Hello Chloe2020, welcome to the group. I'm 53, married to my husband for 32 years. He came out to me being tg I guess 3yrs. ago. I understand how your feeling. It isn't easy to deal with, upon first hearing it, naturally your reaction is anger and hurt. I also don't have anyone else to share this with too. Kind of scared really, not sure how they will take it. Because I love him and he loves me, we are trying to make it work. I think coming here does help bring some support in what we go through. Other wise it would be harder for me. I know I am not alone in this. So glad you could join.

Hello Moonlady,

Thank you so much for your kind reply. I feel about as alone as a person can be and your understanding and outreach helped.
I love my husband but am finding this more difficult than I expected. Is your husband going through gender reassignment surgery? This would probably be a deal-breaker for me as I am not interested in being married to a woman. Does that make me unkind or intolerant?

Hi Chloe2020,
Welcome, glad and sad you found yourself here! I'm thinking there's a range of ages and situations. I'm mid 50, married 33 years. Most here can relate to your feelings of betrayal and anger, and agree it's a tough spot to be in. My spouse has been on hormones for over 6 years, and as the transition continues it's becoming more difficult. I too am not interested in being married to a woman, I'm just not attracted to women. I feel it doesn't make you unkind or intolerant, it makes you heterosexual. My spouse hasn't come out yet except to his doctor and therapist, and like you there's no one for me to talk to about it. I've started to see a therapist who has been helpful in giving me someone to talk to and to recognize my wants and needs matter too. Don't apologize or feel guilty for your feelings, it's ok to feel the way you feel. It's only been 5 months so don't be too hard on yourself.

Hi Chloe2020. No, my husband doesn't want to go through the surgery. That would be a deal breaker for me as well. He is fine with taking the hormones and dressing into woman's clothing. Don't be hard on yourself, you just found out. It is a challenging situation to be in. Maybe seeking therapy as InaQuandary is doing wouldn't be such a bad idea. Hang in there.

I'm glad you found us Chloe! I agree with what the other ladies have said. This is a difficult situation to be in and it common to feel the feelings you are having. Living overseas must be an added stressor--I hope you can talk to someone in your life when you are ready. I'm glad you found us in the meantime. <3

I am 49 years and my spouse of 17 years came out to me almost three years ago. It has really been a process. There was a real loss of trust for me. It took awhile for me to fully accept that it had to do with their denial and shame and so little to do with me. If I could go back in time, I wish that I could have been more supportive in the beginning. I do love them and that is what they needed from me. We had a rollercoaster of a relationship for the first year and a half, but we in many ways are closer now. I know our relationship is different. Our marriage did not go exactly as I planned. The wedding vow part where we said that we "accept any changes in our lives" I had not expected to include this. But here we are. This is super hard but if you weather it, the ride doesn't remain so full of ups and downs, but will start to smooth out. I'm glad you are finding support here online. I also encourage you to find a therapist that you can say anything to. Because I had anger and pain that would have just hurt my spouse more than they were already hurting.

To Moonlady, InaQuandry, Cora and Goldie22: Thank you all for your kind and compassionate support. I can see that this is a process and that I am at the beginning of what may be a difficult journey. I left the US five years ago and now live in Europe. I speak the language of my adopted country, but not so fluently that I could go to counseling. I have friends here but this is not something that I could share with them. I feel grateful that I have a voice here and people who will understand and listen.

I can see that there are varying degrees of acceptance. I hear you Goldie22 and hope to be as loving and supportive as you but I am at a different stage of my life. I have given my husband one year to decide how far he wants to take his femininity. I know that some of you may disapprove; that this is no where near enough time. But I need time to make a new life for myself if he chooses to go farther than I can handle. At 65 I will still young enough to do so. I know my husband is hurting but so am I.

Chloe2020, I can understand your feelings. Since your at the beginning of this stage, it is a choice of yours to make. Everyone is different in going through this. I wish you well and hope that things will work out in what ever you chose to do. Know that we are here, this is a place to talk about what we go through and try to support each other.

I am 41, have been with my soon to be ex husband, separated a year and eight months, when he disclosed he is transgendered almost 20 years and married 10 and had at the time a 4 1/2 year old now 6 1/2 daughter. He said he knew since he was around 7 so he went through life as my boyfriend, got a home with me, got married and decided to have a child only to come out after the fact. I have met a wonderful man on a support group online for people in similar situations and we have been together almost 10 months. He just sadly lives 21 hours away which is a difficult challenge. It took me this long and a new relationship with someone who understands me and calms me down to get past my rage. It is an up and down battle.

