Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
Hi, so.......a little background. I had been divorced for almost 20 years, and in 2015 connected with this amazing, strong, supportive masculine man. I fell in love almost immediately. We had a relationship for 18 months and he left on morning and that was it. He never gave me a reason why he broke up, and I had been really close to his adult kids and grandchildren. I was devastated. It never got better. I was miserable for a year. A year after he broke up, he contacted me, and we had a long phone conversation. He seemed more open about sharing things with me that he hadn't before, but still never said why he had broken up. (Mind you, the entire year apart he would say that he loved me and I couldn't understand why you would walk away if you were in love.) I jokingly said "what is it? are you transitioning or something?"
YES.
I agreed to meet after not seeing him for over a year. We met at my place, went out for lunch, and at one point, he put his arm around my shoulder for the first time, and I felt like I could breathe again. I felt like I was home. His hair was longer and I hated it. He looked like an old woman. But he was still HIM, and I missed him. Three months later we were married. We've been married for 3 months.
He had been taking estrogen and spiro, and having electrolysis. In the 3 months before we got married, he quit all of it. He also quit going to a support group. So we got married, and we were super happy. We have had a hard time - we got married fast and our conversations are not sexy. LOL - I work 12 hour days and I am exhausted when I get home. We talk about laundry, family, whats for dinner.
On Friday I went to see his therapist with him for the first time. I already hated her because he had started seeing her while we were still dating and I sort of resented her. But, I thought, keep an open mind, see how it goes. After all, we were doing well. Not having a lot of sex, but mostly because MY libido has decreased as menopause is creeping up on me. He has small breasts, and that is not a turn on. The session went well, she wasn't the beotch I thought she was although she DEFINITELY coddled him and let him be a victim. And she suggested that he might "give up" one of his adult children who is struggling with this. She said I was "cool" and suggested that she was surprised that I could be supportive. She wanted to see us again, together, to help navigate...stuff. I agreed.
He felt like it went so well that when we were at Starbucks afterwards, he shared that he wanted to go back on hormones. I didn't freak out, but I was worried. Then he said he actually said he has BEEN back on them. For six weeks. I am more than hurt. It opened up a huge can of worms. I felt like this was a huge betrayal - we said before we got married "no secrets", and clearly this was a secret. So now all of the transgender stuff is front and center. I have not found a supportive group online.
It has been really just a bad weekend. I feel like I have nowhere to go, none of my friends or family know about this, and I have slept tons. He's mad. Mad at me for everything......
Did you tell him that you hated the longer hair he grew out? Have you told him that his breasts turn you off? Have you come clean about not loving him as a woman and wanting him to stop being transgender?
Did he ever clearly articulate to you that since you are back in life, he's no longer transgender? If so, you didn't mention that in your post. It's not at all unusual for people to hold off on their transition during a major life event like getting married, experiencing the death of a close relative or something of that nature. I worry that he may have married you under false pretenses, you know, thinking you were supportive and okay with him being trans. Sometimes when we don't speak up and act real nice, people tend to fill in the blanks with they like have in that space. Therefore, I can totally see how he might have gotten confused.
The whole part about him putting his arm around you and suddenly you could breathe again is telling. It sounds like you may have some type of dependency issue that needs addressed. I believe that when he circled back around to you, it was with the understanding that you were capable of having an open honest adult relationship with a transgender person.
It must have been difficult to listen to him talking about cutting off one of his children because this person wasn't supportive. That would have been a good moment to stop pretending that you are supportive, when you are clearly not. I can see why chose to continue the farce that you are supportive. Truth be told, he might do the same with you if you were totally honest about how you feel about him being transgender.
But enough about all that, cause it's time to play the he's being so unfair by taking hormones without telling me game. My best advice for you is to sit down and be honest about how you feel about him being transgender. Let him know that every step he takes toward becoming the person that feels right to him, makes him less attractive in your eyes. My best guess is, that will be a wake up call. Thank goodness neither of you have invested years into this relationship.
First of all, welcome to the group. I do understand your feelings and your confusion. It's not easy.
I too wonder what the situation was when he returned and gave up the hormones - did he promise to 'stop being trans'? Unfortunately that is something that is not possible. Or did he give up the hormones because you'd spoken about it and decided together to put things on hold until you had both discussed the issues? If the latter is the case, I understand why you are upset. My partner started taking T Blockers in secret, although to be fair to him, when we had 'the' hormone discussion for the first time, he had already started. He has now stopped.
It sounds like you both need some honest and open discussion about your feelings. Pretending to be supportive won't work. If you are like many of us here, you WANT to support him, and love him no matter what, and accept transition, but I understand that doesn't come easy. But he needs to know you are finding it difficult. Perhaps that is something to discuss with the therapist.
Why is he mad at you? Is it because he thinks you have been supportive and accepting? And now you're not? It does sound like when you got back together you both had different expectations - he that you were a supportive spouse who would stand by him through transition, and you, that you had got your man back and that he would give everything up for you. Both of those expectations appear to be misguided. Correct me if that is not the case.
It's not easy, Most of us here have gone through - and are still going through - a myriad of ever-changing emotions and feelings, but we are largely trying to find the best way forward, either with or without our partners.
I hope you both find a way through. Open communication and honesty really is the only way forward for you both.
Wishing you both the very best in this difficult time.
Sending you love xxx
The only thing I can suggest is to see a different couples therapist. His personal therapist should be an advocate for him. A couples therapists need to mediate what you both need.
For me, over the last 7 months or so, it's been a roller coaster ride. What my spouse wants seems to change daily. Sometimes I think my spouse wants me to make a decision for him and that really pisses me off.
But, at the end of the day, you need to figure out what you want and your spouse needs to figure out what they want. Easier said than done of course! *hugs*
But to the original poster, if you love them and want to be with them, you’re goig to have to set a precedent of honesty and openness. This is a hard transition to make for both parties. You both need to know how the other is feeling, and I would highly recommend talking to a therapist about your darker thoughts rather than to them. This has been a hard step for me, considering my partner was my best friend and confidante. I wanted to be able to tell them everything, and though we’ve reached a place of honesty, I think we all naturally feel some transphobic feelings and think some hurtful thoughts. This is a hard thing to navigate, but it’s already even harder for your partner. They need to feel free and comfortable, and you must let them present and love themselves as they wish to and by their own rules. He purpose of your relationship is love and companionship. Really, I highly recommend a therapist- you can get all those dirty and guilt ridden feelings out and be able to speak with someone candidly, then sort through those feelings and examine them until you understand the source, as well as your own truth.