Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
I don't have anything profound to say, but there haven't been a lot of posts recently so I figured I would throw something up here in case there's anybody going through a hard time. I have been having a rough time lately, with my husband starting HRT, and I have appreciated everybody's posts, even though I haven't commented.
One thing that's been bothering me, and I'm wondering if anyone has come across this, is the blogs or stories from ' trans spouses' that seem to be written by someone who has no idea what it's like to be in our position. I came across one of these a few months ago because it was mentioned in an NPR story, so I went and looked it up. I don't remember where I found it, but it was one of these stories where the spouse is aggressively supportive and got somewhat sad when their husband had some surgery (I think this instance was facial surgery).
So I don't actually know, but it struck me as so far from the experiences of myself or anyone in this group that I immediately dismissed it as being made up. I was thinking about this recently because my husband sent me a link to another blog (http://tisfortrans.blog/) which seems legitimate, but which I eventually found harmful (for myself and where I'm at in this). At first it seemed like it would be great, but I gradually became more depressed as I read it, and I think it's because it's this ideal spouse who is mainly concerned with supporting her partner.
Basically I feel like, if these are the sources that trans people are coming across for what 'supportive partners' are like, then we're both being set up for failure, with unreasonable expectations of what a supportive spouse looks like. And I'm suspicious of some of these stories, but I don't actually know. Has anyone else come across these stories and suspected that they were made up?
It's frustrating too, because I feel like these are exactly the people that should know better. Oh, you just want me to change my sexual preferences, no problem?!? Ugh, so sick of feeling like I'm being forced into the closet.
Sorry to vent, guess it's time to stop posting and go to bed.
My husband started hormone therapy a year ago, but only told me abou six months ago, so he started without even consulting with me about that. We have beent together 20 years, married 8/1 ten years and have a 5 year old daughter.
Things I hate hearing
"I am still the same person on the inside" Makes me feel superficial because on the outside he is FAR from the same so I should just be ok with those changes because he is still the same on the inside
"I am more social now because I am comfortable with myself" Great, so the 20 years together of his antisocial behavior, i should be thankful that despite looking like a manly woman he is social now so i should embrace that?
"If you LOVED me truly then you would support me with this" Like that is a slap for the 20 years together that at any point I could have left and stayed.
He wants me to be happy and will be ok with my doing anything, even as far as extramarital relations. Anything BUT going back to who i married before.
He cant even just be moderate with his attire. It has to be booty shorts, tight shirts that show his boobs which are BTW bigger than me, neon color socks and shaved legs. I feel like his lesbian partner
i have to do things together with him and my daughter because she suffers otherwise but i cant stand to be in public with him because im humiliated. I am a treasurer for a campaign for the town republican committee so i cringe thinking when they run into him somewhere i will be mortified
I don't necessarily worry that stories like that give my spouse a false hope, but my spouse has read stories where the cis spouse had no problems with the boobs--and he's like, "But it worked for them!" And my response is, "Um, hello, am I that person!?? No!"
Personally, if your spouse isn't asking what YOU want, and not taking into account what YOU are saying, that's the problem. They can read positive stories until the cows come home but at the end of the day, if they aren't listening to you, they aren't going to be able to meet your needs.
The lady who wrote My Husband Betty has the best line, "Those who get what they need from their spouse, stay, and those who don't, leave."
So, I don't begrudge those spouses who seem super supportive and fine with everything. I'm not them and they aren't me. Perhaps they don't care about heterosexual sex as much as I do. Maybe they prefer cuddling to sex. Maybe they are excited by the idea that they can keep their spouse as their primary partner and explore relationships outside of their marriage.
But that's not me and I have to be my authentic self.
I finally stopped talking about it. When the subject was brought up in company I didn't get involved. I moved away and didn't tell new friends my history. I'm glad I found this tonight as my children still don't want people to know. The selfishness and the nasty behaviour seems to be part of the whole thing. His new girlfriend once telephoned me and told me I was a terrible mother and that the children would grow up loving him more than me. She told me I was narrow-minded, but she hit my little boy when he went to stay with them, and so did my ex. None of this made any difference. He became a monster and it took me a long time to realise.
I just wanted him to come back and be the man I married. But he never did. I think if you can support your spouse if they are transgender, that is good, but if you are really struggling and feel depressed, then seek help from people like the ones on this forum, because you don't want to feel shitty for 17 years like I have. Hiding the truth from your children and other members of the family. Even when you do tell them, don't be surprised if they don't want to listen. People, even family, just seem to swallow the drivel about being born in the wrong body. It's getting out of hand. I'm so tired of seeing all this madness and having no voice.