I'm also really struggling with the physical changes my wife is making. She's still using female pronouns and hasn't started binding, but has started packing. My emotional response to her packing is much stronger than I would have expected. I know that I love her for her heart but I really miss her femininity. I am angry with her for changing and I'm angry with myself for not being as supportive as I feel I should be.

My wife doesn't pack but does wear binders any time she leaves the house. For now, I still get boobs at home.

I might be heterosexual, but the fact that your partner makes you question your own sexuality and identity is truly unfair. I've been through the same thing with my husband. I feel like he's making me a lesbian and because I am not one, it feels like it's forced on me. It's unfair and abusive. I didn't choose him so that I can be with a lesbian, or a girlfriend, or a pal... I chose him to be my husband anything else, is just a lie. Good luck on your journey my friend... I'm still confused and trying to figure all this out. The one thing I know now for sure is that I'm not a lesbian... in any way (even if my husband still has male equipment... it's the frame of mind).

I will just say this...you actually don't have to cope with it. You don't have to be supportive. The person you love is asking you to change to fit their needs. That isn't healthy.

Transition is such a hard time for all parties involved! I feel ya! You're not alone. My partner is MTF, so what does that make me? Bi doesn't quite fit me, but straight and lesbian don't fit either. I tend to go with "queer," but I decided that I just am me. I don't quite fit into anybody's box.
I STRONGLY encourage finding a good counselor, someone to talk to (other than your partner) about what you're feeling and experiencing. Some people can come to a point where they can reconcile their sexuality with their partners new identity. But you don't have to... each person and each situation is different, so give yourself time to evaluate what is going on inside you.
It's really important that you seek counseling and take care of yourself. Seek counseling, but don't let anyone tell you what you should do or must do. You have to listen to your heart and decide for yourself what you can and cannot handle.
For me, it took time. It takes time with each new step, but I love my partner and I love seeing the positive changes that he is experiencing. Thankfully he moved really slowly, so I had time to adjust through boxers and binders and testosterone one step at time. I allow myself to grieve losses at each step so that I can also celebrate the joys.
Feel free to message me if I can offer any support.

My partner and I have been "lesbians" but now he is transitioning to male. I don't particularly have a lot of my own identity wrapped up in the gender of my partner (like, I totally don't mind being a lesbian married to a man with people seeing us as a straight couple... who cares what they think or how they identify us, it works for us!) But I do have friends who have lost the attraction for partners after or during a transition and have broken up with them. That is normal too, and there is nothing to be ashamed of if that is the case.

HOWEVER. Saying that your partner's transition is "abusive" to their partner is such complete selfish BS that I am surprised you have the gall to even write it. Their journey and identity is not about YOU. No one is "forcing" you to be straight or to be a lesbian or whatever. Your partner is trusting you with their soul, with their identity; and even if ultimately the sexual relationship or partnership has to end because of your own identity or desires, there is no need to be selfish and mean about it. You say you love this person, so if you truly love them you will be at least emotionally supportive even if you don't end up staying married.

I think if life were simple and both parties knew themselves, obviously for a lot of us we wouldn't be in this situation. If everyone was perfect and able to understand and handle these emotions perfectly, we wouldn't be here.

There are times when I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship. I don't say that lightly. And perhaps the best way to understand that is that being trans and being abusive are two separate issues. And I think for a lot of us here, there's probably a lot of intersection between the two because our spouses did not accept themselves before they got into relationships with us. That's not a great foundation for a healthy relationship.

Anyone can be in an abusive relationship. It doesn't matter if you a man, woman, trans, lesbian, bi, gay, genderqueer, or whatever. There's this book about abuse in queer relationships called "The Revolution Starts at Home." I highly recommend it.

I have been married to my husband for 15 years. When we met, I was an out lesbian and so was he, though very butch. He explained he wanted to transition and I was ok with that (after some time) because my identity wasn’t a struggle for me. I had been out for 7 years and didn’t care what anyone thought. He transitioned. It was HARD. I put up with some serious changes. We made it though. We have been living as a straight couple. We have kids through IVF. Now, he is going more and more right wing....church, life, etc. Now, 15 years later I am struggling. I love him but miss being myself. He has also said that he has turned me straight and that, if something were to happen to him, I would only date men. Um, no. THIS is what is making me nuts. I put up with your gender change and you can’t handle that I am still a lesbian? I don’t need to shout it to everyone but respect me too. Ugh. So, yes, sometimes it can be very hard and complicated and my life is getting very complicated. I am in therapy and attempting to get him into counseling with me because he needs it too, though he says it isn’t his problem. Ugh.

Yogamama,

That's really hurtful. Did you end up getting your spouse to go to therapy with you? It would be such a cruel joke to be pulled through the wringer like that. My spouse became more religious before coming out, kind of the opposite of what you are describing. The attempted nullification of your identity is chilling to me. I know there is criticism of those trans people who "pass" hiding their identity. I can't imagine not identifying as queer with my spouse, but I can see some might take issue with this as failing to confirm their gender identity.

Hi! Sorry, somehow I missed your response with all my drama here. Yes, he is in therapy with me now. I don’t know if it is helping. He is doing everything I want now and trying very hard. The problem is that it was very bad for about 5 years and I talked to him constantly to work with me but he only stepped up when I threatened to leave or file for divorce...and it took a lot for me to get to that point. So now, I am trying, he is trying but I am not 100% sure I have the emotions left in me. I am trying for the kids....but I am struggling to be okay sexually (since I have never really been straight) and he is very masculine in looks, emotions and actions. I don’t know. I did realize that he got to the point where he didn’t really see me anymore and maybe only saw me as an accessory or reflection of his needs and that was hard. My now reclaiming my lesbian identity is terrifying him but I can’t change that. It’s so horribly complicated. Thanks for checking in.

Yeah, my spouse is trying really hard right now, now that I've filed for divorce. And it's really sad because to see all this effort is just waaaay too late, at least for me. And it's kinda one of those things I'm accepting about myself and loving myself--that I deserve someone to show up earlier and not when I've been pushed to the brink. I don't think that's being a good partner.

Cora, I agree. It is such a hard place to come to. I tend to discount my own experience so keep second guessing my last 5 or 6 years (maybe it wasn't that bad? Etc). When I think about it, I realize it was awful- a lot of gaslighting. And it feels like this trying so hard to do everything I want now is also self-serving (like he is trying to rope me in again). So, I totally hear you and am sorry you had to go through this. You are a strong woman. Hang in there.

Yogamamma, Cora:

Identifying when your partner has hurt you, devalued you, or ignored you is not a personal fault. You can't set aside your own feelings and come away with a strong relationship.

Hugs to both of you strong ladies!