YES!!! A resounding yes!! Everyday. Nearly every minute things change sometime. One day no big deal, minutes later I am separating things in my mind and fretting about how I am going to make it on my salary.

I am right there with you. Everything you said, which was spot on.

Your both singing my song! It's a frustrating one too.

I thank you for putting into words and putting it out there... I feel the same and I am in almost the same situation as you. One minute my head says yes and my heart says no and then the next they switch...

Hi Sylph,
Sometimes I think you're reading my mind. I flip flop back and forth all day and every day. I feel like I'm going crazy. Being together for so long, it's hard to walk away from our life we built together but then I think there's no way I can jump on board with all the changes that are happening. I would never stop him from progressing if that's what he wants, I just don't know if I can continue on with him. It's exhausting that's for sure.

I couldn’t agree more. Part of me says I’ll do anything to keep him in my life. I’ll make whatever compromises I need to. Then I suddenly find myself looking at apartment listings that I can afford on my own salary. It feels like on the surface I’m saying I’ll do whatever it takes but deep down I’m pretty sure it’s not going to work. Any compromises are just delaying the inevitable. It’s really awful.

Sandy W, I am standing in your shoes and I have been going through this for 17-18 months now. The very best thing we have done is go to counseling together. Much of it is helping us communicate with each other with out the criticism and defensiveness. We are practicing listening and hearing -both hard work. But she is a tremendous help because she validates and supports both of us. Neither one of us ever feels that she has sided with one or the other. We talked openly about what we want out of the counseling, and both of us want to make it work, and that is what she is helping us do. That doesn't mean that I don't wonder and vacillate all over the place. I have trust issues and I fear not being able to care for myself, so I am always on guard. First marriage was difficult and painful and treated PTSD along with baggage I carry daily.

Don't beat yourself up. The emotional struggle is real and unpredictable and uncharted. Hugs.

Oh yes Sylph, frequently!! As you know he still identifies as a he and likes to express himself at home in female mode when it's just the 2 of us. All quite reasonable and age appropriate, nothing outrageous and I'm used to it. Often I hardly even notice anymore but every now and again it crosses my mind that this is a ridiculous situation and why am I putting up with it!
But then the pragmatist in me realises it could be much more severe/extreme and if this is as far as it goes then that's fine. There is a boundary for me and that's hormones; if he wants to do that then I would never stop him but he will be doing it alone. He did try ordering some online before he told me about the dysphoria but in our country a prescription is needed so that put an end to that, otherwise I doubt we'd be where we are now.
We have been to a few counselling sessions and they seem to help him and I'm happy to go along as support. The counsellor saw him on his own a few times first so I don't really feel as though there's any focus on me, and to be honest I'm ok with that.
I think lots of us feel the same as you!

Sylph, if you are going crazy, then we all are!!

I find I have this dilemma worst in the bedroom. We will try things that validate his female side, and I will feel really close to him which really turns me on, so I will kind of like it. But then I will suddenly feel exhausted and distant. Which I think it just me realizing that none of it is natural for me (even if I can experience pleasure). It is very confusing to me and I cannot explain it to him at all.

Other times I think it is because I have wildly varying feelings and acceptance levels for different things, so depending on the situation and what I am focusing on, my general mood can shift dramatically.

A few weeks ago, I was reading "The Other Side of the Closet" and there was a story in it about a couple who, not only was the husband gay, but the wife realized she was gay too! What was interesting about it is that it seems like it took them about 6 years to fully separate from each other. In other words, even though they realized their true sexualities, both of them had a hard time giving up their relationship.

What I got from it was that making sense of your new relationship will take some time and that's totally normal.

*hugs*

Another crazy roller coaster ride is deciding who is stronger and who needs more support at any given moment in the relationship. We are both going through a lot of shit and our own ups and downs and it makes it even crazier when it has to mesh up with someone else's ups and downs.

It is like when you are on an airplane and they tell you to get your oxygen mask on before helping others. But during the process, our masks get continually knocked off and we are jumping back and forth from helping each other to helping ourselves.

Trust is the biggest issue for me, I was told 7 years ago and it has hardly been mentioned since, in those years I think that it has sent me mad coming to my own conclusions, finally he has an appointment with a counsellor, cannot help thinking ok what now? How much more is there, have been told that does not talk about it as it will hurt me more! It infuriates me that someone can decide for me what I can handle it takes away my choices and leave me feeling lost and just waiting which is no life for anyone. So good to hear everyone's experience and not feel so lonely.

Sea, yes! I try to tell my spouse that in the absence of any details, my mind makes stuff up, and whatever I make it is probably worse than the truth. He is slowly getting better at sharing and verbalizing and not repressing, but we have been working hard on it at home and in counseling for months.

Also, regardless as to why they hide things and apart from the right or wrong about it - the act of hiding (repeatedly) just makes us likely to believe that there is more that we don't know. Their actions condition us to feel that way.

A therapist will help him realize that he is not responsible for your reaction and should not try to control it by controlling what you know.

Good luck <3