Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
My husband has been struggling with gender identity since the summer. He finally told me about it in November. This has been crushing for me to say the least. He even began taking female hormone-like supplements he ordered online and has been using a breast enlargement suction cup to try to grow breasts. He has bought his own bras, make-up and women's shoes and clothing. He said he feels very calm and comfortable when being a woman. This has blown my mind. I love him and I try to be supportive of him, but I cry when I am alone for the life we planned on having together when we married. I miss the man he once was. I also found out he is sexually attracted to males and females. Last night, for Valentine's day my husband asked for a make-over. He was dressed as a woman when I got home from work. So, I did and he absolutely loved the way he looked. Then he tried to kiss me and he wanted to be intimate and I just couldn't do it. I told him I am not attracted to women. It was way too much for me! I feel like this is not what I signed up for.
This morning he told me he is over wanting to be a woman. He said that he felt accepted when my daughter and I were supportive of him and hasn't had the urge to dress like a woman today at all. I'm not buying it. In January, he told me he did not want to dress like a woman or be a woman anymore. Things were great for a couple of weeks and then he was back to drinking and dressing like a woman. This is too much of a rollercoaster for me. I know he is afraid of losing me, but I don't want him to hide this and a few weeks, months, or years later it crops up again. I told him we would always be best friends and a part of each other's lives if he transtitions, but I don't think I can be married to a woman. I am not attracted to women. I wouldn't be able to have a sexual relationship with him/her and he really wants that still.
I am having a difficult time believing that what he has been struggling with and giving a lot of energy and attention to is gone just like that.
Sorry for venting a little! Just trust your gut...If it was real feelings it will come back.
You are on a roller coaster, one you do not have control of at the moment! The gender confusion is a roller coaster for the one going through it too, but they are the ones making the choices, and the spouse often doesn't know what the deal will be from one day to the next.
My experience was once my husband started dressing female and enlarging his breasts, that was pretty much it. He wanted to live as a female. We did go through some back and forth about staying together or separating. Ultimately, I had to figure out what I wanted out of marriage. I started to realize for the most part my needs did not exist in the marriage. My husband was treating me badly. He was so absorbed in his pain, confusion, and desires, I barely existed to him except to lash out at. My job was to make his life easier, and when I wasn't doing that right, he'd get angry with me and act out. What I needed did not matter at all to him. There was no longer friendship, cooperation and sex had died years earlier. We were both miserable. There was no reason to stay except that it was financially easier.
At first he resisted the idea of divorce. I finally had had enough and found the strength to ask for a divorce. I told him that I could be his friend, but not his wife. It has been a year since he moved out. The roller coaster of emotions is still there. Smaller peaks and valleys and the bad stuff does not come along near as often. I am still emotionally fragile and have a lot of self esteem and confidence I am trying to rebuild, but I am doing much better than I was a year ago and my ex seems to be doing better as well.
Ignore all the Facebook status stuff. It is a form of manipulation on his part and the smallest things posted or liked can make you crazy. Stay away from it as much as possible. Be careful about going out with someone new at this stage, you have a lot of emotional confusion to work out because of the trauma your husband has put you through. And make no mistake about it, when a spouse comes out as transgendered it is a traumatic experience. You have healing to do. I don't recommend dating right away. I do recommend gathering your friends around you, and building a strong support network. Do go do things, movies, hiking, eating out, sitting around having coffee and chatting, (whatever it is you like to do) with your friends. You need to know that you can build a life without your husband. I know it is really hard.
You can make it through this!
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