Kate,

I feel for you. If you look back through my old posts, you will see ones where I am upset about the same things. When I found out that my husband had been hiding his feelings from me for 23+ years and sneaking around and outright lying over the years, I thought I would never get past that broken trust. I was surprised how easily I forgave him for that past. In moving forward, to help allow me to trust him again, we agreed no more lying. But there have been slip ups. And each one hit me hard. A few were bold-faced lies to my face when I knew the truth. Then I found out he had been hiding an unhealthy porn habit (and credit card charges). Thankfully we have a therapist that explains to me that he has learned this behavior out of survival and has used it for decades. Even if he wants to, it is hard to let go of those survival instincts. So we are working on it. It has been getting better. He has to keep hearing about how his behavior was damaging our relationship and our future. Sometimes he hears it from me and sometimes the therapist. It is ironic they they lie because they are worried they can't trust us to react positively when often we have given them no reason not to trust us. Yet he seems miffed when I have trouble trusting him. After a year, I feel like the trust still needs some work and is not fully repaired, BUT I am completely hopeful that it CAN be repaired 100% and think it is the least of my worries.

Good luck and try to have patience, but make sure you tell him how his lies affect you.

~hugs

Hey Kate, it sounds like your spouse has some very bad coping skills. He really needs to work harder to try some new ones.

I think what the most difficult thing is to watch our loved ones fail to accept that they need help. I'm not sure what else to say but I would keep encouraging your spouse to get help. The drinking is an unsustainable solution, whether there are lies or no.

Thanks to you both. As always, I appreciate having this soft place to land. I totally agree that he needs to work on developing new coping skills. I told him again today that I'm willing to see where things go with his gender identity exploration and keep having discussions (together and separate) about that. Over the past 3 weeks I have been -- and would like to continue to be -- here for that. But I don't know how I can better express to him how sad I am to learn that there has been ongoing lies and drinking. It puts me in a position where I don't know what to believe anymore. I'm trying to be patient, but it feels like I just keep getting pushed down.

Gallinarosa, I really appreciate your perspectives and sharing what you and your partner have been working on. There seem to be a lot of parallels. I can totally relate to your partner getting miffed when you have trouble trusting him. I get the same reaction. I am trying to understand that this is his survival mechanism, and he's been lying for a long time. It's hard to switch that off over night. My concern is that I don't know how I'll be able to heal if it continues.

That's really interesting what GR says about lying being a coping mechanism and survival technique. We too have had the lying/hiding things throughout the last few years, and it's a difficult one to get to grips with. My partner has basically had a lifetime of being private, insular, megalomaniac, independent. I've often said he doesn't really get the concept of relationships and sharing a life. He is trying now but finds it hard. I've never seen his bank statements even (we don't have a joint account).

He too gets annoyed when I don't trust him. If I question something he's told me which is as odds with something he'd told me before, he calls me Miss Marple.

Kate, I agree with Cora that the drinking is not a good coping mechanism, and that needs to be addressed. I actually think I am probably drinking too much at the moment, as MY coping strategy. I am trying to cut down on that, as I'm aware it could go too far.

Keep talking to us here, Kate, we are here to help.

Hi everyone. I'm new here. I feel like I might have finally found the online group of people that are sharing my personal tsunami where I feel drowned by the face that my now husband wants to be my wife.

Hi Scrollkeyhp,

I’m glad you are here. I’ve only been here a month but have found such wonderful support here so far. I’m riding the tsunami with you, and believe there is power in numbers.

Oh, Kate. I feel for you friend. My spouse has lied to me so many times that it's difficult to trust her at all, but because I love her it's hard to not want to trust her. You're right, it's exhausting. So very exhausting.

My marriage is about to end, but the one thing I really regret was not seeing a couples therapist. Even if we still ended up in this place at least I would better understand why. She used to drink when she felt like she couldn't tell me something, and in the end (almost 2 years later), she feels that it would be better if she never has to tell me anything; even though I've always been supportive. Her excuse is that she's an introvert, solves things on her own, and I end up feeling like she's keeping secrets from her. I feel like that's the shitiest excuse for lying ever. Introverts don't keep secrets from their significant others.

I hear you about finding a place to share. Often I want to post on FB or Twitter, but I know that that wouldn't be a good place to share these things. It just sounds scary to think about what kind of response I might get. I'm glad you felt comfortable sharing your thoughts here. Please continue to share here. I find that sometimes just telling someone how you're feeling helps sometimes.

I understand how you're feeling... completely. *hugs*

hi,ive just signed up to daily strength,like an hour ago,cause im desperate to know im not the only person that has lived for 24 years with my husband,2 beautiful sons 19 and 20.now my world has turned upside down,im not that great on chats,how does this site work,does everyone on this site see what i post,not that im worried about that,cause we are all on the same bus,would appreciate some help,can i chat to anyone.

if any one sees my message please reply,all new to me x

Angela, I'm sorry you find yourself here, but also glad you found us. Yes, anyone can see your posts - including people who are not registered on the site. That may or may not be a concern of yours.

This board isn't extremely active, and you will find a lot of support here. We are all in varying stages of this journey and have decided on differing paths, but we all try to be respectful of that.

As for me, we were married 20 years when we separated. That was almost 3 years ago, and we are now going through the divorce process. My spouse has fully transitioned. I think that I am one extreme here in that most people here have spouses who are at some point in the transition process but have not fully transitioned. I also think I am the only one here who is going through a divorce.

Please reach out and ask questions. Also, find a counselor or someone you can talk to. I also saw on another post that your spouse has moved out. Please find an attorney and know what your rights are, so you can protect yourself and your sons. Many will do a free consultation, so take advantage of that.

Remember, we are here for you.

Hi Angela, just saw your message. Welcome to the group. I've also been with my husband for almost 24 years (married 20+) with 2 kids. As far as how this works, you can add replies to a post someone else has started (as you have done here), or start a new post. The public can see everything you post if they come here. You can also send private messages to anyone here if you need to say something privately. The people here are extremely nice and supportive, so please reach out as you will need that now more than ever! If you just found out, I imagine you must feel like the world is falling apart right now :( If it makes you feel better, I was there a year ago - world falling apart - and I am still standing today. It has not been all bad :)

I will send you a private message so you can see how that works. You need to be logged in to see those.

Good luck! <3

the mere mention that he had to lie to you to act out his dysphoria, tells me your having trouble. but i'm wondering what your meaning of dysphoria is? is he acting as a woman or is it a bi-sexual thing. if its the for mentioned best have him at home doing his thing where its safe. if its the later, your out of luck, he'll only cheat on you. good luck i posted answers to a lot of women tonight look around maybe one of my answers will help you