Hi Dee Marie, and welcome. Sorry to hear you're so sad. It sounds like you are way ahead of the rest of us. Has Carly fully transitioned? I completely understand how you feel. I love my man, I don't want to love a woman (he'd be a bloody ugly one, anyway!). I'm not sure if the uncertainty is any better or not. In a way, while it's still 'limbo' I guess I still feel there is a chance he can stop it, or realise he was mistaken, but I'm sure I'm living in cloud cuckoo land.
Are you still together as a couple? I hope you can find a way through all this either with or without her. I totally understand your pain.
Much love
Syl

Hi DeeMarie, maybe part of supporting Carly will just be not tearing her down, and maybe to do that, you need some space and distance. It is like in an airplane emergency. You are supposed to get your own oxygen mask on before you try to help others with theirs. Also, don't hold yourself to any expectations you had of how you'd react once it became a reality. There is no way to know for sure how it would hit you and how hard it would hit. Accept where you are now and take care of yourself before you try to support Carly. It is okay to be sad, to grieve, and to attend to yourself. That does not lessen the love you had and still have for you husband. Many virtual hugs as you get through this. We are all here for you!

Hi DeeMarie, maybe part of supporting Carly will just be not tearing her down, and maybe to do that, you need some space and distance. It is like in an airplane emergency. You are supposed to get your own oxygen mask on before you try to help others with theirs. Also, don't hold yourself to any expectations you had of how you'd react once it became a reality. There is no way to know for sure how it would hit you and how hard it would hit. Accept where you are now and take care of yourself before you try to support Carly. It is okay to be sad, to grieve, and to attend to yourself. That does not lessen the love you had and still have for you husband. Many virtual hugs as you get through this. We are all here for you!

Thank you both. Yes, No matter what I will have love for this person. My husband is looking into his transitioning options. He got the okay from both his therapists. We actually are giving each other space. Carly will be moving into our 2nd bedroom. She will have her own space. I'm happy for her and will continue to support her. I'm just still sad about losing the person I married. He is unlike anyone I have ever met and is definitely my better half.

Hi DeeMarie, maybe part of supporting Carly will just be not tearing her down, and maybe to do that, you need some space and distance. It is like in an airplane emergency. You are supposed to get your own oxygen mask on before you try to help others with theirs. Also, don't hold yourself to any expectations you had of how you'd react once it became a reality. There is no way to know for sure how it would hit you and how hard it would hit. Accept where you are now and take care of yourself before you try to support Carly. It is okay to be sad, to grieve, and to attend to yourself. That does not lessen the love you had and still have for you husband. Many virtual hugs as you get through this. We are all here for you!

Hi DeeMarie, I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I was in that same position, and you hear many people on here say that we feel as though our spouse is slowly dying and being replaced by a stranger. You are grieving and experiencing loss. The loss of your husband, your marriage (because even if you stay together the marriage you had is gone and being replaced with a new dynamic), and the future you envisioned for the 2 of you. It is okay to be sad about that. It is more than ok.

However, being sad and being in limbo are not the same. In many ways, the ball is in your court. It sounds as if he has made his decision, and now you get to make yours. So, daydream a little. What kind of life do you want for yourself? What kind of future? Does Carly fit into it? Do you think you could ever be attracted to the woman your husband is becoming? If not, are you okay with having a marriage that is just more like a close friendship or a partnership but not necessarily a love/physical relationship? These are questions only you can answer, and as long as you are being honest with yourself, there is no wrong answer.

I know those are hard questions, but you both deserve happiness. Regardless of what you decide, it will be hard because change usually is. However, whether you decide to leave and start over or stay and start a "new" marriage, there will be challenges and obstacles, but there is joy and peace on the other side. The sadness you feel now won't always be there.

Good luck to you.

We are still in a relationship, but my husband will be moving into our 2nd bedroom. It was a joint decision. It's to help Carly have her own space and she can decorate it anyway she likes. It's also to help me think about what I want and to give me some space. I truly know I will get through this, but change is hard and can take a lot of time. Especially, when it involves your favorite person in the world. Thank you for all your replies. Having others to talk to definitely does help.

Welcome to our unfortunate club. We are glad you are here and sad at the same time. This isn't a group anyone would want to be a part of. But now that you are here, welcome and please know that this is a great group of woman. We are honest, supporting and loving toward one another. We are all dealing with the sadness and grief of losing the men we love, the questions of where we fit in the new relationship, (are we lesbians), and the grief of losing our dreams. I think that needs to be said as well., especially for the young women. The dreams of having children, and the house, and parenting together. Those are equally important. For several of us, this weird ride is happening right as our retirement is about to begin. We are dealing with the fear of being alone in our golden years, losing the man's income if we choose to leave, grieving the loss of quiet walks on the beach with the man we love, reliving our younger years and the joys we raising a family. There is nothing "golden" about this situation, especially when you're older. This transgendered thing is just a quagmire of uncertainty, loneliness and confusion. But, we all love our spouses, it's just what are we willing to give up for them, what are we willing to sacrifice for them, what are we willing to live with for them, what are the limits? Sadly, no one knows until you're there. There are so many ways to love a person. We need to love ourselves enough to say no once in a while. Love does not mean acquiescing all the time. One thing we can never get back in life is time. Time is precious.

As all my friends have sad before - virtual hugs. Squeezes of support across the miles. Know you are in our thoughts and please keep us posted so we can lift you up, answer questions, and just be the listening ear of a friend.