Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
I'm not new to transgenderism, as I have a 19 year old son who is transitioning from female to male. We are extremely close, and I am so incredibly proud of the amazing young man he is becoming before my eyes. It's wonderful to see him so happy and confident in who he is, and I couldn't be more proud of him. Unfortunately my son's coming out played a role in the end of my 26 year marriage, but that's a whole other story that is no longer of any importance to me really.
In August, I started talking by text with someone that I briefly (only once or twice) met 20 years ago through my then husband. They all raced cars and hung out in the garage together. They are all very dominant and masculine "man's" men, for lack of a better term. I hadn't seen this person in almost twenty years until I saw him on an online dating site and recognized his picture. We started talking and instantly found a connection. Within a few weeks I started to pick up some things out of our conversations that made me start to question his gender identity, but I wasn't really sure so I just waited to see what came of it. Now, 3 months later I have no doubt that he is transgender. He's been very open with me about his desire to wear women's clothing and have breasts. He is also in to the BDSM lifestyle which is how I think he has coped with keeping this secret for so long. I'm intrigued with the lifestyle myself.
I've figured out that he's known he's different since the age of 9, and is now 51 years old. That's a long time to hide who you really are. We live in a small community, so he hasn't really had a choice but to keep his secret from everyone. I'm the first and only person he's ever told these things to, which is sad when you actually think about it. He must have been so lonely for so long. He's never been married and has only had a few short term relationships with women who didn't know the truth about him, including his BDSM lifestyle.
I suspect he opened up to me so quickly because I told him about my son within the first week of talking to him. I wanted him to know the truth because anyone in my life has to be willing to accept my son unconditionally, which he did.
Although he has been very open with me about many things, he has never come out and said that he is trans, but that's really the only word he hasn't used. I think that he is still scared and putting a label on himself makes it all too real. At this point I'm doing everything I can to support him. Every once in a while he will test me by saying things like "you need to find a real man for yourself", but I've told him he can't push me away that easily. Our relationship has grown a lot in the last couple of weeks with him telling me some honest things about his fantasies, all pointing to him transitioning to female. I'm just trying to figure out the best way to support him while taking baby steps. He's not like my son. My son moved to a large city to start University, and identified 100% as a male as soon as he moved there. My partner may never be able to come out to his friends and family, which makes it harder to embrace who he really is when we have to hide it from everyone. We have separate homes, so I'm trying to make my home a safe place for him to be himself as his father lives with him in his home. Any advice on what I can be doing to make this easier for him, while knowing it may have to remain our secret, would be appreciated.
However, when it comes to spouses/significant others, the love was share is NOT unconditional. When I chose to be with this person, there were conditions... there still are. I know it sounds harsh and we like to romanticise marriage, but marriage is a contract between two people. If one person changes the terms of that contract, then they aren't guaranteed devotion. For example, if your spouse cheats on you with someone else, or if your spouse is abusive, or if your spouse lives a alternative lifestyle, .... the contract changes. You are no longer obligated to stay in the marriage. You can love that person, but it's no longer a mutual respect of the contract/covenant that you both entered into. If something changes in those conditions change and BOTH parties agree to amend the contract, there is a possibility of reconciling and staying together. However if one party changes the conditions without the consent of the other... why should they stay?
In your case, you are aware of such conditions and you can spell those out before you go further with the relationship, but beware, when someone has been suppressing this part of them for so long, you mind find that he will open up a lot more down the road once he is comfortable, things that you might not be ready to accept. My husband feels closer to me now that he has come out to me, yet I feel the furthest I have EVER felt to this stranger who keeps changing the game EVERY SINGLE DAY! Why should I stay?
So my only advice is, be prepared for a lot more than just crossdressing, and if you are willing to accept those conditions, then proceed... just guard your heart, know who YOU are and don't let his identity crisis dictate your own identity. (something I'm still learning for myself)
I hope that helps. Good luck my friend.
First of all I appreciate your honesty in your reply. I do however feel you don't understand what it means to be transgender. You mentioned in your first paragraph that "I would still speak truth and try to show them what is best for them, but ultimately, it's their choice and their lives", but you don't seem to understand that this is not a choice, it is who they truly are. You also said "don't let his identity crisis dictate your own identity". Again, this is not an identity crisis, this is who the person truly is inside, but maybe it took them until now to realize it or be honest with themselves and embrace it. It's certainly not an easy road for the immediate family members such as you and I, but if we're going to take this journey with them, it's up to us to better educate ourselves on the subject.
Again thank you for your honesty and sincerity.
If you think you can make a life with this person and he/she can be completely honest with you, that's your choice and I think you can make it work. As long as the conditions to your contract are upfront and you BOTH stick to that contract.
I don't have to "understand" transgenderism to know that I have been lied to for 18 years. That was HIS choice.
Thanks for the response, and I hope that what I'm offering as advice is helpful to you.
Blessings
You have a unique situation in that not only do you have a child that is transgender but you have entered into a romantic relationship in which you are fully aware of this persons feelings and "gender identity" issues. I can tell you that the rest of us in this forum did not have that luxury. We are here to support each other during an extraordinarily difficult time in which many could never relate to, including you.
With that being said, it seems to me your actual question is one that should be directed towards a transgender forum as they might have better suggestions with regards to what makes them comfortable and safe. Or you could just ask him. What we talk about here is how to make OURSELVES comfortable. How WE can remain who WE "truly are". It's all about supporting the spouse of the transgender person NOT the transgender person themselves.
I'm sorry if that seems harsh, but you really are in the wrong place. I may or may not be speaking just for myself, but when I come to this space, I am not looking for ways to make my spouse feel safe and comfortable. I am also not looking for someone to tell me and my friends here that we are uneducated on this topic that has taken over many of our lives. When I come here it's all about me (and my children) and that's exactly the way a support group is supposed to be.
Beringer, you are entering this relationship knowing very well who this person is, you haven't been lied to. As in any relationship, talk to your partner for what his/her needs are, I'm not sure what you can learn from us.
Transgender aside, I would be very careful in this situation. You are dealing with someone who has never been in a real rekationship...that is a red flag for anyone. It is a strangely abusive relationship you could be getting yourself into ..you are the only one he is confiding in and he is 51 years old? Red flag.
That said, there is no scientific evidence backing the feelings behind transgenderism. If you would like to share information that indicates it is biologically possible, not including intersex, by all means, share.
I agree with Jax.
When I tell people that my husband, whom I am divorcing after 20 years, is transgender, they think that it is a fixed and definite thing. It is not.
I tried helping my husband find his way. This is where I lost myself. Gender dysphoria is so overwhelming, draining and confusing.
Don't become an emotional doormat. Don't sacrifice yourself for anyone.