Hi Pen,

Welcome to this group. You are not alone. Any of us here could have written your post. We know exactly what you are going through. We are a rather lost group. It is encouraging that Trangendered people are starting to get support and acceptance. Good for them. For the spouses of these individuals, life can be hell. There is little or no support for us. We are quite the invisible group. I hope you read through the posts in this group, they are very helpful, you will find many similar stories, and some good advice. I've said this before on this site, and I will say it again. The most important thing you can do right now is to find someone to talk to. A friend, a family member, someone you trust. Build a support team for yourself. The more you talk about what is happening to you, the easier it will be to find your way through this and make the right decisions for a happy future for you. There are a few spouses who can make it work with their transgendered spouse. A lot of us can't make it work. There have been too many lies. We are somehow expected to deny our sexuality and definition of marriage to indulge the trans individual,

Much of my story is in other posts. Once I was able to come to the conclusion I could be his friend, but not his wife, and put my needs first, I was able to change my life. I have left a marriage of 29 years. He has been out of the house for five months. At first it felt like falling off a cliff. Making the decision to end the marriage was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I am off the emotional roller coaster. I am a much happier woman.

I imagine you are frustrated, angry, confused, and sad. The marriage you signed up for is gone. You do not have to accept being the wife of a transgendered person. It does not make you a bad person, or an unloving person. You are a kind and loving person to give your husband so much understanding. You have made a huge effort to make your marriage work. It is time for you to take care of you. This is a safe place for you to feel what you feel.

Strength and courage,

Herstory

Thank you so much for your support, it's sad to hear that your marriage had to end but I feel like that is the only enevitable conclusion when one partner makes such a fundermental change to a relationship, I am beginning to believe that leaving my husband may be the only way to get him to see that he has more than one decision to make , or the only way that I can preserve myself. It's so sad I would NEVER have foreseen this for our marriage, but then I've not really been in the marriage I thought I had.
Thanks again for your support and advice. Pen

Oh gosh, I feel like that is a blatantly disregard for you, your feelings, your needs. Even though your marriage will not quite look the same from here forward, you deserve to have your anniversary! I would be livid! How about them acknowledging the support that you have been for all of these years?! Sorry, this isn't helpful. I'm just so angry for you.

Pen, I'm in that first stage... we've been together 18 years. He came out to me 4 months ago (hinted at it 9 months ago). We have 3 kids and I hate the idea of divorce. I see your story and I'm afraid I'm right behind you... in your EXACT footsteps. He's already hinted at doing more around the house and helping me out (which he hasn't really before), and then when you mentioned cooking with you in full garb... I had a flashforward of my own life, and it's terrifying. I don't know how you held on that long, yet I am very aware that I'm on that path. I don't want a girlfriend. I got married for a reason. I was my true authentic self from the beginning, and I feel like that man has betrayed and lied to me. I think many times how it would be if he went back to the way he was, and even THAT pisses me off, because it's all a lie. So now I stay, and live a new lie... one I am aware of... and I don't know if I can do it for long. He says he's still trying to figure it out, but I really think that once the cat is out of the bag, there is no going back. He hints on IG that he always wanted to be a girl, but tells me that he's still trying to figure it all out... I think he's just trying to have his cake and eat it too. Not fair to me... it's not fair to you. We deserve better. My worry is my kids. I don't want to separate our family. But how can I continue to suffer? I have a high pain tolerance, but I won't let him hurt my kids. Thier image of a father will forever be scarred from all this. If he suppresses it, I know in time he will do what yours is doing... leaving clothes out and basically trying to get "discovered", which to me is a cop out. They want us to do the hard work and carry the burden. When will I say "enough"? I don't know. I feel for you. I am you. I'm so alone, so terrified. :-(

When you mentioned "Cake & eat it too" I had to suggest this gal. "Chump Lady". Although her story is a hetero marriage & husband having an affair, her philosophies about survival of being cheated & lied to are universal. She has a wicked sense of humour that can really help lift the mood we can get into when searching here and other forums for answers. Check her out & bookmark her ......Hope everyone is having a gentle night..............

http://www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-unified-theory-of-cake/

I am about to celebrate...if you want to call it a celebration...20 years of marriage. I don't get help around the house as he just goes and changes over and over into new and different outfits...all from the 80's you know the mini skirts big hoop earrings, very tight fit clothes and got to stuff to make the big boob look. He started to come out over 13 years ago...never to his friends or work (race car driver and heavy equipment operator) but said 13 years ago that the more I ask for sex the less he wanted it...so I never ask again. It is like living so alone. He is angry at me a lot as if it is my fault and he drinks more and more. I used to go out to the big garage with the guys on shop nights but I am still a very attractive woman and there attention would go away from my husband to me and he would get angry at that as I think he gets his strokes by the men out there in a fantasy sort of way...they are all quite happily married. I am so very alone. He did confide with my 38 year old daughter but then was constantly calling her and over and over at odd hours to ask how to be a woman or if she noticed his boobs growing or that they doubled his hormones. She finally had to back off and block his number as he was very badmouthing about me. Not sure where to go now but I don't think I can do this anymore. I am so glad I found this site the other night. Please keep it going as you know we are the lost ones left on the outside. Thanks my new friends