Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
First let me say how relieved I am to know all of you. Here’s my story. Not all that different from many of yours.
Two months before we got married, my husband told me he sometimes cross dressed. He told me this the day before we were sending out the invitations to our wedding. I was taken aback and didn’t know how to react. He wanted to know if I still wanted to marry him. Of course I did! We had already been together for 3 years and I adored him. But I said “as long as I don’t see it” Horrible words I regret with everything I have. That was 22 years ago.
In the years since then, I’ve felt we had a great marriage. He has been nurturing and caring in ways that most men would never consider. We have built a life together and others often comment on what a great couple we are. I’ve felt very very lucky.
Over the years, his needs came in waves. But he always took those words I said to heart as if seared into his soul. I would notice little things like full body shaving but i wasn’t bothered by it and said nothing.
A year or two ago he found a group where he could go dressed and have fun nights out. He always asked if I minded if he went. I didn’t....truly because he always seemed to be happier after going.
Fast forward to a few months ago where he found another group and now things seemed stepped up. I couldn’t put my finger on it but he was distant and we seemed to argue anytime I asked questions.
I started writing him emails to tell him how I felt. And how I wanted to know what was going on. He threw it in my face that “22 years ago, you said you didn’t want to see it” but He promised me he’d tell me soon. In the meantime, I started having panic attacks. My pulse would race and I wasn’t sleeping and I just knew something was wrong.
Then someone else forced his hand. Someone messaged me privately with an alias account with a link to my husband’s female persona. Telling me to protect my family. I have no idea who this person was and the account was quickly deleted. When I told him, he came home and we were forced to finally have a discussion. Lots of tears were shed by both of us as he explained how hard it had been and he just didn’t know how to tell me.
I learned that he’s been taking hormones for some time and that he’s been unhappy for a long time but with the hormones he finally felt better. I’m angry that he took this step without ever talking to me about it but I am trying so hard to be supportive. I have so many questions!! I learned that he’s been under an endocrinologists care to monitor those hormones but hasn’t found a therapist that takes our insurance yet. He says he feels more her than him and I honestly don’t know how to cope with that. But I’m trying.
A few nights ago, I had one of those panic attacks at 1am and I reached out for him. When he asked what was wrong, I just burst into uncontrollable sobs. I am so scared of what comes next.
After repeated attempts to tell him how freaked out I am by some of the stuff I’m reading (here and elsewhere), he encouraged me to put all my questions down in an email and he promised to answer them all. He felt this was better than the random “can I ask a question?” thing that had been going on lately. I agreed and last night when he was at an overnight thing with his group, that’s exactly what I did. I asked about the hormones, and definitions, our relationship, money and sex. I need those answers and yet I am terrified of getting them. Oddly, the panic attacks have lessened since that big discussion. But they aren’t gone completely. We are 52 and have been together as a couple for 25 years. We have a life and a family and are involved in our community and have plans for the future. Now I’m desperately afraid that those plans will be pre-empted by his need to be her.
Any and all suggestions are welcomed.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is so so so difficult.
I would ask if your spouse and endocrinologist would agree to have you come and ask the endocrinologist some of your questions. I recently went to some doctor appointments and it made me feel better.
I'm not sure if this will make you feel better, but I know some people have mentioned that they are very sad that their spouse didn't speak to them before taking the hormones. In my case, my spouse told me right when they started to have questions. Sometimes I wish he would have told me later, because I have to deal with his uncertainty.
Like you, my husband told me in the beginning as well. It was one of the things I found interesting about him. Putting the blinders on the way you did was almost like telling him you didn't care about that side of him. He did what you asked and kept it hidden for 22 long years. He cracked the door open a couple of times to let you in and instead of stepping through the door with him or using it as an opportunity to learn more you buried your head in the sand some more and let him walk through the door alone.
Unlike most, you weren't blindsided. You knew almost since the beginning, but just underestimated the importance of this part of his life. I would suggest that it's time to take some responsibility for the dual nature of the problem and try to start communicating more frequently in a positive manner. The first conversation is always really hard. If you remain respectful, each progressive conversation gets easier.
