Spouses of Transgender Community Group

Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...

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Not quite sure what to do next

awife
awife

a few days ago I posted that my spouse seemed to be on a good track. Was seeking out therapists and things seemed to be ok with us.  Not great. But OK (because that’s really the best I hope for lately). 


But for the past two days, he seems to have slipped into this deep depression. He is snapping at me and the kids. Or just keeping his distance. And when I try to ask him what is up or encourage him to talk about it, he yelled at me to just leave him alone. Sigh. 


There are moments of normalcy but they are few and farther apart. A little while ago I asked him how he was doing and he said he was just tired and commented that he didn’t know why he was so tired all the time.  Last night he commented that he was just depressed but couldn’t put his finger on what had caused it. 


I have my suspicions.  I feel like he gets like this when too much time goes  by where he can’t spend time as her.  He’s gotten like this before and seems to then be in a better state after spending a weekend with his friends out. 


I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do. How do I help him? He won’t talk to me. And this pit of despair gets more and more disturbing.  


Mostly I just miss him. 

Sylph
Sylph
Hi awife, this is difficult. You can see your husband is suffering, you want to help him, but he won't let you. I think you are probably right, that he is missing 'her' but is too scared to let you get to know her. Have you suggested this to him? Perhaps he could slowly reveal more of her to you? Or is that too difficult?
My partner too does the 'I'm just tired' thing when he is low, and will NOT tell me what's wrong. When he gets over it, he can then go back and try and explain. This hasn't happened for a long time, apart from last week, just after he started hormones.
I think because our partners have had so long keeping secrets and not being open, it's really hard for them to open up now.
I feel your pain, and do understand how you miss him. Hope things get better soon and that you can find a way through.
Much love.
gallinarosa
gallinarosa
Does your spouse have any (healthy) coping mechanisms he can use when he's not her? Some transfolk use underdressing (wearing the underwear of their preferred gender) to feel better when not "out". My spouse has a lot of little things that are gender-affirming without letting the outside world know anything. Maybe your spouse needs to find some of those or even recognize things he is already doing to remind himself of positive things when he is not her. Maybe that will help with some of the depression and anger? Also, a gentle reminder to him that talking to you is actually another way to affirm what he feels inside and might make him feel better...
Cora
Cora
It sounds like your spouse is depressed--irritable, tired etc. Perhaps your spouse should go on anti-depressants? I say that because I resisted medication for a long time, but going on it has been the best thing I've done for myself. I don't expect to be on it forever, but it's definitely helped me get through the last few months.
awife
awife
I definitely agree that there are issues with depression. That has always been the case.
He has always struggled with feeling that he’s letting people down even though he seldom does.
What I need to wrap my head around is that sometimes things are exactly as they appear and not always tied to his gender issues. Sometimes it’s just the regular sized stress about work or money or life in general.