Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
A bit of a recap: In late October, my spouse and I got into a fight and I was having such a terrible time sleeping, I asked him to leave the house. During that time, I happen to meet a guy that I surprisingly had tons of sexual attraction for. I thought the anti-depressants had killed my sex drive but apparently not so! I also went to Paris with a friend at the beginning of November and I had a great time! Anywho....
So, we had plans to visit my family for Thanksgiving and I asked my spouse not to come. Over the past year or so, whenever we have met with my family, I've been terribly stressed. So, I figure now was a really good time to spend some time with my family without him. On the drive home from the airport, my Dad picked me up and asked me about the situation. I had told my Mom the full details previously and I figured she would probably tell my Dad. I told my Dad want had been going on and my Dad just listened to me as I rambled. Listening to myself, I felt like I sounded crazy. But thankfully my Dad just quietly listened. My Dad told me he couldn't tell me what to do, but he had two comments that stuck out in my mind. First, that some problems aren't mine to solve. I feel there's a lot of truth in that. Secondly, he told me about friend who worked with someone who transitioned later in life, and this person had a wife and kids. My Mom had referenced this person as well, saying that they had stayed together for the kids. When my Dad told the story, apparently his friend said that the person who transitioned was pretty naricisstic and emotionally manipluated their wife to stay in the marriage. What the truth is, I don't know, but I thought it was rather interesting considering that we have talked about naricisstic behavior on this message board.
So, when I got back from Thanksgiving, my spouse was back at the apartment, and he didn't leave. He complained about being "homeless" and didn't want to burden his friends. I thought this would make him get his own apartment, but I guess not. He did not ask me if it would be ok to come back so I figured that the next time I ask him to leave, it should be permanently.
At my next therapy appointment, I told my therapist that I wanted a divorce. You know, and funny enough, after I told her, I slept really well! In fact, while my sleep hasn't been perfect, I have felt a marked difference in my sleep since I spoke to her. I think my spouse could tell something was up with me, so last weekend, I told him that I didn't want kids with him anymore and we didn't have a sex life, so I didn't think we had a marriage.
He was upset because he thought things were going well. I was like, "well, we didn't talk about you coming back to the apartment, so..." So, I don't know, he's still wrapping his head around it. I think he thinks it can be fixed at this point, but I feel pretty done at this point. I love my spouse so much, but my needs aren't being met in this relationship. Both this gender stuff and his reluctance to do IVF, is too much for me. I want a significant other is who comfortable in their gender, would be excited about having kids with me and who has a better grip on their emotions.
I looked into a few things---for healthcare, I could do COBRA or Obamacare. I have one name for a divorce lawyer, but I know I should shop around a little. I feel a bit overwhelmed because I'm going to have to do the work of this divorce, but I do feel like I have the bandwidth now to deal with it, unlike before where I could not.
Some days I feel really confident and other days I feel really insecure. I feel scared about the future, but I also feel excited.
I set a goal for myself in 2019--I play the piano and I'm going to perform somewhere in the city just to prove that I can. ^_^
My question now is can it be treated? I don't know. General wisdom says NPD is untreatable and to run far away if you are in a relationship with one. But some people think it may be treatable. They even talk about interventions. If it was learned due to circumstance, couldn't it be unlearned?
Sounds like a tall order though. It nearly paralyzes me with fright and anxiety just thinking about it. But I have two kids and over 20 years of history and entanglements and color my situation differently.
Mostly I wanted to say that the narcissism is probably not imagined or exaggerated. And living with that for years and years will either destroy or nearly destroy you. It will destroy your confidence and self esteem. It will destroy your ability to make decisions and recognize your own wants and needs. It will destroy your joy you get from many things. Unless it was resolved right away, the years together, if you had stayed, would only make things worse.
I can't wait until you get that music gig!
I don't like seeing myself as a victim either, but I think it's important to remember that abuse can happen to anyone. I was looking up information an emotional abuse recently and it was saying that abuse like that comes from a very insecure place. It made a lot of sense to me because obviously my spouse is feeling scared and insecure right now.
I'm not sure if NPD can be treated or not, but one of the things my old therapist used to say to me is that she wasn't sure my spouse was capable of communicating with me on an emotional level. And sometimes I imagine what it would look like for my partner to treat me in a respectful, communicative way. Like, recently, my spouse has been like, "Why haven't you been mediating? Why haven't you been doing yoga?" And I feel like that's the wrong question my spouse should be asking. As if as long as I do yoga, our relationship will be ok. Well, that's not what I need. I need *him* to be more thoughtful and respectful and as time goes on, it's becoming more clear that he just might not be capable of it.
Several months back I was finally able to see that even when he seemed to be doing or asking something about me, it was actually always from the perspective of being about him. Even if he insists the opposite. I don't think he can see it and really believes he is doing or asking for my sake. Like the yoga question. Your spouse didn't ask out of real concern for your well-being, it was because they thought the yoga might have some beneficial effect on the relationship and ultimately them.
And once you see those motives clearly, you can't NOT see them.
The one good thing about opening my eyes to NP traits and being a victim of emotional abuse is that it makes things clearer and allows me to focus better on what I am up against and how to overcome it instead of just feeling icky in a nondescript way.
Just remember that there are people out there that are capable of loving in a pure way, who will see and appreciate YOU. And you deserve that.
<3