Spouses of Transgender Community Group

Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...

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jrabbit2 09/24/2019

I’ve been with my boyfriend for quite some time, we’re not engaged yet but we have talked about getting married. Way back when we first met he told me he was bisexual. I was fine with this. Now so far in, he tells me he wants to start taking hormones and wants breasts. He tells me the changes won’t be that much but also can’t guarantee that one he starts he’ll be able to stop and won’t want more changes. He asks consatatly if I’ll still love him and when I hesitate he says his love for me is unconditional. This makes me feel horrible because I love him so much. I don’t think he understands that he is changing our relationship completely. He’s always liked to cross dress in the bedroom but now he wants us to go out on dates with him dressed as a woman. He wants us to get fitted for bras together and buy skinny jeans together. Im so conflicted. I want our relationship to go back to how it was. I don’t want a girlfriend to go shopping with. I want a man. I’ve read many posts on here and it has helped knowing that I’m not alone in going through this. I just needed to get this all out.

Ldmessing 09/25/2019

the changes WILL be that much. don't believe what he is telling you, we have been there. Once this gets set into motion, there is no stopping it.

gallinarosa 09/25/2019

You need to ask yourself now if you can live with the possibility of him transitioning. Whether or not he does, the threat is always there. It will not go away. Even if he says so. He can't know. He can't make promises like that. Nor would you want him to.

If you have read my posts you might already know that the "unconditional love" line PISSES ME OFF. There is a huge difference between love as attachment and pure love. The first is about being in love with someone. It is more about the feelings of the one in love. Pure love is to love somebody above or outside of yourself. To want to do what is right and good for them. If our TG spouses loved us unconditionally and purely, they would want what is good for us. But that's not what they mean when they say that. What they really want is what's right for THEM.

Glad you found us. Hope this group can provide some solace.

Ldmessing 09/26/2019

This times 100000000 Pure love is to love somebody above or outside of yourself. To want to do what is right and good for them. If our TG spouses loved us unconditionally and purely, they would want what is good for us. But that's not what they mean when they say that. What they really want is what's right for THEM.

I don't believe they are capable of pure unconditional love.

Cora 09/26/2019

I'm so sorry. It's really unfair your partner is putting this on you. Your partner should see you for who you are as a person and that includes your sexuality.

ajk 09/27/2019

Jrabbit2, in my own experience, what is hard to reconcile is the love I have for the person I married versus the wanting to love and support this new person. One of the things I have been coming to terms with, and it sounds like you may be struggling with this, is that it is impossible ( or nearly impossible) for us to fill the 'support' role that is required for our spouses. I have found that the more I accept that I can't be a cheerleader in this and have been more realistic about my needs, the more genuine I can be with the support I can actually give. At this point, that still just means hanging in there, but my low points are starting to get further apart.

The problem I have with the " unconditional love" BS is that I loved absolutely everything about my husband, and now he wants to change absolutely everything about himself. How can I have loved everything about him and be excited to see that all go away? I think the reason this group is a lifeline sometimes is that everyone here understands that the grief is 100% real and is sometimes as immediate and devastating as if our spouses have died.

MuseumMeg 09/29/2019

Would his unconditional love change if you were to reinvent yourself in the same way? It's "easy" enough to say that when you're the one who feels that you are just being your true self and nothing is really different, but it's not that way for the partner who sees everything changing. I've learned that it's OK that the way I love and how much I love can be different from my partner's. Some partners of trans are OK or love being that kind of support while others have a completely different reaction. Your partner needs to find different kinds of support from a group of people. You can't be the end all be all for this.

gallinarosa 09/30/2019

It's easy for them to taut unconditional love when all the conditions at stake, THEY control. What if it was a condition YOU controlled. Would they still love you if you moved out? Stopped having sex with them when they wanted it? Asked for a divorce so you could find someone who fit your sexual orientation? Would they still love you then or is their love conditional too?

InaQuandary 10/02/2019

It's a good point Ajk you made: is that it is impossible ( or nearly impossible) for us to fill the 'support' role that is required for our spouses. I never thought of it that way, out of anyone, I thought I should cheer lead this transition and I'm finding that so incredibly hard to do. I also read somewhere along the way that family and friends take their cue from the wife's reaction. If I can't accept the transition, then I'm setting him up for a tough transition, a ton of rejection? It's so daunting when I think of the social and family relationships, work, society in general, plus the cost. When I visualize how this will transpire, all I see is so much stress, work and money, and for what? The last 5 years have been the most stressful in my entire life already. My spouse will be happy, he gets what he wants. But what do I get, the joy of seeing him happy? I honestly don't think I have the energy at this point, can I say that out loud? How selfish is that?

I agree with you GR, it is easy for them to spout unconditional love, when it's them who have all the control. This is a recurring theme for sure, and a touchy subject too. I'm pretty sure the direction where this is going, so I'll continue to try to navigate my way and hopefully keep my sanity up and my resentment down.

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