Hi Sandy, and welcome. We all know how you feel. First things first. He only told you 12 hours ago. He has probably known for a lot longer, maybe his whole life. He has had the time to process it, you haven't. I would urge him, and you both, to SLOW DOWN. It is a HUGE thing to take in and your feelings will be all over the place. I think I cried continuously for the first month when I found out.
Has he seen a therapist? If not, I suggest he finds one, who understands gender issues, as soon as possible. You should also have joint therapy. Your feelings are just as important and valid.
How much has he done already? You mention he wants to start hormones. Has he been cross dressing, body shaving, anything at all? There are so many ways he can begin his transition before taking hormones, ways that maybe you can handle. It would give you some breathing space. My partner kept his secret for a couple of years but was wearing women's underwear, shaving all his body hair etc before I even knew anything (he said he just didn't like body hair, it never occurred to me it was because he is trans). I discovered the underwear then it all came out. He saw a gender therapist and got T blockers online without telling me. I went ballistic. He has now stopped, we are talking to a therapist together, and the hormone issue has been put on the backburner until we sort out what we both want. We are MUCH happier and calmer now we are talking and taking things slowly.
Does your husband want full transition? As in hormones, surgery, living full time as female? Not every trans person wants that, or needs it. There are many levels on the trans spectrum too. This is why a therapist is essential.
I suggest you don't make any decisions at all. You and your partner need to be open and honest with each, and for both of you, your feelings will change day by day. I've gone from rage, denial, sadness, grief to acceptance in a cycle several times now!
Please talk to your husband, then talk some more, but do take things slowly. Go through a list of what he would like, and see what would be acceptable for you to start with. Then take it from there, step by step. Only the two of you will be able to work out if you can stay together or not.
Wishing you lots of love and strength.

He has seen a psychiatrist about his depression. He’s scheduled to start therapy next week. I suggested he talk to her a few times and then we can start going together. I’ve never caught him doing anything like wearing women’s underwear or anything. He said he considered starting hormones before talking to me but he felt too guilty and wanted to tell me first. I don’t think he’s decided how far he wants to transition. He’s worried about how it will affect his job. Also we know that most of his family will not be very supportive when they find out. So I don’t know how much of a hurry he’s in. Thanks for the encouragement. I could tell he felt a lot better after telling me so it makes me feel worse that I couldn’t be super supportive because I was so surprised and confused. It just feels like this whole life we had planned out is gone now.

Don't feel bad about being unable to be supportive, It's a huge shock and very few wives are ok with it, other than ones who knew their partners were trans from the beginning. My partner, while he feels terrible for making me hurt so much, is happy that I know his secret - he didn't tell me, I found out. Talking things through really does help a lot. We have got a LOT closer, and our sex life has never been better. We have teenage sons and we live in a rural backwater of Europe, so my partner doesn't ever see himself as coming out and living full time as a woman. Which in some ways makes it harder, as I am the only person in the world - apart from the therapist - who knows.
I hope you can work things out, and keep posting here - we all understand your feelings. Don't feel bad about them.

Thank you so much. It’s nice to hear from someone that is able to make it work. I still love him very much and don’t want us to separate. But it’s hard to not think of worst case scenarios right now. I’m grateful that there are communities like this I can turn to.

Hi Sandy, welcome to the group. Sylph covered mostly anything I could think of to say. But I can't emphasize enough what a roller coaster the first few weeks will likely feel like. And I think most here would say that as time goes on, there are still ups and down but with more peacefulness in between. My husband (who still uses male pronouns and presents as a male) knew he was trans for 10 years before I found out. We've been married twenty years and I found out in June 2017. He knew something was different for him since he was at least 5 but it took a long time for him to figure out what it was. I had NO idea. NONE. So it knocked me off my feet. I think of myself as very liberal and I don't think I have a problem that he is transgender, BUT I do have difficulty because he presented himself to me incorrectly for so long that I feel I am getting to know him for the first time. It is unsettling after feeling stable with him for 20 years. It is hard to shake off the person I thought I knew and replace him with someone new. Also, we have trust issues we are working on because he lied to me for 10 years and he has difficulty telling the truth even now. Not because he is a malicious or bad person but because he has conditioned himself to hide his transness at all costs for 40-50 years. And, I am not sure what will happen to my attraction to him as time progresses. I just try to stay open-minded and see how I feel instead of letting myself jump to conclusions. It is hard though. On the plus side, I am closer to him now than I have ever been to him or anyone EVER. And yes, as Sylph said, sex got better. Not sure why or if it will last, but I am enjoying it for now. Hang in there. Therapy will help. This place makes me feel more sane and more grounded. For many of us, our partners being trans is a secret in our real lives so we have very few people to talk to except each other.

