to add - he says I should treat him the same, but I should also tell him he looks pretty etc? wtf, I never did that before. He says treat me like a woman, I say I have never been attracted to women, the more feminine you look the less I am attracted to you (yes I have said this to him) and then I say, I have never stroked or cuddled with a woman, he says not "other" women, I want you to do that with me. hello dude, you look and feel feminine, isnt that what you want

again, I simply can not win.

If your married have you looked into a divorce lawyer? Sounds like your not and never will be happy with her.

leaving HIM isn't that simple when you have joint property and children together. if I wanted to leave I would have by now, I am here looking for someone to talk to who can relate to what I am going thru.

but thank for you advice anyway.

I feel your pain. We have been betrayed. They want to change themselves, us and the world with no consequences. .... Part of marriage is to support each other. He is not meeting your needs. ... I don't know. Could you show him the affection you would show a sibling? ... Because I take my vows seriously ... till death do us part... I am struggling with the possibility that I may never have romance again in my life.

I show him affection, but not the way he wants
Hugs, pecks on the cheek or lips

Ld and Hurt - I totally agree with you. I am struggling with the thought of no more romance/intimacy in my life. I am no longer attracted to him with his hairless, soft body and breasts. But I take my wedding vows seriously too - for better or worse - till death we do part. Affection is a hug and a quick kiss. Our relationship is more of a longtime friendship. He has always been my best friend and that is what it will always be. We've been together too long to just leave (36 years). I relate to your struggles, LD. You can talk to me anytime. I'm here for you.

For what it is worth, I took my wedding vows seriously as well, but I am still getting a divorce. I think "better or worse," "in sickness and in health," etc., deal more with circumstances than with choices or actions our partners take. For example, if my husband was physically abusive, should I stay because I made a vow? If my husband was a con man and just married me for my money (which I don't have - just an example) or to gain citizenship and I found out, should I stay married because I made a vow? If my husband married me under false pretenses and took active steps throughout the entire course of our 20+ year marriage to hide the truth, should I stay in a loveless marriage with someone I realize I can't trust and is a stranger to me?

I took my vows seriously. My spouse did not. While I was taking great measures to protect his heart at the expense of my own, he was not doing likewise with mine. Instead, he was protecting his closet. His secret always came before my heart and my well being. Once his secret was out and he had no need for the cover I provided, he tossed me aside like yesterday's trash.

Now, I am left to rebuild my life - with kids in tow. My therapist tells me I have C-PTSD. She did an exhaustive evaluation and the trauma is 100% from the 20+ years of gaslighting and manipulation. It is called Betrayal Trauma. Only now that I am out can I see how bad it was. Now that I am out I can see that even his kind acts had an ulterior motive behind them, and these were done to benefit him - not me. It was never about me. However, during that time, I would have told you that I was happy, and that I had a great life.

I have grieved and processed the loss of my husband and my marriage. I have accepted my spouse's transition. I do not blame her for it. After all, you have to do what you have to do. However, I do blame her for not telling me about this before we were married. And yes, she did know. Also, she didn't just "forget" to mention it. For 20+ years, she made a conscious decision to keep me in the dark. To not tell me. She took active steps to hide clothes, breast forms, etc, from me. In other words, she actively tried to make me believe that I was married to a heterosexual man when I wasn't. She tried to alter my perception of reality, and that is the very definition of gaslighting.

So, I am divorcing. It is hard - really hard. However, the light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter and brighter. My spouse took so much from me - so many hopes, dreams, and plans. I will never have the life long romance I dreamed of. I was so looking forward to growing old with my spouse, and when the time came, welcoming our adult children back home with their families for holidays and visits and enjoying that time together. That will never happen now. I also don't know if I will ever be able to fully love and trust another ever again. I fear I will always feel the need to hold a little something back, and that makes me sad.

Yes, I took my wedding vows seriously. I just wish my spouse had as well.

AL1120, that wasn't very helpful. I think most of us here are trying to find a way to make our relationships work, and those who are divorcing (see newstart above) are doing so with a very heavy heart, when there is no way to go. Nothing left to save, often due the the other spouse's utterly selfish behaviour, and in newstart's case, abuse and gaslighting and terrible betrayal.

I love my partner. I love him whether he's male, female, genderless, green, purple or with tentacles. It doesn't mean it's easy and I can just accept the changes he is making (and in spite of what many people say, transitioning is, ultimately, a CHOICE, not like a disfiguring accident or something like that).

We are not married, so have no vows to keep, but what we do have is a very strong commitment to each other and our children. We both want to stay together at all costs. What most of us want and need from this forum, is understanding, somewhere to vent (and yes sometimes we are unreasonable and insulting and say things we'd never say in the 'real' world) and somewhere safe where we know others will understand.

And those of us who still use male pronouns for our spouses usually do so because our spouses haven't changed their names/pronouns themselves. My man (yes, my man) doesn't want to change his name, and is quite happy to be a 'he', as long as he has the female connection and feeling inside. He doesn't need the social aspect for now.

Ladies thank you so much for your input, again it helps that I know I am not alone. Don't be too hard on Al1120, I gave her advice that I would have gladly heeded myself in her shoes 30 years ago. Had I known at that age, before children, I would have left the marriage. I firmly stand behind that advice still, but that is not my place in life now, so that is not an option for me. My advice given to her was out of my own experience.

And yes, my husband uses male pronouns too

My spouse has said that he is upset that we don't have sex anymore. I'm like, too bad man LOL.

Ldmessing, I'm guessing your spouse wants to remain married too? It sounds like you guys really need to sit down and rewrite the rules of your marriage.

"too bad man" lol
yes he wants to stay married

It doesn't feel as if there is any winning, only losing. It's heartbreaking for us all.

Sylph i wasnt trying to be mean. Isnt it better to get out of a relationship when one or both isnt happy in it? I get vows are important, i am married too and have been with my spouse for 10yrs, but isnt your happiness and theirs more important than resenting each other for not being aloud to be yourselves?
Ldmessing im sorry if i offended you or upset you. That wasnt my intention.

Reading things and hearing them in person, they come off differently. To me it seems like your not happy with who your partner is transforming to and thats ok. You both deserve to be happy whether thats together, apart, or as friends. You can still love each other in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, till death do you part as friends and also have relationships that better suit you at this stage in your life.

This is and should be a safe place and I'm sorry if i made anyone feel otherwise. Its my personal opinion and no one has to agree with me but i have just as much of a right to my opinions as everyone else. Id rather a discussion than be attacked, although again i could've read it wrong. Idk
sorry everyone

It's ok ALL1120, I think I come off as too abrasive sometimes. I've probably offended some people. ^_^;; Apologies given and accepted are always good.