Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
Hi Every one
I am new but reading through some of your posts I think I have found a place where I can feel support, let off steam and discuss what is happening in my world of weird.
I have been with my partner for 10 years, a tall dark handsome MAN . I knew he had issues- childhood stuff controlling mother, absent father low esteem, he said he never felt like he fitted in, a history of failed relationships, no friends, drug and alcohol problems. All these issues he seemed to have conquered by the time I met him and he appeared to be very normal. I fell in love with a nice normal handsome sexy man who was a very active lover. ( He now tells me it never felt right and he was trying to be the man he thought he should be but never really felt.
He has always had anger issues and cannot bear being disagreed with. Over the last few years anger and annoyance became rage and constantly feeling sorry for himself . Eventually we went to marriage guidance to see if we could work out why he was so angry and why we ended up screaming at each other over trivial things. Seriously he could get to rage over how i stirred his coffee! It was terrible bewildering and heartbreaking as I really love him and honestly felt like I was doing everything possible to make him happy. I really couldn't work out what was so wrong.
after 2 therapy sessions the therapist shocked him I think by asking me why was i staying in this abusive relationship. That night he asked me to help him find a skirt to wear and since then things have moved very fast.
He has gone from wanting to dress ( June2015 ) " but I don't want hormones to OMG I need hormones and I need them now but I don't want surgery" to " i need surgery asap " Almost immediately in June he became she , name change, dressing 24/7 and taking hormones. She is totally selfish and self absorbed spending her time gazing in the mirror to see if boobs have grown, and having tantrums because they are not growing as fast as she wants and its every ones fault that she wasn't born a girl. It really is like living with a hormonal unreasonable teenager most of the time. I work to support us and try really hard to support her emotionally and support her transition . Mostly I am very positive and compliment her on how she looks , help with hair make up etc. She doesn't want to do anything apart from work on being a girl and I try to go with it , not ask her to do anything but just support her as much as is humanly possible. I try not to mind that I have nothing for me right now , I work, cook etc and every spare moment or thought is helping her become a woman. I really dont mind any of that but what I do mind is the tantrums and the feeling that when things are not how she wants she takes it out on me.
I had no clue at all. BUT i do love this person and want to try to stay, but OMG does she ever make it hard.
I recognise that I am grieving for the man I have lost but I am trying to see if a relationshiip can be established with this new person ( same person inside different package ??? ) but I am finding it hard. Its like I went to bed with my husband and one morning a strange very demanding woman has taken his place and I am suposed to be happy about that. I feel like I have to be supportive, accommodate any changes, tolerate any behaviour and not rock her world with my feelings. She is so so happy because she is becoming who she wants to be and doing what she wants to do and therefore its all positive for her ( hard in otherways but she is doing what she wants to do to be true to herself ) I on the other hand have not chosen this but feel that I am selfish if I am not super happy for her. It is hard and a conflict because I do want her to be happy and wouldnt ask her to be a man if she isn't but at the same time I feel that this has been thrust upon me and that's ok I can cope but I still find it a loss and difficult and life changing and I am putting so much effort into helping her get to somewhere I don't really want to be.
That makes it sound as if I am a reluctant supporter - and that's not really how it is . I am supportive but I do get tired of having nothing for me . My needs are so far on the back burner they no longer exist and that hurts.
I am trying hard to shift and see us as 2 women but I am not a lesbian and I do not really like the world seeing me as that but I am willing to try and see the person not the body. The worst thing is the feeling that she is so aroused by herself and her fantasy of being made love to as a woman that there is no room for me at all. I feel that I am just here to service her needs.
There is not even a little scrap of a feeling that she is attracted to me but it feels like she asks me what she can do for me out of guilt because she is getting what she wants. . Then I don't want anything sexually from her if its a charity thing. I would just like to feel wanted I suppose.
She meanwhile is having the sex she always dreamed of ( anal although she imagines its her vagina ) She also openly admits that she loves the thought of cock but insists that she doesn't like a man attached to it. ( She has had a huge obsession with ladyboy/ porn and has called herself after her favourite ladyboy porn star !