This is really a complex issue. It's good that you had the big talk, but you are right that your life is probably going to turn out a little different than you imagined. Different isn't always bad. Sometimes it can be really wonderful if you're able to open your mind to new possibilities.
I hope the two of you can find a counselor to talk to because that is usually where you will find the neutral space to be open and honest and dare to discuss the things most would avoid. I'm certain you will get lots more advice from the other members of this forum.
First, about the panic attacks. If those do not go away, I would suggest seeing your doctor. I have suffered from panic disorder since before I was married and have found the right medication can keep the attacks at bay. In the last six months as we've been dealing with my husband's gender dysphoria, they got worse, even though I was on my medicine. I finally went back to the doctor to get my dose temporarily increased and get a prescription of emergency medication in case the attacks come anyway. I feel so much better and my belief is so long as you are not using the medication as a crutch and you are dealing with your problems, you might as well be in the best condition you medically can be while dealing with things. Don't suffer when you don't have to.
That said, prepare yourself for a long grind, no matter if you decide to stay together and are relatively happy, there are changes coming your way. I find the toughest ones are the changes to my mental landscape. Things you never thought you'd have to question are called into question. Things that may have been a constant for decades, like sex, might change. You may feel the need to revisit even your own identity. The good things are, you may find yourself closer to your spouse than you ever knew was possible and in working this out, you may get better at communicating with each other.
My suggestion would be to find a good therapist. Make sure you each go alone and you sometimes go together. If you can find one who specializes in gender issues, all the better. Don't be surprised if you feel like you are on an emotional rollercoaster. If emailing works better right now, I'd go for it, but try to work towards talking. When communicating, be open, honest and kind. And patient.
Lastly, you might need to find a way to live with uncertainty for awhile as you two figure this out. It is not a fun place to be but it beats making rash decisions. This is where anxiety medication is most helpful... lol! Come here if you need to get a consensus or vent or just feel like you are not alone. I know that keeping this a secret from the rest of the world has been emotionally exhausting to me and I appreciate the community here so I don't feel so isolated.
Take care of yourself!
Gutted-on the first read through, I found a lot of what you said pretty harsh. Not necessarily all wrong. But still jarring. But I’ve gone back and reread a few times and some of what you say is true. No one is more regretful for how I handled things in the beginning than me. But over the years, I have watched him sort thru figuring it all out and I genuinely believed that in giving him the space to do that I was being supportive. A foolish thought now. And I’ve apologized repeatedly to him for that. But He wasn’t always so forthcoming with answers to my questions either. So i don’t really think there was a door I could have walked thru with him at any point.
Recently he said, this wasn’t how he planned for all the information to come my way. He had a plan.
Someone else scrapped that plan but all we can do is move forward from here.
We are definitely communicating more now. And not just by email. We’ve both acknowledged that this is going to be hard for a while but I’m trying to be as supportive as I can. And just like other situations in our life, I feel better after I talk to him. I realized today that this topic was always that weird egg shell walking topic where everything else in our lives was out in clear sight. But now it’s not. Now it’s out there and I’ve said several times to him that knowing is WAY better than not knowing.
Gallinarosa- He reminded me today that nothing is certain for anyone. And he certainly doesn’t have all the answers.
And Gutted- you are right, different isn’t always bad. I am doing my best to be open and supportive and he is as well. It does go both ways.
In other aspects of our lives we are a pretty great team. He knows (now) that I’m on his side and that we will figure this out.
It may not turn out like I expected. But maybe it will be better.
Thanks again, everyone!
Quoting:
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Most late onset MTFs discover their orientation while still in relationship and for a variety of reasons they often carry a lot of shame.
I was lucky in that I didn't discover I was transexual until after my marriage had ended (the relationship wouldn't have survived either way). Being single as I realized it I decided to always be open with prospective partners (while still being closeted with the rest of the world). My gf however was quite negative on the subject of transition and for a long time I set aside transitioning for that and other reasons. Knowing her negative feelings I also started HRT without telling her because I needed to establish what effects it had on me without also having to deal with her reactions.
