I'm not sure I am going to stay in the frame of mind I am in right now, but I feel okay. (This is a huge rant with anger and non-sequitors. No apologies, just a warning)
My husband, despite what we agreed to (first therapy for all the issues that amplify his dysphoria, then see where he's at), started taking hormones three months ago. He found a therapist around the same time, who initially I thought was okay, but now I am realising that she hasn't helped him one bit except to enable him to feel self-righteous in the decisions he is making without me. It Fucking sucks. He just told me last night that he upped his dose of hormones without consulting his doctor, who he has an appointment with this week. This fucking week! For God's sake! He couldn't wait! And he lied.
His friends all think he is making a huge mistake. And finally one of them told him so yesterday. He needs to slow down. There are so many underlying issues that, if handled, could alleviate the intensity of his dysphoria.
But he isn't getting it. There are only two choices, transition or be miserable and suicidal for the rest of his life. Good Lord, man, use your brain! He is so smart and understands so much about how the mind works and yet he can't or refuses to apply his knowledge to his own situation.
He keeps telling me that I have my beliefs on this and he has his. And he doesn't believe I am right. I finally had to tell him that my information comes from facts, not a belief (I don't feel like going over all the things I am certain I have said before about how scientific studies and general knowledge about the human brain indicate that this is a mental issue and not some weird "I was born in the wrong body" thing.)
Anyway, so right now he is lying on the couch curled up in a ball saying nothing matters, life is pointless, etc, all because he made the decision last night to go a little slower. Seriously? I am a very compassionate person (otherwise I wouldn't be in this situation), but come on, dude, get a fucking grip on reality. Oh wait, sorry, none of this is reality based, so how could you know.

Anyway, I am ready to leave and move on. This is not healthy for me. I can't stand leaving my best friend and the most fantastic lover ever (not so much anymore, hormones do not do wonders for penises). But his mental instability is affecting me and my son too much. And that's what this boils down to, a mental instability.
Have you all noticed just how similar our stories are, as far as where these men are in their minds...the selfishness, the disregard to our needs, just the way they have approached this? Why is the medical community not handling this differently?
I am soooooo rambling...
I think my grieving has reached its peak and it is all downhill from here(in the good kind of rolling down instead climbing sort of way). I feel calm, but still angry. More just amazed at how ludicrous this whole thing is.
Oh, also, my husband asked me a while back if the T should be included in LGBT. I hesitated. I didn't answer at first because I was afraid of the implications of what I might say. Finally, I said it. No. Three are sexual preferences and one is a body image issue. Two totally different things.
I gotta stop talking. Thanks for listening!