Don't leave us, Cora! I balance things by looking at Susan's, even sometimes posting. Funnily enough my guy has told me to stay off the trans boards as he thinks they are planting thoughts and ideas in my head which don't apply to him or us. They are making me too pessimistic and imagining the worst. He doesn't mean this one. I too can't relate with the spouses who so willingly share their husbands' journeys, and even see it as some sort of great adventure. Stay here with us, I get a lot from knowing there are others in the same situation.

I read somewhere that something like 40-50% of women fantasize about sex with another woman (or watch lesbian porn). That doesn't mean 40-50% of women are lesbians...

Do you think you will get divorced? Does he want it? I'm sure you will make the right decision, whatever that may be, but it's possibly a long way off.

I don't know you, so I don't know if it sounds like any sort of control, more a validation, as you say, seeking approval and support, and being very grateful when he gets it. Looking from the outside it sounds like he loves you very much.

Keep posting!

Thanks Sylph. :)

My spouse and I love each other very much, but this whole situation is just breaking my heart. :(

You are not alone Cora! I can relate exactly to how you're feeling and what you're going through. It's almost as if our spouses aren't taking into consideration that this majorly affects our life and we have to work through all of our own emotions about the situation... and that takes time. It's like a crazy roller coaster: one day you're okay with the idea and think you're love can make anything work, the next you're depressed and crying your eyes out, and then the next you're completely pissed off.
Your spouse may think the board is negative from their perspective, but I have found great encouragement personally from knowing I'm not alone in my struggles. I've also found it more productive to vent on here, rather than expressing all of my negative feelings with my spouse.
Try to stay strong Cora.

About wondering if he is controlling you, I have found that being transgender has led my own husband to be very sensitive. He gets really down and distant if he doesn't get positive feedback. His therapist has told us not to try to control each other's feelings we are each entitled to our feelings. For him, I think he has developed over the years a need to control everything in his life. We are working on it. The part that bothers me is that it feels like he is controlling everything but at the same I feel like I am being made responsible for his happiness. Given that his happiness and mine have a lot of opposing needs, it is too much of a burden. Even the transgender thing aside. Every person needs to be responsible for their own happiness (while recognizing that others effect it).

Cora, porn doesn't make you a lesbian. That would be like saying that because women have rape fantasies they all want to be raped. It's ludicrous. Guys think about doing it with guys, but that doesn't mean that want the exit to become an entrance.
As far as the control, I would say look back at the relationship. If he has controlled you before, it is likely he is doing it again. If he just wants validation it is probably because he is insecure and feeling like others in that they want to be women but keep their wives too. Like having the best of ALL worlds. My daughter tells me that it sounds like my spouse wants his cake and to eat it too. I tend to agree with her.
As for the posting site, no matter where you go you are going to find bias. That is just the simple truth. On this site we are women, mostly, who have no idea what we are facing, what our futures hold, how to maintain our marriages, wondering how we caused this, or allowed it or missed it in the first place. We are women who need others in the same boats to talk to. If you go on Susan's site, you will likely find a great deal of people who feel we are whiners and babies and mean people that don't love and support their spouses. No matter where we go we will find bias. You have to go to the site that makes you feel heard, understood, and accepted. Which, you are here, as Sylph said.
I will tell you straight out that number 4 is a control thing. ABSOLUTELY. My first husband was a verbally and emotionally abusive man. He was insecure and controlling. Anger comes from fear. My spouse was afraid he was losing me and his anger pushed us away more and more. Your husband's anger comes from fear. You might want to talk with him about that, ask him what he is afraid of and then just talk - really talk. I say this to you, but I can't do it myself. I can't be honest because I don't know what the truth is for me.
I am sorry to hear that you are struggling with control issues because it adds a dimension to your relationship that clouds an already murky messy situation. Gaining your control back really requires counseling on your part. There are free counseling places in my state for women in domestic situations. You need to build up your confidence, feel secure with yourself, be able to say what you want and not feel like you have to vacillate or acquiesce to him.
I am so sad to read about all the new ladies that have been joining our unfortunate club. It makes my heart sad.

