I wondered how long it would take. I know and appreciate many people who are down with this bullshit. Clearly you are one. I wish you and your partner well. I want good things for you. Some of us are not down with this. We didn't sign up for it. It's not in our personalities. We love and respect our spouses very much. I'm not afraid. I will not be browbeat by him or anyone else into this lifestyle. Just as all of you have a right to choose, so do I. I love modern America. You will agree with me or you will be shamed, ridiculed and condemned into submission. I will not. I'm not playing. Ya'll have your own deal. I can still love and appreciate you and call bullshit. No fear coming from here. Just the facts as I see them. I believe I read the facts from you as you see them. No hell fire and brimstone. Many gay, bi, trans friends. Just not my deal. God loves us all. I feel like I might have heard fear mongering in the above post. I'm glad you're here. There are people here who need to hear from someone who sees the world through eyes similar to yours. Likewise there are people who aren't going to go along with this crap no matter how much pressure is applied and they need to know tgey are supported too. We'll do well to appreciate everyone. Welcome. You definitely have a place here.

smarmes,

Thank you for writing this. I too found this group because it is the top result. There is a lot of ignorance, a lot of misgendering like you pointed out, but also, a lot of folks speaking out from their hurt and confusion.

I'm a ciswoman and my spouse currently identifies as bigender, so pronouns depend on how they are expressing their gender in the moment. This is a big change from when I married a man who crossdressed occasionally in the privacy of our home and didn't immediately identify with the term transgender. Now he does.

I'm about as liberal and progressive as they come, and I've been working to educate myself on trans issues. I want to be an ally. But the more my spouse expresses as a woman, the more I realize that I don't have romantic or sexual feelings for her. I have love, yes, so much love. I would never want to abandon her, But she deserves a spouse who will love her, romance her, seduce her and be seduced by her in a way I am not able to give. We both know it, and it's very hard. She only wants to be with me, and I am only thinking of what we are both missing out on. She's the only person I've ever been with, so I wonder.

BUT, I find myself feeling so proud, grateful, and even a little jealous of you, smarmes, for your confidence and willingness to stay with your spouse. It's true that gender expression or even physical attributes of biological sex do not define personality. And I'm holding on to that wisdom of yours. But I'm realizing that I'm attracted to masculinity, not just male anatomy or biological maleness. It's a struggle.

I don't intend to leave my spouse, but I also don't intend to force him/her or myself to be unhappy for the rest of our lives. Right now, the good days outnumber the bad days; we're being honest, we're talking, we are working, and we're loving each other. But she deserves to have what I can't give her, I know that.

Thanks for being here, sharing with us,

I haven't posted in this group in a long time, but have been reading posts and following along, glad to see the group grow and become more active, but I really feel the need to respond to this post. I have to take issue with your attitude towards the people in this group. You know those "horror stories" you read. They are not hyperbole or fear mongering they are the real painful experiences of the people on these boards. And how lucky we are to have this space and these people to talk to. I consider this group as part of my personal support team. The people in this group have quite literally helped change my life for the better.

This was the only online group I found that actually supported ME and what I was going through. The shock, the confusion, the secrecy, the emotional roller coaster, the denial of my sexuality, my declining mental and physical health. This group helped me clarify my feelings, respect and protect myself. Every other group was telling me, I was suppose to go along with everything my transgendered husband was doing and I was to support him/her, be a cheerleader, and if I didn't think my husband transitioning was the most wonderful thing in the world, there was something wrong with me. Hell no, the only thing wrong with me was to put up with my ex-husbands terrible behavior towards me and our marriage for as long as I did.

Dire predictions about the future? Damn right. If other woman are living through what my ex-husband put me through, they will be suffering. Why should they allow their spouse's behavior to cause them mental and physical pain? This group helped me realize I was contorting my self to accommodate a man who was an emotional mess, and completely self-absorbed. He didn't care about me, our family or our marriage. He cared only about himself.

How lucky you are if you can be healthy and whole in this situation. Many of us, socially and philosophically accept transgendered folk, and that can also be a part of what makes our experiences and the decision to stay or go so gut wrenching.

Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of our decision to divorce. This time last year I felt like I just jumped off a cliff into the darkness. Now, I know, I took a leap of faith in myself. I don't regret leaving my marriage for an instant. I have a peace of mind that I have not felt in years, I am calmer. I am off the crazy emotional roller coaster. I am finding my way as a single woman. I turned 60 this year, and I feel younger and healthier than I have felt in years. I am happier. I am still emotionally raw, I have much more healing ahead of me before I really feel whole again. I'm getting there, and its good.

The pain here is real.