We have not had sex for years and I am supposed to be ok with her ladyboy porn thing by the way. The thought that she gets off looking at ladyboys and has no interest in me is a killer. I am told I am ridiculous if I say it makes me feel insecure and she says she has the right to look but wouldn't actually be unfaithful and its my problem that I feel bad. I think I wouldn't be bothered if we had a sex life but as we don't I cant help feeling that she is turning to something she really wants and its not me .
It does make me question her sexuality. Her love of cock , looking at ladyboyporn, fantasizing etc is a big urge and I suspect that she may want to explore that side of things although she says not. ( That would be the end for me I am not that tolerant ) My feeling is that perhaps she wants to be female so much that part of it for her is being penetrated by a penis but she is terrified of being gay so disassociates the penis from a male hence the ladyboy thing. A pretty woman with the penis she craves which makes it acceptable to her.
She says she loves me and wouldn't be unfaithful even if she did decide that she fancied men. Is it wrong of me to feel that I don't want to be second choice and that in the future she thinks its a good thing that she might do me the huge favour of denying her urges for men because she is with me. It is such a headf.......
wow once i started it seems like a bit of a rant and I feel like i could go on forever so apologies for that. I could really just do with some friendly contact with people who understand what I am feeling right now.
love
Treece
I am new but reading through some of your posts I think I have found a place where I can feel support, let off steam and discuss what is happening in my world of weird.
I have been with my partner for 10 years, a tall dark handsome MAN . I knew he had issues- childhood stuff controlling mother, absent father low esteem, he said he never felt like he fitted in, a history of failed relationships, no friends, drug and alcohol problems. All these issues he seemed to have conquered by the time I met him and he appeared to be very normal. I fell in love with a nice normal handsome sexy man who was a very active lover. ( He now tells me it never felt right and he was trying to be the man he thought he should be but never really felt.
He has always had anger issues and cannot bear being disagreed with. Over the last few years anger and annoyance became rage and constantly feeling sorry for himself . Eventually we went to marriage guidance to see if we could work out why he was so angry and why we ended up screaming at each other over trivial things. Seriously he could get to rage over how i stirred his coffee! It was terrible bewildering and heartbreaking as I really love him and honestly felt like I was doing everything possible to make him happy. I really couldn't work out what was so wrong.
after 2 therapy sessions the therapist shocked him I think by asking me why was i staying in this abusive relationship. That night he asked me to help him find a skirt to wear and since then things have moved very fast.
He has gone from wanting to dress ( June2015 ) " but I don't want hormones to OMG I need hormones and I need them now but I don't want surgery" to " i need surgery asap " Almost immediately in June he became she , name change, dressing 24/7 and taking hormones. She is totally selfish and self absorbed spending her time gazing in the mirror to see if boobs have grown, and having tantrums because they are not growing as fast as she wants and its every ones fault that she wasn't born a girl. It really is like living with a hormonal unreasonable teenager most of the time. I work to support us and try really hard to support her emotionally and support her transition . Mostly I am very positive and compliment her on how she looks , help with hair make up etc. She doesn't want to do anything apart from work on being a girl and I try to go with it , not ask her to do anything but just support her as much as is humanly possible. I try not to mind that I have nothing for me right now , I work, cook etc and every spare moment or thought is helping her become a woman. I really dont mind any of that but what I do mind is the tantrums and the feeling that when things are not how she wants she takes it out on me.
I had no clue at all. BUT i do love this person and want to try to stay, but OMG does she ever make it hard.
I recognise that I am grieving for the man I have lost but I am trying to see if a relationshiip can be established with this new person ( same person inside different package ??? ) but I am finding it hard. Its like I went to bed with my husband and one morning a strange very demanding woman has taken his place and I am suposed to be happy about that. I feel like I have to be supportive, accommodate any changes, tolerate any behaviour and not rock her world with my feelings. She is so so happy because she is becoming who she wants to be and doing what she wants to do and therefore its all positive for her ( hard in otherways but she is doing what she wants to do to be true to herself ) I on the other hand have not chosen this but feel that I am selfish if I am not super happy for her. It is hard and a conflict because I do want her to be happy and wouldnt ask her to be a man if she isn't but at the same time I feel that this has been thrust upon me and that's ok I can cope but I still find it a loss and difficult and life changing and I am putting so much effort into helping her get to somewhere I don't really want to be.
