21confused21,

Welcome to the group. You sound amazingly together for having just found this out after 26 years! Maybe because you say you always knew something was up. Anyway, you are not alone in your questions and concerns. Pretty much all of us are going through the process of figuring out those things for ourselves. Feel free to come here for feedback, to vent, or to know you are not the only person in this situation.

I have been married over 20 years and just found out about 5 months ago. I had NO idea. I have found it best to work together, keeping communication open, honest, and kind. We both try to monitor the pace so as not to get overwhelmed. We have a therapist we see individually and together. There have been bumps in the road, but mostly we are moving along and working it out. We are closer than we have ever been. But, the future is quite unknown. It is very difficult to live with that kind of uncertainty, especially after so many years of stability together, I won't lie.

Good luck. I hope you stick around. This situation can be very isolating. First, many times you have to keep it a secret and cannot talk to others in your life about it. Second, you suddenly feel like you don't fit in. Are you straight still? Not quite. Are you a lesbian? You don't feel like one. If your spouse becomes more feminine, does that make you feel less feminine... less of a woman? At least here we all fit into a group together - like it or not ;-)

I'm happy to chat. ^_^ I'm not sure how useful I can be, but I can definitely affirm your feelings. ^_^

Welcome to the group. You sound incredibly supportive for such early days. Has your husband given any indication on what he needs, or are you taking things as they come? Has he made any changes yet/taken any steps? I've been with my partner for 26 years too, and it has been hard coming to terms with it all. The worst few months of our relationship, but we are strong together and closer than ever. Taking things very slowly, lots of communication and we've just started therapy. It is hard having no one to talk to, as he is very subtle/discreet, and has no intention of coming out to the world. I've felt very isolated and found this group to be one of the best places for support, as we are all going through the same thing, to different degrees and at different stages.
love Syl xx

Hi and welcome to the group. My husband and I have been married for 33 years and together for 35.
My husband came out to me just shy of 4 months ago. He wants to fully transition. I also had NO idea.
The emotional roller coaster that I've been on since has been horrible... Shock, confusion, anger, fear, grief...you name it!! I'd say that one of the most difficult pieces is feeling isolated (still keeping it between just us). With no one to turn to, I stumbled upon this group. I've found a lot of support here in a very short time. I think most of us here are trying to give our spouses support and hoping to make our marriages/relationships work.
The most important thing I try to keep in mind is that I have to take this one day at a time.
Hoping you too can find the support you are seeking. Hugs!

Hi - I just wanted to say welcome and we are here to help and support you in whatever capacity we can. My husband and I have been married for 6 years but have known each other pretty much all our lives but only came to know that he is transgender about 4 months ago. I think mommanettie advice to take it one day at a time is a really good approach. Also I have found that an open and honest communication is only way to deal with this as almost everyone else has pointed out. Hang in there!!!

Hi,
Welcome. We have also been married for 26 years, I just found out just under 3 months ago. The first couple of months were hell for me, especially since I have to keep it a secret as well. I had NO idea at all and was completely out of my element, but talking to others going through the same things helps a lot. Taking it one day at a time is still the best advice. We are here for each other.

Hi and welcome. I see a theme emerging here, we have also been married for about the same time and I found out about the dysphoria about 3 months ago. As the others have said, it's really hard at first and especially when you're the only one who knows. You do question everything you've ever done together and what the future might look like. It's very scary sometimes and other times you can feel sad and/or angry. Lots of conflicting emotions and the best thing you can do is try to take it slowly and communicate with each other as much as you can. If you're able to find a therapist it can really help because you're talking to someone with no emotional involvement.

Personally I've also found that because it's between the 2 of us (he doesn't want to come out publicly), we're much closer than we were and he's much more comfortable and happy since telling me. It's still very hard sometimes but there are other times when I don't even think about it at all.

This group is a godsend as there are so few resources for spouses/partners and it's very reassuring to know there are others in similar situations from all over the world. It's a great place for support or ask questions or just to vent. Sending you positive thoughts and best wishes xx

Thank you all! This means a lot to me. He has only indicated that he “wants to be a man” but has alway felt he has the wrong parts. He has always snuck women’s clothes and I have known that for a long time. He tells me it’s been since early childhood. We haven’t even started any counseling yet but plan to.
Just so much to digest