Somedays I wish I had never fallen in love with her. </3

Oh LeighAnn, I'm not surprised you're heartbroken. You have stood by her in this monumental change and it's like she's throwing it all back in your face. You have been so much more supportive than many of us here, she is incredibly lucky to have had you.
I do wonder if perhaps she did always have a long term view that didn't include you? Why didn't she include you in anything? Why was she against couple therapy? I think you're right and it does sound like she had her own agenda. I worry that my partner is also reluctant to include me in things, like his dealings with the gender clinic.
Do you think maybe your spouse has had a change in sexual preference? It doesn't happen that often in mtf but it's not unknown.
Sorry you are going through this, but you do need to sit down and talk to your spouse and get your futures sorted out. This limbo and dragging of feet isn't doing you any good at all.
Sending love.

LeighAnn, I am so sorry you are going through this. You are absolutely right. It is unfair. Straight up, hands down wrong.

I hope you don't mind if I speak bluntly.

Your spouse has made up her mind, and you need to protect yourself and your future as best you can. I don't know if children are involved or how long you were married, but please, please, please, find a good attorney. Many will do a free consult, and see what steps you need to take to protect yourself.

Also, reach out to your family. They love you. From what you say, it sounds as if their issue wasn't the trans thing, but rather the deceit that came with it. As one person says on another board I read, this is your rainy day, and you need your rainy day people.

I would also think about going "no contact" if you can. If she doesn't want you to care for her post op, use that time to care for yourself. Speak to your counselor and learn to recognize her manipulation and blame shifting techniques. Saying this is all your fault while refusing to accept her own role in this situation is a prime example. Some time apart and some time looking at your relationship through a different lens may make this process a little easier for you.

Finally, realize that you are worthy of love. We all are. You deserve to have someone who loves you for you. Someone who passionately desires your company. Sadly, it sounds as if that is no longer your spouse. Try to look at this as a do-over. Your spouse is releasing you and giving you a second chance at love. Start to look forward to forging your own path and grabbing that chance when the time is right. I know it is easier said than done, but it does get better. I am going through the divorce process right now as well, and believe me, it is much, much harder than I thought it would be. However, I am seeing my spouse and my marriage in a much clearer light. It is both heartbreaking and empowering, but I KNOW I will be better off when I reach the other side.

Good luck to you. Please do reach out to your family, and feel free to reach out to me here as well.

Hi LeighAnn. I'm sorry for your situation too, but I have to agree with those above - it sounds like she's had a hidden agenda all along and that you've been deceived and abused.

I also agree that, starting today, right now, you have to put your own needs and wants first and foremost - you have to be selfish for a change (except that it's not being selfish, it's just attending to your own health and well-being). You deserve better, so much better! TR

Thank you, ladies, for reading and responding. I really do appreciate it.

I do have a lot of work do with in regards to taking care of myself for sure. It's so tough when I've given so much of myself to her.

LeighAnn, I just saw your message. That is awful! I am so sorry. I don't have a lot to add to what has already been said except to echo the part about taking care of yourself. Remember that you have survived this long and you are a strong person. Try to reconnect with the things in life that make you feel good and make you feel like you. They will help give you strength.

~hugs <3

LeighAnn, I have just gone through something very similar with my ex FtM partner. After a year on testosterone, he started shutting down, leaving me out of his process. He didn't want me at his last top surgery revision, which was heartbreaking because I'd stood by his side and been a part of the process through many other milestones and hard times when no one else was (him coming out, double mastectomy, bipolar manic psychotic break, etc.). To say I feel used and not valued is an understatement. I finally told him if he couldn't be present, open and honest with me then I was done. He then came out and told me his sexual orientation had shifted and that he was no longer in love with me and is only attracted to men now (after identifying as a lesbian his whole life). Then he tried to throw the blame of the breakup on me saying I wasn't supportive of his transition and struggled with fear of change at every step of it. I think what 1newstart said is right. Getting a therapist helps so much. For the longest time I felt guilty and took the blame for the breakup, but I'm finally starting to realize how selfish he was during the process and probably never saw me in his future plans. It's as if I was used for emotional support until he was strong and confident enough in himself as male. I didn't realize how much emotional energy I used during my rollercoaster ride with him. As hard as it's been the last few months, no contact has helped. I've deleted him from social media, haven't seen or spoken to him and have asked mutual friends not to mention his name. Although I still have many days where I either miss him or just feel extreme anger and resentment toward him, I am starting to feel so much lighter and free. We both deserve a life where our partners can give 50/50 and want to fight for us as much as we do them. My relationship with my ex became so one-sided after he started transitioning. Take care of yourself and I hope in time you realize that you deserve more.