Birdie23,

Welcome!

I agree with you...the lies and deception added to many of our situations are truly heartbreaking. Your husband appears to have a good head on his shoulders. I hope that you two can continue to communicate. Keep in mind that good communication does not guarantee that a marriage will succeed. If my ex had actually been honest with me when I eventually found out, while my mental health would have been better, I would have known that I had to leave much sooner than I did. Irreconcilable differences are what they are.

I'm glad that you have looked beyond the cheerleading sections in the trans forums. Keep up the research, knowledge truly is power.

You've mentioned how tough this has been for you. If you need to talk or to run things by women who have been in your position, let us know.

Best wishes,

Shelly

Thank you! I haven't been hopeful about this at all. It has just been the last few weeks that my husband has been thinking with some rationale. So it has only been a few days, really, that I have had even a tiny amount of hope. His idea of what is real and my idea of what is real is closer to a middle ground, but I fear he still thinks that I will just get used to any changes he makes. Like boiling a frog, you know?
I do want people to know that this is more or less a society induced issue. And instead of seeing only black and white, we need to see all sorts of grey ( not 50 shades....). It can help our spouses in the long run. I want mine to be mentally healthy and transitioning to a woman is not.
Okay, thanks!

Hi.
It is called gender dysphoria for a reason...it is a psychological issue. The best article I read was by the surgeon who pioneered the surgeries back in the 70's at Johns Hopkins. They stopped the surgeries because they realized that transgendering was not the answer, that the psychological damage could not be fixed by gender change. The surgeon, whose name I cannot remember right now said if a patient with anorexia came to you and said that when he looks in the mirror he sees a fat person, you would not put him on a diet. This is the same as a man looking in the mirror and seeing a woman. Unfortunately with the politically correct yahoos out there pushing for transgender equality, many will transgender as an easy fix. It all depends on the individual. My ex was always easily persuaded. We were at a party once with a woman who claimed to be psychic. In five minutes I knew she was full of it. He spent three hours talking to her and was convinced she was the real deal. He lived in Virginia for three years and ended up with an accent. He almost invested our life saving in a get rich quick deal because some guy he worked with conned him. These are just a few of the minor red flags. But I know that when we separated, his therapist told him to join a support group for cross dressers and I know he met and was easily influenced by transgendering individuals who convinced him that all he needed to be happy was to be a woman. We've been divorced for four years now. He has been completely transgendered for I think two years now(my memory with dates is really bad...lol). He is still alone and miserable. I know this because every holiday my kids spend with me. Every New Year's Eve he is available to pick my son up from wherever he's hanging while I go out with my boyfriend. He has no friends outside those who are transgendering or transgendered. His big outing this past year was a march on DC. He has become a poster child for transgendering.
I am happy that your husband has a least a glimmer of hope in the sense that he stopped going to the shrink who was looking to pressure him into changing. The bottom line is that there are people putting their children through college on what they make exploiting these individuals...therapists, pharm industry, surgeons. There are actually surgeons now who specialize in regendering. It is not widely publicized because that would defeat the whole transgender rights movement. But if there are specialists there exists a need for them.
My ex will never be happy because he can never really be truthful either with those around him or himself. He cannot deal with whatever it is that may have traumatized him as a child...either total neglect from his mother(which I believe because the woman is extremely cold...when my son was born I asked if she wanted to hold him and she replied Been there. done that. What kind of grandma does not want to hold their newborn grandchild). He may have been sexually abused. But I think, and I know this is going to sound strange but I got this information from a gay man who worked with transgendered men and those in mid transgendering, that my ex is a Homophobic Homosexual. It sounds like a contradiction but it makes a lot of sense. They are usually men who have been brought up in extremely religious homes. They are usually men who have served in the armed forces, or police force. My ex was raised by extremely religious parents and he did a stint with the Marines. The psychology is that it is so ingrained in them that homosexuality is wrong that they must mutiliate their bodies and become women in order to have sex with men. Does make sense, especially in my ex's case. (I found a dildo in his suitcase. He said he was experimenting...ugh).
There are so many levels to this illness and like anything else here in America...if someone can make a buck they will.
That's all for now.
Stay in touch.