That was the correct choice for me. To this day she doesn't know I was on HRT for a couple of weeks before I told her I needed to start. What I had done was telegraph my intent in as many small ways as I could, growing my hair out in anticipation of coming out generally as feminine, beginning to wear my bras to work every day etc.
Some, maybe most people would consider that a big lie. I considered it a private medical decision. My expectation was borne out almost exactly, when I did tell her, the response was every bit as negative as I'd expected. However I could face it then because I already knew that I needed to continue HRT and that I'd probably need to proceed to vaginoplasty. At the time I was pretty fragile emotionally and I am glad I was able to evaluate my own mental state more calmly without also having to deal with a small meltdown on my partner's part.
I was also able to be assertive, had I felt I was asking her permission, it would have been a different discussion; instead knowing that I needed to transition, at least via HRT allowed me to be fully open when it was time. And that two weeks really sucked for me, I hated feeling deceptive (it didn't help that the one cis friend I confided in felt it was a poor idea, OTOH the trans friend I included in that conversation understood fully).
Ok so long winded comparison there. Today, 18.minths later I'm post op, our relationship has become stronger and we've (just the last couple of weeks) entered in to lesbian sex with open minds. That's a long way from her first response ... "I'm not a lesbian".
Like many couples with a trans partner, most of the things she likes about me were that I was never a typical guy. So with 18 years of relationship, she was positive that she cares for me and wanted to stay together, with a lot of uncertainty about our sexuality post hrt and post-op. Happily, so far that's working itself out.
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It's clear that both you and your spouse recognize that your negative first reaction very much put her into a box and that's tough I'm glad that you're finding a way around that it sounds like you're coming to a pretty good place. I hope it helps to see that others have had to work through exactly the same problem
Also, Sadie, I kind of understand why he started on T blockers secretly - like you, he wanted to work out in his own mind what effect they may have. However, starting HRT is a different matter, surely, as physical effects are generally irreversible. I did ask him if he was EVER planning to tell me, or if he was just going to come home one day with a pair of tits, and think I wouldn't notice.
Awife, your spouse sounds like he is being very caring and open now, and I'm glad you are both facing this. We too have got so much closer since it's been out in the open. (We too communicate a lot by email, as he's away a lot, but we find it very effective). I really hope you can both work things through.
Re the panic attacks, I totally understand. I've had a few moments - usually crumpled in a heap on the bathroom floor! I haven't needed medical help yet - although I've considered it - but I think for panic attacks it may be an idea to see your GP, medication will be able to help.
Wishing you lots of luck xxx
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Sadie, I kind of understand why he started on T blockers secretly - like you, he wanted to work out in his own mind what effect they may have. *****However, starting HRT is a different matter, surely, as physical effects are generally irreversible*******. I did ask him if he was EVER planning to tell me, or if he was just going to come home one day with a pair of tits, and think I wouldn't notice.----
For estrogen that's generally incorrect, especially as regards the first couple of months. As far as I know breast growth is the only irreversible effect of estrogen HRT and noticeable breast increase doesn't happen for a couple of months. That was my experience and I was on a full transition dose (actually as it turned out my initial dose put me at very high estrogen levels, 700 pg/ml until about the 3 month point when they did my first blood work).
When trans women stop taking estrogen as far as I know, all experience return of testosterone within a couple of weeks. We're required to stop 2-4 weeks before surgery and everyone I know has seen quick return of the effects of testosterone. The thing I particularly noticed even in that short time was increase in the volume of my ejaculate (mind, not all MTFs experience loss of ejaculate volume). We all as far as I know experience rapid return of a male pattern of libido and fastest of all, changes in brain function, my thinking reverted to the extremely uncomfortable patterns almost immediately.
(Taking testosterone is somewhat different as that has more irreversible effects. So ftm people would experience permanent facial and body hair growth, enlarged clitoris and eventually pattern baldness if they had the genes for that.)