Oh my goodness, what a horrible situation to be in. Sorry to be blunt, but he is being a selfish pig here. Yes, he has to find his happiness, but he's got to understand that you matter in this too. I find it so sad that you see he is being the man you want to everyone but to you. Does he know how you feel? Perhaps he thinks you are being a wonderful wife because you are accepting him the way he is, so he can just carry on. If you don't tell him how you feel, this will just get worse and worse. Communication is vital here. Are you seeing a therapist? Is he? Is he planning to ever come out to the world/transition etc? I understand how hard it is for you. I knew my partner was secretly cross dressing for a year before I said anything (it was, and still is, pretty much only underwear, and unisex clothing). Another year before we even talked about the fact that he was transgender, not just a cross dresser. And those 2 years were the worst in our relationship. I am going through hell now, but am so glad we are open about our feelings, and he is now taking my feelings very much into account. We are closer and more in love than ever.
If you're scared to speak to him, try writing down your feelings in a letter or an email. My partner is away a lot and our email communications have been some of the most helpful thing we've done. One of the things I did was a 'wishlist' of what I could accept, what I couldn't accept, and a few suggestions (ie be part-time, at least externally) which he largely agreed to. Luckily, he only wears pyjamas to bed when he's with me. I haven't yet seen him in his 'female mode' (with the breast forms etc) - that is planned in the near future. We are both nervous about that.
Don't let him have your clothes - tell him to get his own bloody wardrobe! Either that, or throw out all your girly clothes, buy lots of jean/sweats/butch boots. Just kidding there!
Don't let him take you away from you. He has to find is own self, not steal your image, flattering though it may be.
Keep talking to us, I'm sure you will get some great advice from the other partners here.
Good luck.
Syl

I feel you. I definitely had a similar moment this weekend---my husband told me he recognized that he relationships with women were reflection of him wanting to be like them. Which made me feel very bad about myself, because it felt like he doesn't really love me, he just wants to be me.

He does know how I feel, to be honest he blames me for not being about to come out fully. He knows I am not interested in a lesbian relationship with him. I support him fully but it's not how I want to live my life. He thinks that he should be able to do what he wants with himself ( which he can) and nothing should change. I've tried to explain to him that some people will accept him and others won't. And that being "himself" Will come with sacrifices, but he doesn't think it should. He believes he should be allowed to have his cake and eat it too. So instead he quietly punishes me behind closed doors. Honestly his fantasy is he becomes a woman and I become a man and we live in bliss forever. Not going to happen. Ever.

He is going into see a therapist soon. Some walk in clinic doctor told him he can do a test online (idiot) so he did. He asked me to watch him and I did and I saw him manipulate the answers to get what the results he wanted. He got a "you're 97% transgender" so it's now his bible. Secretly of course.

I've gone, I haven't found anybody who will listen without jumping onto the transphobic bandwagon. I want them to hear I have nothing against trans people but I have everything against the man who knew this from day one but decided it was easier to hide himself until after we had kids then let me have a chance somewhere else. I have everything against the man who allowed me to live in this false reality he created and build my whole life with him only to find out it will never be possible.

As for stealing my stuff... I bought that sweater because I haven't bought myself anything for a long time for this reason. I really liked it and now it's ruined. He says he will buy me another one but I don't care, I don't want it. It doesn't have the same appeal to me anymore. Nothing does really.

Cora that is EXACTLY how I feel.

Re the online tests, they are certainly not to be taken as gospel! My guy did the two best known ones (can't remember the names now) and both times came up very clearly as androgyne. Which kind of gives me hope (I can live with androgyne, I'm a bit tomboyish myself) - although as I've just said, it is not gospel and after therapy he may well come up as more clearly MTF transgender. I haven't actually asked my guy about his relationships with women reflecting what he wants to be. Not sure I dare! He does always like quite butch/androgynous women (Sandra Bernhardt/Amelie Mauresmo/Martina Navratilova and his absolute favourite has always been Lauren Bacall). I'm not butch at all though, but neither am I pretty pretty feminine either.
Keep strong, girls, we can get through this.
Syl

My husband read the book "My New Gender Workbook" by Kate Bornstein. There are a bunch of quizzes in it--kinda of serious, kinda of not. And he took one quiz that basically told him that no one will react well to his transition. He was very upset about this (of course), but I just rolled my eyes, because seriously, I could have told him that (but he doesn't listen to me of course).

I dread telling his parents. They are traditional Chinese immigrants. I kinda feel like his mom is going to blame me for this.

My guy's parents are both dead, he barely has any contact with his only sister. My dad is also dead and my mum has dementia. I'm quite glad in a way, as we won't have to deal with the older generation (my parents are/were Polish). My family are pretty liberal and would be accepting, although they would probably find it hard to believe if we ever told them (after nearly dying from laughter first, they would think we were kidding). My daughters would be ok with it, but my sons would be the biggest problem - 14 year olds living in a peasant backwater of Spain...they would be teased mercilessly. I hope it doesn't come to that.

My husband thinks we all owe it to him to not change a thing. He acts like we've all made him endure this horrible life of being trapped in a man's body. Even though all the choices made are his.

He know his family won't approve and I'm not interested, but I don't see why that would stop somebody. The world is so accepting now and he would have a whole new community as support. He's doing it the wrong way. He's making people invest I to relationships and business with him and rightfully so they will be upset about his lies.

whatslove, I'm reading your post again and I still don't understand how/why your spouse is wearing a corset to bed. That has got to be incredibly uncomfortable.

Cora I agree. I don't know why he would do it. When I fell asleep he was in PJ's and when I wake up he's in a corset...

I don't have much positive to say, but I want you to know that I could have written your post a year ago. My husband came out to me, started hormones, and lived life 24-7 as her new authentic self in the matter of 3 months. We'd been together for 17 years before that.
But she behaved the same way. She was being sneaky because she knew I wouldn't like what she was doing. But her sneakiness made me very uneasy and it destroyed trust. She took my things, coached me in what she thought I should wear (which really pissed me off). I did the same as you and protested by self-neglect. I stopped wearing makeup for months (which is something I had always enjoyed... I was one who didn't leave the house without makeup on before then).
I would love to give you sage advice, but all I have for you is this........ You aren't alone. Your spouse is being selfish, and that may or may not improve. You don't deserve to be treated this way. Your spouse should be considering your needs and feelings as a partner would. I'm sorry that isn't the case. Mine began acting like a 13 year old girl once she came out. She was on hormones (which mess with everyone regardless of gender) and finally could play with all of the hair and makeup and clothes that she'd (apparently) always dreamt of. Mine had always been a self-centered person, but she just became so much more selfish.
I hope that things improve for you and you are able to get some footing. You are not alone.

Hi Wather. Wow, that is fast! It's taken my man 3 years so far and he still hasn't come out to the world, or even to me in a big way. Can I ask, are you still together? Do you think you will stay together?
My man has always been self centred too, and started the journey that way too (he didn't tell me, and bought a ton of really 'out there tarty' female underwear etc without a thought for me). Once I found out, the fear of losing me really hit home and he has slowed right down, and toned down too. He has suddenly become much more caring and selfless - VERY unlike him - maybe his female side? Who knows.
Syl