Holy Mother of all that is sane! I have yet to find anyone who has done the research and sees this for what it is. Thank you! You said it all, exactly and perfectly. My husband, while never being in the armed forces, has a mother who constantly, to this day, says he was always a 'second thought'. He has two extremely abusive sisters. When we first got together he would tell me stories of his childhood and how they treated him and I was shocked and disgusted. He thought it was normal sibling rivalry. It took about 3 years for him to recognize the truth. He was molested at a young age. And one of the most telling signs is that his entire family, and I mean everyone, parents, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, all have minor to severe mental illnesses.
He has what we call dysphoric moments. He falls into a state of depression and anxiety, which is usually triggered by an outside stress of some kind of failure on his part. During these 'moments' (they can last hours to a couple of days), his reality is so skewed. He isn't in the present at all. He is a smart and thoughtful person and what kills me, is if one of our friends were going through this, he would see it all exactly for what it is. So, yes, hope. Because I know I am reaching him little bit by little bit. He is still holding onto the idea that it is strictly biological and I have tried to explain to him how our brain chemistry and synapses work, but he has a block. I know most transgender people disassociate themselves from their past. Referring to their real gender as 'dead'. They leave family and friends behind cutting off all communication. Not a healthy life at all. Keep talking to me! This has made me feel better. I will try to find the research you talked about.

We are four and a half months since the big disclosure day when I discover my husbanded had been presenting as a woman at work for the last six months, there is no need to go into the details of betrayal, dark thoughts, utter hopelessness and desperation that followed for weeks and in some issues months. To sum it up we are still together. He is not on HRT and never intends to transition. He does not want to give up either aspect of his identity. We have found this arrangement works for us, I show understanding and compromise where I can, he remains discrete and understanding to my feelings and what I can cope with. His feminine aspect stays at work although there is some cross over this is kept to a minimum with him ever mindful of just how much I can cope with at any point. He is still the same thoughtful caring, loving man I fell in love with 14 years ago, but he has carried this dark secret with him for longer. He hates who his is because of the pain it causes both of us. But we are working through it and will keep trying because that's what couples do.
A agree that so many of the woman on here have been lied to and there is so much misinformation out there. It really doesn't have to be either or, my sweet husband is somewhere in between and we only hope one day the world and us can accept this fully.
In a postscript, I would never try to dismiss or ignore the heartache that some of you have endured, I am only trying to show that there is an alternative that hasn't been discussed enough for some.

Has your husband sought therapy? It's an important aspect of all of this. Definitely something to look into, if you haven't. There aren't a lot of psychologists who specialize in gender studies, but that is the type of therapist to look for. They are well versed in both the psychology of our minds and the way gender roles affect us and our minds. My husband saw three therapists before he came to the one he has now. One was over the top, with a minimal degree, ready to get anyone confused about who they are onto the path of transitioning. The other two had no idea what they were talking about and made horrible suggestions that were detrimental to my husband's wellbeing. Thankfully, he is smart enough to catch on. The new therapist is actually dealing with him as a person, delving into his past, his personality and ideas and not focusing on the gender identity issue as the priority. It is helpful. After reading what a number of people went through just on this group, I feel lucky that my husband didn't spend years hiding something, being someone else away from me. It's a terrible betrayal.

Kitty,
I am happy for you and perhaps yours is the exception to the case. Unfortunately, most of the women on this site, or at least the ones who have come out of the shadows to speak have been betrayed on so many more levels than just the transgendering. I am happy that you can work through this and be happy. And also happy that you respect us enough not to try to convince us there is another way. I know at times my posts are filled with anger and disgust. It is my reaction to two decades of lies and manipulation and the abandonment my children feel as well as the emotional confusion they have to endure.
I hope and pray that you can continue to find your way and be happy. But not to sound like a pessimist, four and a half months is early in the reveal. It took me ten years to find out he was cross dressing and another 10 to find out he lied and and was living out his cross dressing fantasies while on business trips. I wish you all the luck and peace in your journey and hope you are truly happy.