Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
It's been about 15 months since my husband of 15 years told he is transgender. As to what this means and what it will mean in the future is unclear. He has been all over the place, telling me in the same sentence that he contemplates a more non-binary presentation and a full transition. He is trying to figure it out. I feel that I don't help. At best, I try not to make it any more difficult. He wants reassurances from me that I will be there and our marriage and family will remain as it has been, but yet I don't know what it is that I am being asked to accept. My responses make it harder for him to move forward. It's a dance we are doing. Sometimes, I think he wants me to tell him not to transition because I know that he is scared. I definitely sympathize with what he is going through. I am also tired, angry, frustrated, depressed, and lots of other emotions I can't think to name. I tend to be someone who needs a good amount of control over most aspects of my life, and this decision that he is making I can't control. He needs to figure it out and live in a truthful way. It can't be about what I want. That said, I am tired of the process, and the idea of this being dragged out over 5-10 years was so upsetting to me that I gave him a deadline. I don't think this is fair to him, but it was about being fair to me. Living in limbo and being jerked all over the place has been pretty painful. The deadline helped me feel sane, some illusion of control. There are therapists involved but it is slow. It's a lot of two steps forward and two steps back. No doubt the grass is always greener on the other side. I'm sure that the spouses of transgender folks who just said, "this is what I am doing", were upset that they didn't have time to process anything and were not involved in the process. I am in the camp that is saying, "figure this out, please".
My question to you: Were there certain actions or steps that your spouses took to help them to determine what they wanted or didn't want with regards to expressing their gender?
In answer to your question about what steps to take to help them decide - I guess in our case it was the hormone therapy. I feared greatly that they would make him want to become more female, but so far - after 9 months - that hasn't happened, and he THINKS he has figured out - he's gender fluid, with a more female slant. He seems to like the androgynous look. He says he's content. He really thinks he doesn't want or need to go any further. Of course neither of us can predict the future, but things do seem to have stopped where they are.. He determined VERY early on that he doesn't want any surgery. His dysphoria is not genital based, he's actually rather fond of his male parts! His main triggers have been body hair, and body shape, both of which are now heading to where he wants to be.
The other things I can suggest is therapy - with a gender therapist - which you seem to be doing, and also experimenting - trying things out. My partner went through the 'extreme' underwear/ultra feminine clothes (corsets, very lacy bras, stockings etc) but now has dumped all those. A lot of people also suggest a 'real life experience ' - go out somewhere for the day in female mode. That often gives them the idea of what they want. I guess my partner has been doing that - he works away from home so have plenty of opportunity - and seems, again, to have found his comfort zone.
The only other thing I can say, is to keep communication open, talk to each other, ask questions, and also be ready for many ups and downs, many changes of heart (from both of you) and accept that it's not always quick or easy to work things out.
Wishing you lots of love, and luck, it's good to hear that you are being so open to it all.
I have concluded that there is not a lot of truth to be had in disphoria. My husband's birth body m2f does not feel right to him. Yet everything he is going through to transition is extreme and artificial. Pills, electrolysis surgery voice lessons how to walk lessons...The pills come with an increase risk of cancer. The voice he takes on after the speech therapist tried to help him feminize is just a weak tone. That offends me as it implies women are weak! He dresses like a teen hooker even after his sister coached him on shopping. And yet he still behaves ias a male who presents as female. And his moods still swing widely. You are looking for control. I could not even find leverage.
My husband would do crazy stunts then beg me not to leave him. A counselor said he is trying to see how far he can push me away to test whether I love him and at the same time prove to himself that he is not worthy of love because that is how he feels. I think he wants to love me, but does not live himself. The best way I have been able to support him is by following advise on how to live with someone who has borderline personality disorder. His counselor has not diagnosed that in him. Once the patient says "transgender", that seems to be all the deeper they look. Yet when I described life with him to my counselor, she said she could not diagnose him from a distance but that I might find books on boarderline personality to be helpful. They describe him perfectly.
You want to help him while having some predictability for yourself. Yet if your spouse is like mine, they are very complex. Unless you are a trained counselor, be careful about how much help you give beyond listening.. I don't see that even his team of councilors, doctors, Human Resources, support groups, and lawyer have helpped my husband much. He remains a deeply unhappy person. I hope you have a support network and some other part of your life that offers steadiness.
Reading your response does make me realize the ridiculous notion that I have any control. That said, it sounds like you are really dealing with some difficult behavior. What do you do to take care of yourself and stay healthy?
I'm not sure that I can be of much help. I think one thing though that I think sort of "helped" was that he was so obsessed with taking hormones, I was like, ok if that's what you want to do, then you should bank some sperm so you can have kids in the future.
And he was kinda resistant to it but he did it. And that made him feel like I was forcing him to transition. And I'm like, asshole, if you want to do hormones, this is a reasonable next step. Like WTF?
Anywho, things got weirder and in December I told him I wanted a divorce and that's when he finally did a 180 on everything. Oh, I don't want to do hormones now blah blah.
Regardless, I do think it's a good idea that you gave yourself a deadline. Yeah, perhaps it's unfair, but like you said, I don't think it's unfair to you. I pretty much gave myself a deadline---see where we are at the one year mark and reevaluate.