Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
I met my husband to be when i was 19, we used to work together, dated and married about 2 years later. Things were great at first, bought a house together, found out we were going to have a baby, it was bliss at first. When my daughter was 2 we were having a few problems in the marriage, a few things began to change, his mood swings, i thought it was pressure from working long hours, my daughter was being looked after my parents while we were at work. When one evening he sat me down and said he liked wearing womens underwear. alarm bells started ringing, i was confused, didnt know what to do or say. i thought maybe no harm in it as i loved my family, didn't want to break the marriage, and accepted the situation.. Eventually we have 2 more children, things were not too bad, wasnt happy deep down, but just let it go, as where would i go with 3 children in tow. As the girls got older age maybe about 10 12, they started to notice things about there day, they noticed, the washing on the line, and saw nightwear and underwear that did not belong to me. So they asked me, i said ask your dad, he told them about his secret, bearing in mind they are only children. A few more years passed, husband changed yet again, moody, not wanting to join in family events and gatherings at my parents house, so for a few years he didn't join many gatherings, or family outings. If i questioned anything he would get physically violence, abusive, so i kept quite over the years, he has been cross dressing for 28 years now. It has all come to ahead early last year, he wanted to have more the dressing going to social transgenger groups, and wanted me to join him. I refused i was embarrased as it is, no way would i want to do that.
Over the years he has met all his needs, spent so so much money i could have bought a new house with. All his needs have been met i feel in turmoil as this is not what i wanted from my marriage at all, the best thing that has happpened is my 3 wonderful children, mind you they are not children any more, my oldest is 29, then another daughter who is 26, and a son who is 19. My son does not know about his dad.
This is where it gets complicated, we have two businesses together, he has accumulated debts.
He is a fanatic, runner, (womens running Gear)
Keeps his fitness regime very high, all what is left now is the wig, makeup and shoes, has everything else.
I dont know which was to go, as he thinks i am just having another row, i have been saying for the last 3 weeks go and live your life somewhere else, where you can fulfil all your fantasies, and desires. i dont want any of it....
Fed up fed up... He wants his cake and eat it.. He wants both, i just want normality in my life, i am nearly 52 years old being with him since i was 19... Its time i lived my life.... Feel so broken, confused, and he is carrying on in the house as if nothing is wrong.
How am i suppose to get out.. No escape......
I am so sorry for your pain, and that you had to find your way here. You are not alone. The confusion, the secrecy, the isolation, and hopelessness, is something most of us in this group have gone through. Your story is all too familiar.
I know you feel like there is no escape. Just living day to day with your husband takes all of your inner resources. The emotional roller coasters our spouses put us on is a form of abuse. I want you to know it is possible to escape. It can be terrifying to think about leaving and going it alone. Making such a huge change in your life. Particularly when you get to our age can be daunting. (I'm 60) Once you make the choice to leave, and know that is what you want, it gets easier. One little step at a time.
Keep posting here. Make sure you have a friend, relative, therapist, someone to talk to that is on your side. Then tell someone else. Build a support system, just for you. Talk about your feelings and what you want out of your life. Write down your feelings. The more you do this, the more it will be possible to see the route out and what it is you want in your life. You have already sacrificed so much of yourself for your marriage and to raise your children. It is time to take care of yourself. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to live a life that feels normal to you.
Start researching how to separate the businesses, or to have him buy you out, since he is accumulating debt. Look into divorce or legal separation laws in your state. Also, start setting money aside. Take every step you can think of to legally and financially protect yourself. Start living as independently as possible, go out with friends, or do activities that do not include your husband, take steps to build an active life outside of your marriage.
My husband didn't believe me at first either, when I told him we needed to separate. Then he would actively avoid those conversations. Have them anyway. Tell him over and over that you are serious.
I know you feel like there is no escape, there is. you can do it. It won't be easy. Ask for help!!! It took me years to finally get out of my marriage. Ultimately, there was a huge sense of relief and well being after we split. There will be many challenges to creating a new life for yourself. I am about to hit the one year mark since my ex-husband moved out. At first it felt like I had jumped off a cliff into the abyss. My friends were there, that helped. Lots of paperwork, and sorting things out this past year. I still have a lot of emotional work to do. Now that the paperwork is out of the way, it is easier to concentrate on that. Things are getting better.
Strength and courage,
Herstory
Thank you for your advice. I am sorry to hear that you have also had the similar journey just like me, i guess we are all here for the support, guidance. This has been a difficult journey still have a long way to go, it is only this week that i talked about it to a close friend. I went to see my doctor, who recommended that i see a therapist, i have not plucked up the courage to go to make the initial first appointment.
I have had some legal advise if i should sell the house, unfortunately the debts that my husband has solely on my name, so i am liable to pay. I tried to speak to my husband today, but to no vail, he wants to stay with me and work out the problems, and issues that i have about his cross dressing, and walking up feeling like a woman most mornings. We are going round and round in circles with this issue.
He wants me to support him until he sees a therapist, about his cross-dressing. He said i have still the man you married, the cross-dressing is just the external bit of him. He did say today shall i stop all the dressing and will you stay with me..... In turmoil... Great his needs first as always...
He wants more and more.
herstory - you have alot of strength and courage to have walked away and carried on with your life on your own, wish you well.
I
There is a way out.
There is a way forward. I took it.
her story's advice is excellent!
I was married 20 years: my husband told me about his gender and sexual confusion a few years later.
I supported him and closed my eyes to things and hoped everything would go away. They didn't. We agreed to a divorce and awaiting its finalization. I am 62.
Sometimes, I think we should have separated 10 years ago but we were not ready. For one thing, I would not have been convinced that it was the right thing to do. We have a son who is 14 and living with me. The three of us know that divorce is the right thing for us.
Toward the end of our time living together, I realized that my husband had become more and more emotionally unstable and irrational. So, I planned things like how to support myself financially on my own. I didn't consult with him. I knew that I would not get emotionally support. His message, in small ways, would be that I could not make it on my own.
He wanted it all.
He has been gone six months. He is working toward his transition to a woman. My son and I agree that he seems happy. And our home life is so peaceful now. I have worked at teaching boundaries in expressing anger. And he is learning them and knowing that shouting, for example, is never appropriate, behavior he copied from his father.
So, life is good.
I am due to talk to a therapist on 30th Jan which seems along way. I am trying to juggle things at home. I am thinking about leaving with my 19 year old son, need to find a place first, and leave the family home, as he has no plans to leave, he is apparently trying to raise the money to buy me out.. My financial situation is ruined as he has left me with more than £30,000 in debt, this is solely on my own name, this has had a knock on effect on my credit scoring.
I am going to take baby steps, at present, as i am still in a state of confusion, shock, tearful, thinking why the hell did i stay, and wasted all the years we have been together with a man that did not care about nothing but himself, has all been about him. I have also informed both my daughters, they are going to support me all the way, they are not happy with the way their dad has been physically and mentally abusive.
It will take time to get out of this relationship.
Thank you for your message.
I understand he didn't do this to hurt me. We have been together such along time, we have been to amazing places, spent lots to time with the children as they were growing up. I am trying to understand more about transgender to help him, but it is very difficult for me too, I feel as though i am losing my husband that i married. I love him and my children very much. I want to see him happy, going to take baby steps, and try and work our issues out, it would be nice to have a decent chat with him, so i can understand what he wants in life. I will wait patiently now until he has decided what me may wish to do.