"It's like a crazy roller coaster: one day you're okay with the idea and think you're love can make anything work, the next you're depressed and crying your eyes out, and then the next you're completely pissed off."
Yes, that is exactly it Jennifer! I pride myself on being sure of myself, but geez this roller coaster! How can we figure anything out on it!?!

"The part that bothers me is that it feels like he is controlling everything but at the same I feel like I am being made responsible for his happiness."
Exactly GR.

"Your husband's anger comes from fear. You might want to talk with him about that, ask him what he is afraid of and then just talk - really talk."
This is a really good suggestion 17. I will try it. I've talked a lot about my fears, but he hasn't really talked about his. I ended up just telling him that we weren't going to submit divorce papers the next day so he just needed to stop. I told our therapist about it and how I just can't deal with a divorce right now and ze was all, "Yeah, you guys aren't there yet." I needed to hear that.

Cora it sounds like he is scared about the future too, especially when I read 3 & 4. He's worried that this group is negative because it's different from his utopia (you know the one, where everyone is accepting and happy and any past history is magically ok). And he's being a bit controlling because he's very frightened of being left alone. Somehow making it your decision makes him feel a little better, and again that sounds like fear. Talking about what his fears are should help with that.

Cora I almost agree with your husband. There are so few women on this board with their heads screwed on straight for you to begin to get the support you need. I worry that you are coming here not to find true positive support, accept your situation and move forward in the least hurtful way possible. I'm concerned that women in your situation are coming here to wallow in the echo chamber of negativity, resentment and denial that so permeates this group. I've been lurking for a long while and just decided to join up and try to balance the conversation a little.

First let me say that I believe that deep down inside, you know your husband is giving you good advice about coming here. Listening to others deny and talk about their grudging support and open resentment towards their spouses can't be that helpful. It's a temporary diversion on the road to something better and meaningful with your husband.

I'm gonna ask you to turn off your emotions and switch on your brain for just a minute. Why in the world do you think you husband needs constant validation from you? Could it be because he loves you and hopes to make this transition with you at his side? You say you love each other and I don't doubt that for one second. Ask yourself something. Do you love him for the person he is or the generic gender you've always taken for granted that he would be? I'm betting you love him fore himself and he feels your love is all encompassing and limitless. Who wouldn't want to hang onto that? Don't turn his need for your love and support into something as crass as mere validation. He could get that from his therapist or another transgender person who actually gets what he's going through and empathizes with his struggle. He prefers to share with you because he loves you.

It breaks my heart to hear how he lights up at the possibility of something as simple as you respecting him enough to call him by his proper pronoun. The fact that you feel some kind of way about doing that for the person you profess to love actually makes my chest hurt. It seems the ounce of human compassion that we all like to believe we have fractures so easily when pitted against our own self-serving need to maintain the status quo of our marital relationships.

That he hopes you might still be interested once he makes his transition to being a woman because you watched lesbian porn is perfectly normal. He's hoping you might love him as a human being enough to give the sex piece a try once he transitions. That a person would have to negotiate with t heir spouse this way for acceptance is sad. The fact that you can't manage to just let him know you love him and are open to exploring sex with him after his transition, even if it pushes the boundaries of what you thought you wanted in a relationship shows how thin our true commitment is when pitted against our own self interest.

That he is getting angry because you can't even say you are open to the possibility does not surprise me, for it's a betrayal of your supposed love for him as a person. The fact that you and others twist that into a power and control issue is simply sick. It's proof that you are being led in the wrong direction by a bunch of women who are even more confused and angry than you are during this time in their lives.

This is your moment to shine. To show your husband the kind of caring and compassionate person you are. To just for once, sit aside your own self-interest and put his needs first when he needs you the very most and let the chips fall where they might. This is your opportunity to shake off all the fear and take a leap of faith. You're stronger than you ever thought you were. The person you love needs you now more than ever. We don't get any guarantees in life, all we get are opportunities to do the right thing. This is yours.