Please do yourself a favor, and get out. It's embarrassing, but confide in a friend or family member. You didn't mention children, so it should be easier to disentangle yourself from this web of lies. You may very well be his best friend, but he is not yours. A best friend doesn't keep this big a secret from you and then marry you, so that you will feel trapped. But, you aren't trapped--it's an illusion. I was married for 20 years and had two kids with my ex. For two years after he confessed his secret, he had me convinced I could never make it alone. His lies and betrayals were unending. I used to lay on the bathroom floor at night with a bottle of pills in my hands, praying simultaneously that I could be strong enough to end my life and strong enough to live for my children.
I finally left. It was hard. But, two years later, I am happily married to the love of my life, and I am enjoying my life for once. Looking back, I can see how that marriage was always about him and his needs, how selfish and emotionally abusive he was. I am free. Get free, girl!

Thank you for your response!! I have a question for you: did you ever go through wishy washey feelings of "okay...maybe I CAN do this". I will have these complete melt downs, crying, so stressed, telling him exactly how I feel without any filter....telling him I can't do it anymore...then we talk through it and somehow the next day I feel fine and refreshed and I feel like I can do it again. But it's just a temporary fix, and I know it is. I know this feeling of "OKAY! Here we go, feeling good again..." is not going to last long. The panic attacks and melt downs happen every couple of months. It's a cycle. And it's so confusing.

Also, we don't have kids yet. We've only been married a year. Which is another thing causing me great anxiety. I am 28 and I feel like I'm missing out of my opportunity to have kids. We've talked about having one (and I KNOW how crazy this sounds. I know) just to have one, and if things don't work out then....we coparent. But I can't see myself leaving him, finding someone new, and still being the young age that I want to be, when I have kids.

Dillard... every day! Every day you have different feelings... "I can do this! I can accept this!" Then, another lie.... and you can't help but want out! It's a worse than a roller coaster, you never get a chance to rest and mourn the death of your spouse as you know him. Everything will become about him and his feelings. You won't even be allowed to get angry or sad, he will turn it on you and make you feel like crap for having any feelings other than being supportive. It's a very selfish state of mind.

Don't have kids with this person. You will not be able to hold on to him. He is on his own path and you are young enough to find another. He will just become more and more selfish. Believe me, no matter how sweet he might be now, when he gets on this path... you and your child will not exist. You might think that you will co-parent, but believe me the responsibility will fall completely on you. You are still young, don't limit yourself.

Dillard,

What I can say is find a counselor. Seriously. What you've described, the slowly-dying feeling as you watch the steps being taken... I have felt similar feelings.

Your spouse telling you they felt 50% male and 50% female earlier in the relationship could have been honest. That could have been exactly what they felt in the moment. Some trans folks repress their feelings for so long that they don't even know how to describe how they identify because they don't understand it yet.

I have a great counselor. I struggle, like you struggle. I am proud of my spouse, but I am not happy about these changes. I talk to my counselor about it. There may come a day when I can't do it any more, but each day I check in with myself-- was today the day the bad outnumbered the good? Was today the day I realized my needs are not being met or won't be met? Until that day comes, I stay, because I made vows and I love this person. I talk to them about how hard things are for me, and how ashamed I am that they are hard, how guilty I feel for wanting the man and not the woman. It is hard. Like you, I knew a little bit going in, but things have evolved in a way I never expected. I have to take each day at a time, and I have to be go see my counselor and I have to be clear with my spouse about where my struggles are. We would work on our relationships, take steps, like mutual counseling or time apart, if we needed to, I think, before ever getting divorced.

But, I also don't want children, so I am not in a hurry. I am happy, most days. If the days where I am happy become outnumbered by the days when I am crying into my pillow and fantasizing about a new life, then I will find that new life. I will find it after I have fought to make the one I have work, and if it doesn't, I'll know I did everything I could to try without dishonoring myself or devaluing myself or my partner. I love them, and I want the best for them. I want the best for me too, so as long as those two overlap, we stay together. We love each other.

I remember that also, it is not just about me. There may be a time when I can no longer give my spouse what they need, and that's just as important. If they can't see that they deserve more, I will see it for them. I will remind them they are worth being loved and appreciated and attracted to in a way that I am not always able to give.

In any case, this life is hard. Some days it really sucks. Other days, life is normal and happy. Other days, you see the person you love in this new person they're becoming, and you're happy, and they're happy. Other times, it's like being married to a complete stranger who literally can't focus on you because their own journey is too new and demanding.

I don't have any magic words or right answers, but just know this: you are not alone, and you are not wrong for wanting to be happy.

