Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
Ive been with my boyfriend for seven years now. We have a son who is almost five. He has licked now to get serious about MtF transition. Our whole relationship has been characterized by struggle and Im almost 30. I feel like Im getting too old for our relationship to always be in peril.
So long story short my partner had a very traumatic and abusive childhood. He struggles with self loathing and it honestly seems like he doesn't even want to be content a lot of the time. He has brought up transitioning before and before we had a kid I was totally supportive. Ive always been bisexual and ultimately more attracted to character than aesthetic so when we were younger I thought "fine if thats what will make you happy." But now we have a son and him having his father is important to me. It used to be important to both of us. He has always been a very masculine guy and I always knew he overcompensated in a sense. I did a lot of reading when we started dating about how sexual abuse affects boys and men and so became aware of his masculine behavior as a typical coping mechanism. But now hes saying that it was just him trying to ffakehis way out of gender dysphoria. Hes always tried to gain weight and mmuscle and now hes dieting to prepare for hormones and stuff. Its weird to me.
Basically Im just tired. Its always HIS crisis and hes just taking it for granted since Ive put up with and endured through so much of his crap that I will just deal with this too. It doesn't even seem like he can imagine a scenario in which I can't.
Sorry I guess this is getting long but I wanted to make some sort of intro summary. Im just here to peruse other stories and experiences. Maybe I can get some idea of what Im in for should I weather this storm.
Does your boyfriend go to therapy? It sounds like some of what he said is very legitimate struggles, but it also sounds like some of his coping skills are not so healthy.
For instance, he probably did not "pick" this moment to get serious about transitioning. If he is MTF, he has likely been struggling for a long time and he has been doing his best to hold it back because holding it back probably sounds easier to him, but it just might not be possible. Add the childhood abuse and you really have complications galore.
Ideally you would find a therapist for specializes in these issues and is fair and balanced to both parties. It is possible if your boyfriend starts addressing his problems, he may become a better partner. Plus, if you have a professional mediating and seeing you both through the process, they might be able to help your boyfriend realize that you and your son are equally parts of this. And that if he wants to keep you, he needs to make your needs on equal footing as his. That does not necessarily mean he has to choose not to transition to please you, just that it can't be all about him and he can't take you for granted.
I won't lie to you. It can feel weird, all of it, to someone who is not experiencing the dysphoria. It still feels weird to me. But I made it clear in the beginning that I was not going to fight through all of this for a shitty marriage (which is what it had been feeling like before he got outted). He recognized immediately that it was not good and started right away to try to make it better. I am very grateful for that effort and it makes it much easier to stick around.
Good luck. Remember - you are not alone <3
I'm getting tired as well. I'm here to chat if you need it! *hugs*