Keep us posted. Take deep breaths. Cry when you need to. Stay open-minded, honest and kind.

Hi Sandy, I'm glad you've found this group and hope you find it as helpful as I have. As GR and Sylph have said, it's hard to hear this stuff and that's not because of how we feel about trans people but because of how it will impact us, our relationship/marriage and our future.
I found out in August 2017 that my husband had been diagnosed with gender dysphoria and had been struggling with it for years (late 50's now). He's not interested in doing anything publicly because of how it might affect his relationship with our adult children, all the more because we have a new grandchild too. I don't think he even considers himself trans; he has no interest in female pronouns or a female name and for now seems to be content dressing female when we're home alone and sometimes in public.
When I first found out it was a shock because although he'd dressed as a female for a few years it seemed to come in waves and was often associated with work stress, and then it would go away again. In fact when he told me about the dysphoria it had been so long since I'd seen him in female mode that I'd even thought that perhaps he had tired of it and wasn't interested in doing it any more!
I went through a period of mourning (for our past) and also felt a bit betrayed (for our future), and I also questioned myself quite a bit. I decided I would do what I can to be supportive but if I felt uncomfortable about anything I would say so, and sometimes I have.
For now we are going to a therapist together and communicating better than before. That could change of course but that's the same with anything.

Please take care of yourself and take some comfort in knowing that what you're feeling is ok and there are others in similar situations.

Hi Sandy,
My wife told me that she had been taking hormones for 6 months at our one-year anniversary. It was a total shock. I also had no idea at all. I was also a cis woman that wasn't interested in women at all, but my wife has really grown on me since coming out 2 and a half years ago. It's been a crazy crazy rollercoaster and my biggest regret is not going to couples therapy, because at this point, although we both have therapists, we've really hurt each other not knowing how to really communicate our feelings to each other. If you would like to work things out with your spouse my suggestion is a therapist for yourself and a therapist for your marriage.
I feel for you friend. Try your hardest to make sure you take care of yourself as much as you want to help the person you love. Easier said than done, I know, but try. Remember that it's ok to feel all the emotions you're feeling.

Hi LeighAnn, if you don't mind me asking, where is your relationship now, romantically speaking? Are you attracted to your wife? This is the one area that I think those of us earlier in the process cannot envision/foresee. We love our spouses and we *want* to stay and be supportive, but we don't feel attracted to women. I know I am open to hopefully evolving but I cannot imagine it right now. It would help to hear from someone farther along about how they got there, how long it took, etc. :)

Hi Sandy,

Wanting to be supportive, but also feeling deep pain for what it might mean for your relationship is totally normal. It's so important to take care of yourself during this emotional rollercoaster, so don't feel bad if you need to take break and watch your favorite show, eat your favorite food etc.

You can definitely be supportive by going to doctors appointments and telling your spouse you love them....but also realizing that this could mean the end of your relationship.

I can only reiterate what these wise women have already added. The one thing I will say that I think many of these fine ladies have not yet experienced is that the hormones are a game changer. My husband told me he wanted to take them and that based on "his" research he could stop them at anytime and go back to how things were. BS Loud and clear. It is not true. So, my husband has lost his ability to perform as a male sexually. So we are forced into an arena that many women here fear and have not experienced yet. I have a new friend, the Magic Wand. I get my orgasms from it. I do not know how to be sexual with him as it leaves me sexually frustrated. So, for now we are focusing on the relationship and once we get to a good place we will start sex therapy.

Make sure you stay in the loop when it comes to hormones. Don't let your partner make that decision alone because it most definitely changes things for both of you.

Welcome to group, you will find tremendous support here. I am sad that you have to be here though, none of us really want to be here.