I'm sorry if this is harsh, but do yourself a favor and don't have children with him. I love my children with all of my heart and soul and to my very core, but this will hurt them (they are very young) and make life more difficult. Not to mention you will always have to have an active connection with him. There are many days that I wish I never had to see my husband/this person ever again. It pains me to see his with his long, dyed hair and bright pink lipstick. It's stressful and I shouldn't have to live like that. If we didn't have children, I wouldn't have to see him on a regular basis which I believe would help me heal.

I had a daughter 2 months before he came out to me. All I could think of is that she won't have a father to walk her down the aisle, to help her feel protected and to learn for her future relationship from. It's so very sad to put children in the mix.

Thank you all so much for your comments. This is the only place I've ever gotten feedback. I've been on vacation with him the last week, visiting his family that lives out of state. Honestly the entire time I've been here, I've been fantasizing about how great it would be if I was married to his brother....who is exactly what my husband use to be. Strong, bearded, manly, so handsome. That's not my husband. My husband still does not know if he ever wants to dress female, but it's hard waiting and trying to help him figure his life out. He looks frail, skinny, long hair, no masculine qualities anymore. And I think it's hard for people to understand that it's not me being (completely) shallow with his physical changes. If he were to be doing these changes for other reasons than wanting to look like a woman because he IS a woman, they wouldn't make me squirm. But the reasoning behind it, I just can't look past it. Daily I try to wrap my head around being a divorced 28 year old. It sad, and depressing. And all the explaining I would have to do makes me want to run away and start a new life. But whenever I think about it, it makes me feel FREE. And so! happy! I love him so much still (I think) and it will absolutely crush us both if we got divorced, but I just can't do this do myself anymore.

I know exactly what you mean dillard... I don't care if he shaves his legs, his face or even his chest... less hair... no big deal. But it's the reason behind it that bothers me every time his leg brushes up against mine in bed, or when I stroke his chest and feel nothing... it makes me ill. It's just a reminder of "her" between us. With every little change, she takes over and my husband dies just a bit more. Murderer.

I have been on the roller coaster for 6 years now. He says he does not want to transition but has been secretly taking hormones for about a year. I cannot talk about it or ask any questions or I get rage directed at me. I have about 3 days a month where I think-hey, I can do this, just keep my mouth shut when I am sad or angry and pretend the weird sex is ok.The rest of the days I either sleep all day or cry all night. We have 2 kids 23 and 15 years old. Every day I wonder "can I handle it today". The worst part for me is not ever really knowing if I am present in our intimate moments or if he is just fantasizing that I am a man because that is what the real goal in their mind is during sex= to be wanted as a woman, by a man. I know I don't have the strength to start over, I have anxiety and depression issues and would be dead if not for antidepressants. Some days I feel like I could still really love him-but I am never sure who he really is anymore. Good luck to you, hopefully you wont fall into the pit I have been in for so long, if only my brain could accept. It has been very damaging to me. I used to be a nurse supervisor, now I can barely speak to people or look them in the eye. I always feel like if they knew me......

20 year.... I know how you feel.... I'm on the edge of this, and if I stay and let things continue this way, I too will be in your exact situation. Right now, I'm not on antidepressants, but I can see how that can easily be my fate. It's like a slow death to your husband AND yourself! They don't understand that we keep silent and just keep taking this abuse. They just want their cake and eat it too. I fear the sex thing too. I am starting to feel numb during sex (emotionally). It's terrible. It's not what life should be. I'm a year into this craziness and he mentioned something about giving all this another 2 years... and I think to myself... then what?! What does 2 years mean? You play dress up and put us in debt and possibly scar our children for life, so you can have your jollies for 2 years? This is permanent damage! Selfish men. Why can't they see the big picture? We all have selfish desires, but being an adult means putting those aside for what is right, what is good... not what FEELS right. Grow up men... be MEN! Not only do they need to stop being girls, they need to stop being CHILDREN! GROW UP!

I just want to clarify a couple things before I continue. I do not believe that my husband lied to me all this time. I believe he was trying to navigate the feelings himself and was filling me in, painfully, as he did. I do not hate him. I dont feel betrayed. I feel sad that it took him this long to discover who he truly was. I see it in his face everyday. He is struggling so bad with coming to terms with who he is. He wishes he never had to go through this. He's angry with god and so am I.
With that being said, he could tell I was struggling all week and we started another tear filled conversation. I told him I didn't think we could both be happy staying married, and that having kids is not a good idea. We both sobbed. We are BOTH going through these emotions. It's sad. It's exhausting. It's hurtful. But eventually you have to bite the bullet and state the obvious. I'm. Not. Happy.

What a hard conversation, dillard, but I am proud of you for seeing his struggle, acknowledging your struggle, and speaking your truth.