It's been three months since I found out and I am still struggling a bit with the same dilemma. It is not as bad as it was in the first two weeks though. I think what helped in the beginning was: venting, processing, communicating, and taking breaks from it all. Find someone to talk to besides your spouse. I have a friend who lives far away that I exchange messages with. It helps me vent. I also come here to vent/process through posts, comments, and PM's. And I write a lot. We found a therapist in the first week who specializes in gender issues. We see her together and each individually. That has been an enormous help. After the first two weeks, for us, communication between my spouse and I started to improve dramatically which helped me feel less like I needed to vent all the time. It also helped me to relax a little about everything. The hardest thing is to try to not freak out about all the unknowns of the future and trust in the present. And I have been trying to remember to "take a vacation" from it every so often and let myself forget about it entirely and enjoy something else.

But to this day, I still have a lot of issues trying to focus, particularly on mental or emotional tasks. Work has been hard to keep up with and I hate that I can't tell people why I have suddenly turned into a distracted mess. Some of my friends keep asking me if something is going on and can they help, and I hate that I have to lie to them or even just mislead them. (I tried telling one that I had a problem but I wasn't ready to talk about it and she just keeps asking. Not out of any malicious intent, just because she cares about me and is concerned.)

I did tell one or two people that my husband had some issues that he was working on that had been affecting the marriage, and left it at that. Or said he had been really miserable/grumpy and I had been talking with him to help get him out of it. Stuff like that, that isn't technically a lie, but...

Last week I talked to the therapist about it and she recommended me coming back to get some tools I could use for managing the anxiety. She thinks it is a lot to deal with so we (the spouses) get exhausted while dealing with it that affects our ability to focus.

Try to plan not to have anything to do right after a therapy session or a big talk with your spouse because sometimes you need some downtime to get out of one mode and into another. And bring sunglasses and tissues if you're a crier. In a way, we get put in our spouses closet when we find out. Living in both spaces makes you feel like Jekyll and Hyde.

Good luck and keep us posted!

Hi Gallina,

Thank you. I needed to read this to stop crying, get my shit together and get to my flight this morning. I really appreciate it.
I'm scared of what friend to tell. So many of mine are ingrained in mine and my husbands life and I want to protect him. I was able to talk to my mom. I feel so fortunate to have a woman so supportive in my life. She's a sex therapist and was able to recommend a therapist where we live. I don't know what I would do without her. I would be lost.

Hang in there Natalietastic! I've been telling people that my husband is going through a depressive episode and it's been causing problems for us. Obviously, it's not the truth, but it's not a lie either.

It's ok to be distracted and it's also ok to put it out of your mind so you can continue with your day. There will be a time and place to deal with it when you come back from your trip.

Hi Cora, thank you. I am having such a hard time not blurring out to everyone I see. I'm someone who has to talk out my emotions to feel relief. This is going to be a long week.

Natalie, I hear you. I never keep things to myself or act secretive, And talking issues out with lots of people always helps me. This way of dealing is SO foreign. But eventually it dawned on me that 1. telling a bunch of people at this point would NOT help me, it would likely make life even more complicated. And 2. the person I did tell, while being very supportive and kind, could not at all relate. Even a little. So it feels like any advice you could get would be mostly uninformed. Post here or PM me if you want to just let it all out. At least the people here can relate :)

I wish you peace, we are all here for you. It can be hard, but we can get through it.