Spouses of Transgender Community Group

Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...

562 Members

660 Posts

0 Online

17whoaminow 10/07/2018

I had to make an emergency counseling appointment for Saturday after a HUGE crisis moment with my spouse. I tried to talk about separation and took all the responsibility on myself. so I went to see the counselor and explained everything in detail. She said that there are many dysfunctions in our relationship and that rather than worry about the marriage work on building the partnershp so we can co-exist. We don't want to divorce, and he realizing that we will never be like a "normal" married couple, but we can remain married and be more like partners/friends. Anyway, she told me that I have to set my boundaries and be firm about them. I always apologize and acquiesce in order to avoid conflict and crying - my spouses. I can't do that anymore. I need to stand up for myself. What a freeing and validating meeting. I actually have felt so empowered this whole weekend. I got permission to stand up for myself. As women we always do whatever keeps our universe running smoothly, what the kids need, what the family needs, what the spouse needs, we almost always deprive our own needs.

I just wanted to share this. I am by NO MEANS feeling like everything is great. My understanding is that my spouse doesn't know how far this will go until the end. He thinks he is fine and then needs something else. Now he is taking voice lessons. He may not even know how far he needs this to go. We'll see, but for now, I am satisfied to focus on standing up for my needs and boundaries.

Thanks for listening ladies.

Sylph 10/08/2018

'As women we always do whatever keeps our universe running smoothly, what the kids need, what the family needs, what the spouse needs, we almost always deprive our own needs.'

Yes, this comes through so often on here. I'm the same, I HATE to rock the boat, in ANY situation. I'm a put up and shut up person. Not assertive at all.

So glad to hear you are making progress, 17, it all sounds so much more positive.

Stay strong xxx

Ldmessing 10/08/2018

Anyway, she told me that I have to set my boundaries and be firm about them
this is the hardest. when I enforce my boundaries, I am not allowing him to be "himself/herself"

it is a lose/lose

Cora 10/08/2018

Yeah, I just was talking to friend this weekend about his problems with a new girl he is seeing and I was like, "Well, you need to set your boundaries/needs and she can't do that, kick her to the curb."

It really triggered me to think about my boundaries and needs and I got upset yesterday more than I have in a long time.

I wish my spouse could meet my needs, but I am not sure if he's capable of it.

lostinDSM 10/08/2018

I can so relate to your post. I’m trying to set boundaries but my spouse is having a hard time with it. I think he still believes our marriage is ok. He sometimes fails to see the damage he’s done.
You do have to take care of yourself and make sure you are ok. I wish you strength!!!

17whoaminow 10/08/2018

Ladies! This is wonderful to hear. We need to make a promise to ourselves to commit to making one boundary with our spouses and holding it. One at a time. Recently I told my spouse I don't like kissing him when he has on lipgloss or chapstick or whatever. He said ok and makes every attempt to not be wearing it when he kisses me. I am making a concerted effort to ask before I kiss. I established a boundary and I am sticking to it. He is making an effort to respect it. Baby steps.

We are going to make it through this - together.

atmywitsend1234 10/19/2018

I have set a million boundaries only to give in time and time again. We are 5 years into it and she has completely changed everything about herself. I was in support mode this whole time and just realized in the last few months everything I have lost. I am devastated and have never felt so low in my life. She has a very strong personality and I ALWAYS give in to whatever she wants. Feel so alone and at a loss.

1newstart 10/20/2018

Hi witsend, I'm sorry you find yourself here, but I'm glad you found us.

I'm a bit confused. Are you saying you are okay with her transitioning? Or not really, but you were just wanting to be supportive of her decisions? Or you are still okay with her transition but just realizing that you need support for the loss you are experiencing?

Do you want help setting and enforcing boundaries? Or have you given up on that idea given your partner's strong personality?

Bottom line.... is there anything we can do to help or can we just be a listening ear and strong shoulder for you?

atmywitsend1234 10/28/2018

Sorry 1newstart I am just now seeing this.

I was never “okay” with her transitioning,but love her so much that I supported her in whatever she “needed” and also wanted to do. She is completely transitioned at this point with hair removal almost complete, speech therapy complete, multiple surgeries done, social transition, etc. Along the way I tried to set boundaries, but always ended up giving in because she was constantly selling her point of view to me. Like....I need this because.....this is the only thing that will help.....if I can just do this one thing I will have more relief....I have no desire ever to do that, but if I could just do this one thing....etc.

There is no hope or help for me to set boundaries now. Everything is done. She is complete in her transition, but I am sure she will continue changing in some manner because the transition has always had a frenzied manic feel to it that needs another tweak and another tweak and another tweak. It has been exhausting and I don’t think she will ever be “done” even though she has declared that she is numerous times. The shopping and modeling and possible cheek implants even after ffs already made her look like a completely different person.

I guess I just came here to try to process my thoughts and maybe get some feedback. I don’t know anymore. I feel like I gave up myself to this person and I barely recognize them at this point. I love her, but there is so much baggage with hurt and loss and too many things that I haven’t even identified yet. I also thought maybe sharing my experience might help others.

Join the Conversation