I'm so sorry Otta. *hugs* It seems like a common thing that happens, that the trans spouse can't wrap their heads around their spouses' needs.

This is definitely not your fault and I'm so proud of you for standing up for your needs.

My spouse has been angry with me too so I feel you there.

Thanks for your replay
I'm going through this slowly and it's good to hear how others have dealt with things

None of this is your fault. Your husband has some serious flaws if he is talking smack about you. Does his sister know the truth? I understand you feeling like you can't talk to anyone, but please try. the only reason why I say nothing is because we are trying to work it out, but believe me, if we separate, I will not hold back.

I feel it's not my place to tell people or our kids
He needs.to do that when he's ready
That's why it's so hard because I have no one to talk to
I'm terrified how our kids will take it they are 15;20 and 20
But have had no exposure to this plus it's their dad becoming a.women
....
I understand now that I'm hurt by him and need to process that

Otta, I made the mistake of thinking it was his place to tell, and when he told my 2 adult daughters, they were so angry at me for not telling them myself. This is not just his transition, it is yours too.

Hugs to you, Otta. You are not alone. Your priority right now is to find healthy ways for YOU to deal with and process this information.

As far as telling people, it is a delicate balance, but not different than in any other relationship. You both have conflicting needs and you need to work on fair compromises together. When I found out, The secret was too much for me to carry. My spouse might be fine to have been in a closet his whole life. He chose that. But I cannot live that way. I am very open with a large network of family and friends. It made me feel deceptive to hide it. I thought that part alone would destroy me and my marriage.

But I started by finding a therapist. Talking to her has been HUGE. Then I found this forum. It has been a lifesaver to not only have a dialogue with others... but with others in the same boat! I have a few close friends whom live far away and I never see in person that I have told and talk to when I need to. Plus I write a lot which has given me another way to process all this and work through it.

I have talked to my spouse and he knows that this part is a struggle for me and has agreed to discuss telling select people if the need becomes urgent. We have agreed on certain people and discussed what it would mean for each of us.

So far, the people I have told and talk to have not affected him at all. AND, the things I have chosen to share and the people I have chosen to share with are enough right now. It still feels a little weird for me to keep it from some people, but that's part of the compromise. Also, I am finding ways to share just enough to make me not feel deceptive. A few people know that we are working on our marriage, and that is all they need to know.

I hope this place helps you as much as it has helped a lot of us.

<3

Yes this is helping me greatly
I am only now with the help of a therapist understanding that I am HURTING
I can't stay in the relationship
To.me.it feels like he.lied to me and himself about who he truely is and we married and had 3 kids
Now that is all turned upside down and I'm left isolated, emotional a wreck , financial ruined .
And not to mention the kids and how they will deal with it all when he tells them.
But finding this on.line forum has let me see others in my situation ...

I am so sorry and know your hurt. I still don't tell everyone because it hurts to discuss it. I often hear replies like "eww" when people find out. Then they ask if I knew when I married him. That hurts to hear. .. But this is not something we are accountable for. We were deceived. The shame is not ours. Tell your friends if it helps. If it doesn't help at this point, just say you are not ready to discuss it. There is a lot to process.

I have told a few friends who are close to me
I am processing the hurt I would.like to be able to tell.jim how much I am HURTING and how much this has affected me and how it's his fault the marriage has ended but I don't want to add to his struggle with wanting f to transition he is depressed and has been on meds for a while
I don't want to be the one that pushes him I we the edge
It's a fine line that I walk
One day I will discuss it with him for now I will deal with my emotions so I can be strong for my kids when he tells.them
Thanks to everyone how has replied or posted
It does help to know how other spouses are coping whether they stay or leave
It never occurred to me that there are.other people.foing through the same thing until my therapist mentioned it.
Thank you

I've just reread what I wrote and what you guys wrote
I sound a bit angry I've moved on A bit now. I've realised it's time that allows me to move through certain feelings and a good theripest. He moves out tomorrow and the house is on the market just need it to sell quickly so I can move on
Kids still don't know not sure when he'll tell them he doesn't seem to have a strong relationship with them at the momment bit that's his problem
I'm.not sure if I will get a chance to tell him how hurt I am with what's happened but I haven't totally given up talking to him yet just one small step at a time .....
I hope everyone is doing ok and they have time to process their own situations and a good theripest...