our own place together and I am open to him being his true form in the house, but he’s continues to put it off.
I guess to condense my feelings into one sentence, I feel hurt and discouraged that he is able to open up so in depth to strangers, but he can’t open up to his partner. I’m not sure what to do next, I don’t know where our future lies if he won’t let me see she.
I believe that vulnerable people have a good instinct for who is truly supportive and who is just going through the motions for a secondary gain. You said that when your spouse first came you to you, the two of you didn't talk about it much. Lots of women just think that letting sleeping dogs lie is the best approach and they hope the problem just kind of goes away. Sometimes it does for a while.
It's real nice that you are now willing to talk about it and you are open to him femming in your home. I believe he may have sensed that you were reluctant and shut you out. Gender identity issues are very personal for some people and other feel comfortable letting it all hang out. I sounds like you spouse the former.
As for his texting in the trans community, that could be construed as cheating but maybe not. I don't know that I would assume he likes females in the process of transforming with male junk still intact. He may just be curious about that piece of the transformation and talking to them about whatever they want to talk about, be it sex or whatever, is getting him the first hand information he craves. Sometimes those situations are not what they seem from the outside looking in. A lot goes into turning a male into a female physically and some of it is really odd. Seeing people who have transformed would be of value if he is considering going down that path.
I would hesitate to consider him truly trans unless he's met with a gender therapist and they have come to that conclusion together. He may be gender fluid or any number of other things. You won't know until he actually talks to someone. I'd start there. The therapist can help him get the answers he's seeing by talking to other trans people and help the two of you get an open dialogue going between the two of you.