Spouses of Transgender Community Group

Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...

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17whoaminow 10/29/2017

Ok, so...I am in the book, and a great deal of it is other people's stories, which I skipped over. Then I got the the portion of the text where she provides her professonal assessment. On page 68 she lists eight key strategies:

1) settling the AIDS issue (the book is mostly about the gay/lesbian/homosexual angle)

2) Asserting the straight spouse's sexual needs

3) Accommodating to the partner's sexual identity

4) Reassessing the mixed-orientation marriage

5) Putting the gay factor into perspective

6) Rewritting marital rules

7) Developing a non-dependent relationship

8) Forming a lasting couple bond.

Well, number 6 made me close the book. There is no way I am "rewriting" the marital rules. Call me conservative, but, I believe in monogamy and I do not believe in "open marriage." So, I do not think I am going to finish the book. If those are the ways that we need to keep our marriages together, then maybe we aren't supposed to be together. If a person has to go outside the marriage for sexual satisfaction, then they are building a personal, intimate and emotional connection with another person. How does that maintain the closeness of the original couple? So, that is my take on the book.

gallinarosa 10/29/2017

Is that definitely what she meant by "rewriting the marital rules"?

Sylph 10/29/2017

Maybe there are other marital rules she is referring to? Not necessarily to do with monogamy/open marriage? Does she elaborate that at all?

Syl

17whoaminow 10/29/2017

I don't know - I stopped reading. I am a conservative person, I took it as it was written. What could rewriting marital rules mean? Either way, it's not an option for me, so I put the book away.

Cora 10/30/2017

I've read the book a little bit--I need to go back to it--but I thought there was a really interesting section where one of her clients decided to try to do an open marriage. She shows the client's diary/reactions over the course of a year of them trying this.

Ultimately, her client came to the realization that the open marriage just wasn't working working for them. I can't remember the exact details, but it sounded like it was just exhausting.

Anyway, what I got from it was that, this couple tried to make it work in good faith, but realized that it just wasn't going to. I don't think think I would try for an open marriage, but I felt like I lived vicariously through this couple.

Anyway, the end section of the book really helped me when I was feeling really down. It talks about grieving and how to get excited about your new life.

gallinarosa 10/30/2017

Before I read your comment, I took marital rules to mean all the little things a couple agrees to among themselves having to do with roles, chores, finances, expectations, etc. For instance, how a couple agrees about making spending decisions could be a marital rule.

I don't know the book at all except that you guys have mentioned it, so I don't know. An open marriage just sounds like an exhausting minefield. Not my cup of tea.

Cora, when it talks about getting excited about your new life, does it mean without your spouse or either with or without, but "new" nonetheless?

Cora 10/31/2017

I'll have to take a look again to see what they mean by "new rules." I do know she did talk about an older couple who stayed together--the husband realized he was gay--and ultimately they stayed in the marriage despite their "mixed orientation marriage" (It's so weird to say that!) and they were happy with what they decided--which I think involved a sexless marriage, but they were both cool with that. (So no open marriage in that case.)

I'll have to look again at the "new" life section--it may have included staying with your spouse, but it being "new" nonetheless. Overall, it was talking about mourning your current relationship and you will need to work towards accepting and getting excited about your new life. It talked about how you can't let anger and negativity to destroy you. So, that was very helpful for me to hear---that I can't let my anger ruin the rest of my life. I think that's where "get excited about your new life" comes in.

gallinarosa 10/31/2017

Thanks Cora. Maybe I will try to read it. I definitely need to find *something* to get excited about.

Cora 11/05/2017

So, I dived into this section a bit more. The "rewriting the rules" section does focus on sexuality quite a bit. And it seems when it comes to sexuality, it's really hard to compromise. None of the few options really seem appealing.

I do like the other sections though of "Developing a non-dependent relationship"--my spouse has always been pretty needy and I think it's a really good reminder that to figure out what you really want and be able to advocate for it, you should take some time away from your partner and be autonomous.

The "Forming a lasting couple bond" talks about what we kinda talk about here. It says the key to success is "openess, flexibility, candor and humor." But that also might mean, the relationship you'll have is one of friendship, not necessarily a marriage.

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