Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
A few months ago, my husband of 4 years came out to me as being transgender. (S)he is the love of my life, but I don't know how to get through this or if it's even a future I want. We've been trying since before we got married (over 5 years) to start a family. We've has 7 early losses, diagnosed subfertility on his/her end. (Not quite infertility). (S)he wants to start hormone therapy soon, which will destroy any chances of us ever having a successful pregnancy without freezing his/her sperm IVF, IUI's or donor sperm. I feel like maybe I should just give up on the idea of having kids. It would be so easy to end my marriage instead, but that thought is destroying me. I just want my husband and my future back. I feel like I am getting no support. When I express my feelings, I don't get validation. I am so alone. What's the point in even trying anymore? I feel like I've lost my entire life.
Try to find as much support as you can - friends, family. Your future is going to change and I think that is the hardest part of this journey to accept.
If your husband wants children too can you negotiate delaying hormone therapy until after you have been able to have a baby? Have you had your losses investigated? If you've been able to fall pregnant 7 times - that's promising.
Unfortunately once the decision has been made to transition - there is no going back. This is the time you need to think about yourself. It's a lot easier to leave if you don't have kids involved.
It is very hard to understand what's going through the mind of someone wanting to transition and it's difficult for them to acknowledge our pain and fears. You are entitled to feel angry and hurt and lost and grieve the husband and future you are losing.
You are not alone.
The sentence that sticks out for me is "I just want my husband back." The reality is, that will never happen. If he is transgendering he will become a "woman." You need to ask yourself if you can live with another "woman" and have sex with another "woman." Once he starts hormone therapy he will grow breasts, lose facial hair...then the surgeries will begin...the scrapping of the Adam's apple, the smaller nose, higher cheeks bones, hair transplanting, and finally the genital surgeries. My ex looks like a cheerleader in a football uniform. The sight of him from far away(I will not acknowledge him in public) make me physically ill. I was married for 20 years before w divorced. Shortly afterwards he started to take the hormones. He hid it from me. My children( now 22' 19 and 16... Two girls and a boy) are so messed up on so many levels. What you need to ask yourself is are you worthy enough to have someone love you for you, respect you enough to be honest with you(thoughts of transgendering have been there for probably his whole life) and take care of your needs. My ex is the most selfish human being on the face of the earth. He knew the girls did not accept this and he went through with it anyway. He gave up his children so he could live this lifestyle and the scars he carved in them are so deep and so complicated.
Ask yourself this, and be honest...how can someone who hid a huge part of their life from you really be the love of your life? You really didn't know him. Four years is a short period of time. It doesn't get any easier and if you push your real feelings down or go into denial, eventually it will eat away at you.
You didn't say how old you are but my guess is your still young enough to fall in love again. It may take time to find someone you will trust, but it will happen. I did. I never thought I could...didn't look for it...and now my children have a strong male role model in their lives who loves them as his own and I have never been happier. As sorry as I am for your miscarriages, it is so much worse when you have children caught up in this. I'm trying not to be insensitive, but you signed up on this site for support and understanding...my experience tells me, cut your losses and find someone who fulfills your needs. Don't prolong the agony. At least I was divorced already when this all went down...I cannot imagine what insanity and hell my life would have been if he started while we were still together. I know some of the other women on this site have experienced it.
If you're religious, seek out your spiritual leader. If you have a dear old friend you can trust...go to her. It was a long time before I confided in my friends...I was embarrassed, scared, lost. They were there for me...I wish I had reached out earlier.
You still have time to think about this, but remember, if you bring a child into this...you are responsible for that child as well. My experience is that it is always the mother whi stays with the kids.
Reggie