I am a cisgender 60 year old woman. I learned 2 years ago that my husband has had TG thoughts most of his life. We've been married for 32 years and have raised two children. I've been on a roller coaster of emotion ever since the "reveal." I would love to hear anyone who can speak to the TG person not transitioning and yet still being able to be real and authentic to the fluidity. I'm trying to believe it for my own sanity too! Maybe I'm just still in denial, but I hope it's possible.

What has your husband been doing for the past 2 years since you found out? Does he go to therapy? (If so, what does his therapist think?) Does he express his feminine side in any way (publicly or privately)? Has his thoughts and feeling evolved at all in the 2 years you've known?

I am starting to wonder that if there ARE happy non-transitioners, that they don't come to and post at sites like this :(

My husband just recently told me that he is transgender. He does not want to change anything in life at this moment. He says as long as he was able to share his secret with me he is ok and does not feel guilty anymore about hiding things and lying. He says transition is not even a question right now. He cannot disrupt the family (we have 2 very young children) so I guess l will know more as time goes on but for right now I would to believe that it's possible for someone to be happy without transitioning.

I hope you are right zindagi I'm in the same situation.

Obviously my situation is quite a bit different my fiance is ftm and has not evn decided to fully change pronouns . i can tell she wants to be refered to as he and go threw the complete change. But i think she hasnt for me. Evn tho she would nvr say that. I feel bad for taking that away from her but i think she just knows i need time to transition with her too. I think we are still vry happy. Maybe ur spouse just is waiting for that clairifying moment where he know u r all ready for the transition. Somtimes the most selfless acts can seem the most selfish .

My partner is telling me now that he's decided not to transition, but I don't know what this means. He says that it's just a sacrifice he'll make for our relationship, but I don't know if I believe him.

I feel like I'm being tugged back and forth and it is incredibly painful.

Hi, I've just joined here. I would like to know the same. At the moment he says has no intention to transition. The thought hasn't even occurred to him until recently when he's been speaking to a gender therapist. I also feel I may be holding him back from what he really wants. Maybe I just don't believe him when he says he will not do it - he doesn't even want to cross dress outwardly. Happy to present a bit androgynous though, and doesn't mind wearing a bit of make up in public (and false breasts, but when he does that, he wears a loose top, so it's not obvious. Says it makes him feel empowered). I hope hope hope he never changes his mind but am so scared. I just don't want any of this, I never did.

Syl

Gallinarosa:"I am starting to wonder that if there ARE happy non-transitioners, that they don't come to and post at sites like this :("

I wonder if there is something in that. My guy just wouldn't post on a forum about any of this - he is a very private person and absolutely does NOT want to be part of any TG community or 'sisterhood'. Maybe part of the transitioning process is wanting to be 'out and proud'and sharing with others in the same position. Who knows. Maybe clutching at straws again?

I laughed when I reread this post and all the comments. We are the blind leading the blind. We all have the same question and no answer. And it really is the million-dollar question.

Over on Susans.org, sometimes a non-transitioning trans person will ask the question as well. It seems everyone who is out looking for a community is doing so because the need help with the process, and help is more essential for those transitioning. But usually a few non-transitioners will poke their heads out to say they are there, toiling away with gender dysphoria quietly.

Our therapist is very open about "transitioning" being a wide spectrum and every person's needs are different. In her definition, any acknowledgement of or dealing with or facing of a gender variance is part of transitioning. However you define it, I believe her that different people will find the right balance at different places on that spectrum. But I also believe that the process of self discovery uncovers things that even the TG spouses were not aware of themselves. So we wait I guess, and along the way, the trans spouse needs to look inside and decide when they are okay, when they need more, when they have enough. And the CIS spouse needs to analyze what they are comfortable with, how their relationship is evolving, and how their own self-identity is evolving, and if it is still a healthy relationship for both parties.

Since I originally wrote this post, my relationship has gotten much stronger. My spouse has dipped their toe into the water for some very minor things. None are visible or permanent. We are the only ones who know about those changes. They make my spouse happy and they don't bother me. But I never know if they are leading to more and more and more. It is an uncertainty we live with. It sucks. But I guess it doesn't suck as much as our relationship did when he was miserable and mean and I had no idea why. So we deal.

I hope people come back here and post updates. Good luck, all!

Hi again, yes, we are the blind leading the blind. Yesterday he shared his questionnaire that he got from the online gender clinic he's had counselling with - reminding me that that was then ( 3 months ago), before I knew what was going on , and before we'd *really* talked, and before he'd had any counselling. It was a shock. He said far more on there than he had to me - and it seems his feelings go further and deeper than I thought. I've been crying ever since. It was very brave of him to let me see it, as it's supposed to be confidential, and I appreciate it. Am I glad? In some ways, yes, as it means he is being more open than he has ever been, and obviously I have a deeper understanding (can no longer hope/wish it's a phase, or some other issue being masked by gender dysphoria), but am also devastated. He has been called 'madam' when out, and he liked it. Being called 'sir' makes him deeply unhappy. He wants to be referred to in counselling by his femme name. He also admitted that he is probably a bit bisexual - and I also think I am slightly - maybe bi-curious, but that doesn't mean I want to have a relationship with a woman. He is away now for 6 days, so I am left floundering. I have a phone counselling session this morning with the same clinic he is with. I am actually dreading it :(

Syl

Syl,

My thoughts are with you for your call this morning. You will need to start taking control of the pace in order to keep your sanity. If you need to know things, tell him. If you need time to process what you have, let him know to keep new info to himself while you catch your breath and then be sure to tell him when you have and you are ready to move on. There might be a constant tug-of-war. You'll want to know more because not knowing is so scary, but other times you will need a break from knowing and thinking about it as it will seem like too much to digest. Try not to get too overwhelmed (you will anyway). If him being away allows your mind to wander to dark places, call or text him to remind yourself who he is to you.

I have seen old things my husband has written and some of it is pretty extreme and doesn't sound like what he tells me. We have had many conversations about that and he tells me that it changes over time and sometimes comes in waves. So something he thought and wrote at one moment in time may not reflect his over opinion or his opinion today. I had a hard time believing it. All I could obsess over was that he had written, "I am THIS close to transitioning." But I have to take his word for it, or really, what kind of relationship do we have that I am working so hard to preserve?

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

Hi GR. Yes, he says the same - that the way he feels about it changes. And has changed a lot since he filled in the questionnaire. At the time, he says he wasn't really thinking about me, only himself. He now says he won't use the fem name any more - he says she is not him, just an identity he used for gender therapy purposes. What has also changed since then is that he is 100% certain he doesn't want to transition. He likes the happy medium. I also found out today that all his clothes are women's clothes! I didn't even know, as they are so unisex. I don't like any of his clothes, I think they just look a bit odd on a man of his age. Maybe I should take him shopping. I'll post about the counseling on a new thread.

Syl