That makes it sound as if I am a reluctant supporter - and that's not really how it is . I am supportive but I do get tired of having nothing for me . My needs are so far on the back burner they no longer exist and that hurts.
I am trying hard to shift and see us as 2 women but I am not a lesbian and I do not really like the world seeing me as that but I am willing to try and see the person not the body. The worst thing is the feeling that she is so aroused by herself and her fantasy of being made love to as a woman that there is no room for me at all. I feel that I am just here to service her needs.
There is not even a little scrap of a feeling that she is attracted to me but it feels like she asks me what she can do for me out of guilt because she is getting what she wants. . Then I don't want anything sexually from her if its a charity thing. I would just like to feel wanted I suppose.
She meanwhile is having the sex she always dreamed of ( anal although she imagines its her vagina ) She also openly admits that she loves the thought of cock but insists that she doesn't like a man attached to it. ( She has had a huge obsession with ladyboy/ porn and has called herself after her favourite ladyboy porn star !
We have not had sex for years and I am supposed to be ok with her ladyboy porn thing by the way. The thought that she gets off looking at ladyboys and has no interest in me is a killer. I am told I am ridiculous if I say it makes me feel insecure and she says she has the right to look but wouldn't actually be unfaithful and its my problem that I feel bad. I think I wouldn't be bothered if we had a sex life but as we don't I cant help feeling that she is turning to something she really wants and its not me .
It does make me question her sexuality. Her love of cock , looking at ladyboyporn, fantasizing etc is a big urge and I suspect that she may want to explore that side of things although she says not. ( That would be the end for me I am not that tolerant ) My feeling is that perhaps she wants to be female so much that part of it for her is being penetrated by a penis but she is terrified of being gay so disassociates the penis from a male hence the ladyboy thing. A pretty woman with the penis she craves which makes it acceptable to her.
She says she loves me and wouldn't be unfaithful even if she did decide that she fancied men. Is it wrong of me to feel that I don't want to be second choice and that in the future she thinks its a good thing that she might do me the huge favour of denying her urges for men because she is with me. It is such a headf.......
wow once i started it seems like a bit of a rant and I feel like i could go on forever so apologies for that. I could really just do with some friendly contact with people who understand what I am feeling right now.
love
Treece
I think it is time to stop feeling guilty for everything you are feeling. You have every right to not want to be with this person, to be mad, and not feel like the relationship is equal. A relationship takes two people. Your husband is a selfish asshole, just like many of the people transitioning. And it isn't right.
Has he/she sought any sort of counseling for this or for the other issues?
By the way, your husband's history is something very common among people who feel they are a different gender.
I say stop being supportive and move on with your life, as harsh as that may be, you need to get out. It is most definitely an abusive relationship and you shouldn't have to be the person who does all the work and not be able to express your feelings on the issue for fear of hurting his. Christ, I know that feeling and you gotta put your foot down! YOU are way too important to let your self slip into oblivion while your spouse sucks you dry.
I am sorry, but I am feeling the anger that you should be feeling. You deserve none of this kind of treatment or emotion upheaval. Take care of YOU because right now, there is no one more important.
appreciate you taking the time to reply. and thanks for the support xxxx
So long story short, after 9 months of being in shock I have filed for divorce. I was so kind, loving and supportive initially until I started to wake up. I realized that he was walking all over me and literally never took my feelings into account. I want the love and touch of a man and despite the fact that he might be keeping his penis, I know he wants to be a woman and that's just no good for me.
What about your preferences? Your needs? Your anger?
It's one thing to forgive and let live, but I think you need to let go. Geez... he sounds like a jerk. If he's not, then your perception of him is... so it still affects you the same way.
Take care of yourself, please. No one deserves that kind of humiliation.
Please stay in touch with us.
Hugs,
~Athena