Thank you for writing this, herstory. For all my strength, you have no idea how much I needed that. This is so emotionally draining and to go to work everyday and act like my life is normal is almost more than I can bear some days. Chronic stomach aches, neck aches, muscle spasms, head aches. I will be so glad when I get the courage to put an end to this. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I hate this entire mess.

StrongerToday,

I'm glad I could be of some help. I believe you will find the courage to put and end to your pain. It will take time and support. Take small steps, they will add up and you will find a way out. Joining this group was a big important step. It means you are facing this situation head on and are ready for change. You deserve all happiness. Big Hugs!

Strength and Courage

I haven't visited here is a few weeks because it seems that a ton of new members joined (yay!) but that some of them seemed pretty new to this situation and were sort of judgy. For the first 9 months after my husband came out to me, I was in complete shock. During that time I protected him, coddled him, helped him with make-up, gave up my wardrobe and was his biggest cheerleader. Had I come to this site during that time and saw what some of these veterans (sorry, lack of a better term) were saying, I might think all of these negative thoughts about them too.

But then I had an awakening of sorts and realized that I was slowly dying inside. My husband did everything he said he WOULDN'T do. He was moving full speed ahead at the fastest pace possible while our kids and I barely hung on. I know they claim to be "the same person on the inside" and while I occasionally see a glimpse of my husband, he has really changed for the worst.

So my point is.....to the newbies, don't judge those of us that have been here longer. We very well might have been just like you are now and you very well might end-up hurt and angry like many of US.

Hello.
I joined this site just now to say thank you for posting this. I am also a cis lesbian woman, who is helping my fiancée transition to a fiancé. They currently prefer gender-neutral pronouns, and we are working through new boundaries, terminology, and identities together. It's hard, but I will never stop loving them.

Thank you for sharing your kind words; I was happy to get to read them. So I wanted to step up and share mine as well. It sucks, knowing people will perceive me as straight. But it doesn't suck half as much as what they're going through, and we both help each other.

I hope any other spouses looking to be supportive ask questions, speak up, and spread love.

I am relieved to be off the emotional rollercoaster of living with a person, who did not know whether he was male or female, or was straight, bisexual or gay.

The confusion was the wrenching aspect of it all, and my attempt to help make things clear, to be there for him (I married a man, who did not divulge any of this to me for a few years).

I am happy for those who are with people who know who they are gender-wise and sexually. I was not one of these. Our 20-year marriage deteriorated as my husband's state of mind spiralled and I kept trying to support him, which eventually erased me.

We all deserve respect and love.

Either choice is valid. Some marriages split. Some become stronger. Mine has become better. I am extremely happy. But the idea that everyone in this situation can avoid divorce isn't realistic. Sex is a vital part of any marriage. If a partner wants to transition and the cis partner isn't able to maintain their own sexual satisfaction or attraction in that relationship they have every right to seek out a relationship that works for them. We ALL have the right to live as we are born to do. Also the strength of the underlying relationship comes into play.

Hello, I've just joined because I have noone to talk to about my husband and because of that and the fact that I am hurt, angry and confused I lash out at him because he didn't tell me and the life we were going to have together is gone. I know this is probably going to sound awful and I'm just asking for advice but how can you have a marriage without attraction, because I married a man and when he's dressed as a woman I don't find him attractive and it puts a wall between us.

I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate this post. I am now in an extremely aimilar position. We've been married 2 years, together for longer. I find such pride and strength in my identity as a lesbian and I am having an extremely hard time dealing with it. Out of the two of us, I have always been more outwardly feminine, but inwardly masculine. They are the opposite. I wasnt eased in to this, I didn't "see it coming".

It is nice to know someone else is in a similar boat. I would rather die than leave my partner, but that does not make the grief of losing the little things any less.

Thanks for sharing.

smarmes, I realize this post is almost 2 years old, so I'm curious how things are going now. If you two are still together and doing well. I had the same hopeful, positive mindset as you and I supported my FtM partner throughout a year and a half of his transition, with zero intention of ever leaving him. He was the love of my life. He's the one who ended up leaving me after his orientation completely shifted a year and 2 months on T. He's the one who told me that he doesn't have the emotional space for a relationship (after 3 years of being together). Told me it's too hard to be trans and in a relationship and that he only wants to focus on himself and his transition and doesn't want to have to take on any of my feelings. That I shouldn't have to grieve for his female body, even though I'm still attracted to him and love his masculine body. That I shouldn't have to process new changes. He would omit things from me, giving them to me like little breadcrumbs, completely shut down emotionally, sexually. He told me he didn't want to have to consider my feelings. The person I met before T changed entirely within a year and 2 months. It was the lack of transparency and communication, the coldness, inability to hold space for my feelings, and the inability to see past my own gender once his orientation changed - even though I was able to see past his and love him for his soul.