Spouses of Transgender Community Group

Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...

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I miss the little things..

20yearinthedark
20yearinthedark

I am not ready to tell my whole story yet, but here are some of the little things I miss.  I miss being able to talk about my husband with the girls at work, the small funny annoying things they do like leave the seat up, or not taking out the trash. It is so trivial now.   I miss seeing a romantic couple and feeling happy aboout it. I miss being able to look men in the eye, now I feel small,ugly and unfeminine and like everyone sees it. I miiss being able to watch tv or a movie without something comng on that reminds me of the lie that I am living-Caitlyn Jenner,Transparent etc. I miss feeling any control or security. I miss my past, now that I know it was all a fantasy in my head. I miss feeling sexy. I miss having a Man want me. I miss being honest with my sister, I have never been one to keep things to myself, now since my husband is not out- and says he never will be-I have not told anyone what is really wrong with me for the past 5 years until this moment. I miss the old me- the Before. I miss trusting people. I miss my husband.     Thank you all so much for being here. I have been made to feel like I am crazy for being upset about this and you all have shown me that my feelings are not crazy or invalid. We are all sharing the same horror. Our spouses have dismantled not just our present but our whole past and our very identity and they dont just want us to accept it, we are supposed to like it, pretend it turns us on so that we can be a prop in their role playing fantasy.  Thank you for listening.

birdie23
birdie23
I miss all these things as well. And every single thing you have said is spot on...from the missed things to having our feelings dismissed. I feel like less of a person because of him. Less of a person. That's the only way I can describe it.
We're here. We gotcha.
You aren't crazy. You're the rational sane one!
AthenaDogani
AthenaDogani
This is exactly how I feel too.... :-(
Jaxabelle12
Jaxabelle12
Very well said! We feel it too. Thank you for sharing. We are here for each other!
lupinrose
lupinrose
So very true in everything you have said. So much like so many of us feel. In 2 days it will be 20 years with my husband although he left me as my husband almost 15 years ago. I have in those years learned to not be his prop in our home...but I am his camouflage for all here in this small town we live in. I gave up a lot...but still I stay??? I just found this beautiful group of people as I thought I was alone in the world. I can't tell my sister although I talk to he most every day. I have noticed that through the years I have become a hermit in my own home...I don't want outsiders in as maybe they would know or find out. My counselor told me to tell someone...a friend...I did and only because she lives very far away...she just feels so sorry for me. Talked to my husbands doctor and he told me to just go have affairs??? That is not an answer for me either. 20 years of marriage and every day I want to leave. At 63 that can be a very scary thought too. You all give me hope for another day and hope that I am not alone. I treasure that we are here for each other, as the day and night doesn't seem so alone and crazy
Jaxabelle12
Jaxabelle12
I'm so sad to hear this situation you are in lupinrose. Can't you tell your sister? What would happen if you did? He has completely isolated you and that's just not fair.....I don't care what age you are! You deserve to be able to enjoy life. You are so very strong to have made it this far. Keep coming back to us! We all need each other!!
AthenaDogani
AthenaDogani
I'm so sorry Lupinrose... I know how you feel to an extent. I haven't been able to tell my brothers and it's killing me. We are a close family and now my husband has created a wall between my family and I, and it pisses me off. I've likened this to a hostage situation.... it's like they were in a basement chained to a radiator, lured us into the basement and then shackled us while setting themselves free.... to prance around like fairies!! Now we have taken on their secret... a secret we never asked to keep. I'm angry at my husband for that. I told him that he entered this marriage with that secret and that struggle and then just dumped it on me... and now wants me to process and accept this all at once. He had 40 years to deal with this.... Why do I have to just accept it now? It's messed up. I can't believe you have stayed so long. Part of me admires your commitment and another part of me is terrified... is this my future? I think I'd rather live alone than live a whole life of this nightmare. For now I stay for my kids and the hope that he might chose us instead of his selfishness.
MovingOn
MovingOn
Athena, don't relinquish your power to your husband.

Break down the wall separating you from your family.

If not, a family member, tell someone. Confide in someone.

I stayed partly for my son. Now, I'm having to try to recondition my son's behavior (losing his temper, shouting, lack of respect for me) based on patterns of his father, who has since gone.
StrongerToday
StrongerToday
Yes. Tell someone who will support you in real like who won't bring harm to your husband. I completely agree. The silence/secret is it's own prison. As your poem said, they have no right to lock us in their closets. We have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. I just thonk our intentions have to be pure...to help ourselves, not to bring shame or embarrassment to them, but we are not obligated to bear their secret alone.