Spouses of Transgender Community Group

Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...

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/ Spouses of Transgender Support Group

So alone in this

MonsterMaker
MonsterMaker

I don't know where my community is. It seems like this is all women talking about their straight/lesbian relationships. 


I'm a gay man, and I have been with my husband for going on 7 years, dating for 4 and married going on 3. We've been through a lot together, but he's never really been much to talk about feelings- even though I have tried. (I'm a communicator, I like to talk about things, it helps me to process.) Well, around a month ago, out of the blue, he told me that he was trans. Not on my radar at all. He's always been a bearded, wrestler type guy and way more masculine than myself throughout our entire relationship. He doesn't do drag, and the only time I have ever seen him present feminine was either in jest at Halloween or performing in a skit situation. It truly was completely out of left field.


I have no problem supporting him in this. I was there for my best friend who is FTM through his transition, have plenty of other trans friends, and even dated an FTM before my husband and I met. I do not have any experience with an MTF, but that is not my issue. As his timeline is being layed out before me (we are still using masculine pronouns per his request) I feel like I am watching my husband "die" and leave me. I know he will be the same person, it's just a feeling that I can not seem to shake. He's asked me to try calling him by the name he has chosen, and that is hard for me. I love him so much, so I try... but calling him a name other than the one I have known is so much more difficult than I could imagine. I find myself missing him already. He hasn't started hormones yet, but is starting to wear femanine clothes around the house, has taken to learning to apply makeup, and has even found a great therapist and is starting to find his network of people going through the same process. His family will accept it once he tells them, mine on the other hand will most likely never speak to or see him/her again. They barely speak to me for being gay, this is tooooo much.


The other thing that I am having a hard time with is that I have been an openly gay man for around 20yrs now. I've fought to get the right to marry, but now I am going to be in a "straight" relationship for the first time in years. The fact that I still am attracted to guys- does that mean I am bi? hahaha... I can't help but laugh. I find women attractive, have dated and slept with a few in my life, but at the end of the day I have always considered myself to be gay, and that I would be with a man. I just feel like I am losing an identity that it took me so long to become comfortable with myself. I also have a career where I am relatively well known and to suddenly have a wife will cause a bit of a shitstorm of attention that I don't think either of us will be prepared for or want. I just don't know what to do.


I'm happy for him, I will support him... I just don't know who to turn to for the support that I need. So far, I have found that I am in a very small group of men in a situation that a lot of people are uncomfortable talking about. Even my FTM friends tell me that they can only imagine what I am feeling and going through, but can only partially relate. I feel so on my own with all of this.

nomadnicole
nomadnicole
I don't have much to offer you. I just found this forum myself after my husband of 14 years came out as trans 3 days ago. I just wanted to send some love and let you know that you're not alone. I'm not a gay man, so I can't relate to those aspects of your struggle but I so relate to your comments about feeling as though your husband is dying. I feel the same way. I too am mourning my a husband I loved deeply and have lost. The one positive I see to your situation is that as part of the LGBTQI community you may at least already have a good support network of people around who can understand the situation? I hope that you won't find yourself erased by his journey. As so many people come out of the woodwork to support your husband I hope you can also get some support for YOUR journey which is just as disruptive and difficult and in a lot of ways more heartbreaking.
AthenaDogani
AthenaDogani
Hi MM, it doesn't matter if you are gay or straight... this situation is not easy to deal with. Though I'm a heterosexual woman, our struggle is the same. We don't want a woman in our bed... if we did, we would have married that way. The hardest thing to deal with is that this will now become your husband's OBSESSION... and you will be left behind. You need to take care of yourself. Find someone you trust to talk to and get things off your chest. It's a very lonely place to be. We have been left in the dust. There is such a push to support the transgender person, but the spouse is completely forgotten. Please feel free to rant here, that's what we are here for. I'm on occasionally. I've written some poems to help me deal, if you feel like it, you can go check them out. It's always helpful to know that there is someone else out there who understands your struggle.

Welcome to the group, and NN... you too! I agree with you, don't let him change YOUR identity in all this.
serenestar
serenestar
I'm sorry you feel alone. The group is for you too, even if you feel outnumbered by different stories. It's hard no matter what your gender or sexuality is.
LoveIsLove
LoveIsLove
Hello. I'm not a gay man, but I am a lesbian. I feel the same sense of unease at the idea of losing the gay status I've claimed for years. My partner is just beginning their (they requested neutral pronouns for now) transition, but I do have some experiences that I think might be worth sharing.

It was upsetting to begin using their new name and pronouns when I first started practicing. It made me feel anxious, sick, afraid I would lose them just as you described. But after about two weeks of work, I realized something important. The name didn't change who they were. The pronouns, the clothes, none of it affected the way they looked at me, or the jokes they liked, or how warm the felt or how gentle they were. I found this immensely comforting.

We also talked a lot about boundaries. I told them there were sex acts I would never want to perform, and they promised to never ask me to. They had words they didn't want used, so I promised not to say them. Small, easy compromises to make sure both myself and my partner felt safe and loved were critical to lowering our anxiety over the whole thing.

I hope this helps you somewhat. It's not all fire and brimstone. Our journeys are unique, and I hope you find love in yours.
MovingOn
MovingOn
Like all of the above writers, I am sending you love and support.

I do agree with what LoveIsLove said about boundaries and words. Doing this will mean that you will continue to respect and take care of each other. Sadly, my transgender husband and I did not do this, and we are divorcing.