Hi, this is the first time I’ve spoken about this to anyone so forgive me if I ramble on. 

My husband is my best friend and the love of my life. We are childhood sweethearts and have been married almost 27 years and have two sons - 17 and 20. We share everything with each other so I thought until about 5 yrs ago. I am not a suspicious person and never thought I needed to worry about my husband keeping secrets from me or being unfaithful but he started acting suspicious and was on his phone or IPad a lot and would always close his phone when I approached. This along with other signs, had me starting to wondering what he was hiding. Long story short, one night laying in bed in the dark, he told me he Like to CD. I wasn’t totally shocked because in the past he had wore my panties and occasionally my lingerie but at the time played it off as something to try once. However, he preceded to tell me he like to wear makeup, wigs, jewelry, sexy clothes and go out and try to pass as a woman. This is wear I became uncomfortable for many reasons. However, I loved my husband and know how difficult it had been carrying this secret alone for so many years and I really felt honored that he loved and trusted me enough to share with me. I did tons of research on the internet and tried to weed out the good information. I felt relieved when I read that most CD are heterosexual happily married men.  We talked about everything, I encouraged him to show me his wardrobe and helped picked out a wig. I also would pick him up makeup and lipsticks from time to time. He asked if he could stay away one night at a trans friendly hotel / bar and said he just wanted to be able to dress like a girl in Public and not feel judged. I thought I understood why he felt that need and encouraged him to go. 

Things seemed to be going great. I felt like we were closer and stronger for sharing this together. 

Fast forward a few years, I’ve now found out my husband has had at least 2 year long affairs with 2 different men where he is the “girl” in the relationship. I have found emails, dirty pics of him dresses as a girl and sent to people on fetish forums and hookup sites. I have a very bad feeling he has been cheating on me for years.  He tells me he hates feeling like he has to Crossdresser but doesn’t think he can stop and when he is a “girl” it’s not my husband cheating on me. But yes. It is! He tells me he loves me and never wants to be without me and that he never wants ANYONE to know he CD. He said he feels like he is 2 people and I can see the agony on his face and it breaks my heart. I won’t to help him but I don’t know what to do. I feel like I can forgive him for anything in the past and I truly don’t have any issues with him CD. It makes him happy and he isn’t hurting anyone. The problem I have is with his unfaithfulness. I only want to have sex with him and he only with me. But the problem is I really don’t know if is capable of doing that. So what do I do!!