Hello everyone. I’m new, as well. Thank you all for sharing, I can’t tell you how much it helps.

My situation is a bit different, as I knew a bit from the beginning. My MTF partner & I first met in high school, reconnected, living together a year now. We’re 38 (me) & 40 (her). Technically, she’s the only woman I’ve ever been with. Her exs basically pushed her into a box. So, after decades of thinking every little thing through, she came out this year. She has her hair (already very long) professionally colored, nails done, ears pierced, professional breast forms, and t blockers a couple months ago. She’s beautiful. I’ve always accepted her. But then, I’ve always loved her as a person, as a friend, down to her soul.

The issue now... she’s just so mean. So I’m literally spending my time on the lower floor of the house. I honestly want her to go on estrogen ASAP so she isn’t so aggressive anymore.

Hello HFL2020. Welcome to the group. I commend you for being with your partner and trying to work through it. She is lucky to be able to come out and dress up as a woman. Hopefully the hormones will help. I do have to say that with my partner, it was difficult, as she always seemed agitated. I do feel that taking the hormones has helped. Wishing you the best.

Hello to everyone. I hope all of you are safe and healthy, both physically and mentally. I, on the other hand am a hot mess. My husband and I spent the last week apart, logistically possible because we have a small studio apartment we keep for visiting family. The idea was for my husband to spend some time alone and perhaps understand what his needs and desires are. What I was hoping for was a middle ground that would work for both of us; in actuality we are at an impasse. What I keep hearing is “I’m the same person who has always loved you”. “I’m not changing on the inside”. Yeah, but my 6’2” husband now wants to wear breast forms and a dress. I find these two concepts difficult to reconcile.

I have two questions for the group:

1. Is my husband likely to stay satisfied with just cross dressing? In your collective experience will he desire more? He has said he would take hormones and have bottom surgery if I wasn’t around. How likely is “our marriage is more important” to withstand his natural desire to be female?

2. If I have zero interest in having a relationship with a woman, should I just call it quits now.

Hello Chloe 2020. He is not the same person, he wants to become female. I can't say if him just cross dressing or taking the hormones will satisfy him. But what if one day he wants to tell family and friends he is tg and start dressing as a woman. You have to ask yourself are you willing to stay in this marriage and deal with the problems that will come up. It is your life too and only you can make that decision. I hope you find your answer soon.

Hi Chloe2020,
I can relate, not knowing how far your spouse will want to take it. From my understanding (and experience so far) the dysphoria and/or desire only gets stronger as they get older. In answer to your questions, I can only speak from my experience with my spouse, but if your husband is transgender I doubt they will be happy with just cross dressing to keep the marriage. Can he actually keep to just cross dressing? If this is the case, is this the type of marriage you want? Will he resent you from holding him back, will he be happy, will he change his mind? My spouse started with very low dose hormones and has continually increased his dose. Once he started them, there is no way he will ever give them up. It seems he does a little bit, then a bit more, and so on. It'll be just a matter of time before his body outs him. He wants to go to the next step, but it's difficult for him. He knows I'm not attracted to women, and most likely has he continues to transition our marriage will end. We're trying to find a way but honestly I constantly ask myself the same question, should I just call it quits? More and more days now it seems like calling it quits is the best solution. We're just roommates right now, not my definition of a marriage. How long I can sustain this, I'm not sure. Sorry, as I reread this it's not much of an answer. Hope you're hanging in there and know we get how you feel!

Chloe, I'm trying to think of what I would have told my past self when I had similar questions. My ex spouse said similar things to me and didn't really seem to grasp how these changes would affect me and our relationship.

Part of me suggests that if you already know now that you don't want to be with a woman, I wouldn't waste your time playing games, and quit now.

But some questions you might ask yourself--what are my deal breakers? Is he respecting my boundaries? Am I having a difficult time maintaining my boundaries when he tries breaking them?

Recently I found an old paper that I had written that listed out the sexual activities that I was and wasn't interested in. There were three sections: want/will/won't. This might be a helpful activity for you two to do separately and then come together to discuss.