Hello,
I just joined this site, and this group, today.

Thanksgiving was, um, interesting. My 8 year-old-daughter has been at her bio dad’s since Wednesday so it was just myself, my husband, and our 15-year-old son (who is also trans). My husband went all-out with the cross-dressing, or whatever I should call it. I loaned him a dress, he wore the wedge heels a friend gave him, he painted his toenails, and I did his makeup. He also got rid of the majority of his body hair - the bathtub looked like someone skinned a bear in there hehe! Neither one of us are prepared to answer questions from our youngest about this yet, so he hasn’t done it in front of her. He also did a lot of talking about what surgeries he would want to get if he transitioned - let’s just say we’d need to win the lottery. I used a MtF friend of ours as an example in pointing out that he doesn’t necessarily need to have all the surgery he wants in order to fully transition into living as a woman. Hell, there are several surgeries I would like to have to feel like a “better” woman! Anywho, I ended up going to bed after a couple hours because I was literally sick to my stomach. That’s not to mean he disgusted me or anything…I’m just…not at all attracted to him when he takes on a feminine appearance. It’s a huge adjustment for me. Even if he did decide to transition, I wouldn’t stop loving him and I wouldn’t divorce him for that reason…but our intimate life would definitely change. I'm not sure how to tell him this without making him feel ashamed/embarrassed for being who he truly is. I want to be supportive.

Athena, did your husband dress while you were visiting with family? If so, how did your family respond? I may be confused, but i thought no one knew about your circumstances. Hi, Ima.

ST, he wore glittery nail polish and skinny jeans, I think nylons under them, to Thanksgiving. One of my cousins knows, she saw his polish a couple weeks ago at a bday party. Now my aunt is wondering what is going on... it's a mess really. Basically he is pushing us out of the closet. My family is kind and did not say anything in order to avoid embarrassment, but I have been approached to talk to them individually. Basically, he has opened a can of worms.

Hi Ima, welcome to our little group. I hope you find some relief and can find like minded people here. We are all in different stages of all this and all I can say is that it's a rollercoaster. From the sound of it, you are in the early stages of all this... it gets very interesting and if you need a place to come for support, we are here. Just FYI, it's not always busy, but leave your post and wait... someone will answer. A lot of us are living it right now, so it's difficult to talk about it, even here... we are get busy putting out fires in our own lives. Anyway, have a look around and feel free to post. Good luck my friend.

Hello, new here my name is Alicia, my husband of 7 years and my high school sweetheart has officially told me tonight via text that he thinks like a man but feels like a woman. He hasn't said much but a few words. He says he feels oppressed in his body, and he finds himself comparing himself to mother women. For years he has been shaving his legs and all the hair on his body, painting his toes, wearing women's clothing and underwear and lost a lot of weight. And in the bedroom he has always I guess I have been in total denial. I dont know how to feel. We moved 1300 miles away from family for his job. We have two young children. He doesn't want to talk to a therapist with me or at all. Any help or support would be appreciated. Thank you all

Can you move home? If so, do it. You will come to hate your life immediately if you haven't already. My advice is to be as kind as possible while walking away from the chaos. I'm sure you love him. The man you think you love is not there. Take some time. Look boldly into all the lies you've told yourself. Begin to accept that the life you thought you lived does not exist. Love your children. Put them first at every turn. Make them your second priority, only second to yourself. Your husband will lie to and use you. That is what they do. This is the creepiest disease. Get away or hold on. I keep calling this a disease. I don't really believe it is but thats the PC thing to say. I think it's far more evil than that. Society will tell you to stay and support. I say take care of yourself first. Tell yourself the truth. If your relationship hasn't always been selfish and one sided, it's about to become that way. Don't waste your time trying to figure out how he got this way...probably childhood trauma. That seems to be our common thread. It doesn't matter. If he won't get trauma therapy and you decide to stay your in for one hell of a ride. Do listen to anyone who doesn't put your needs first bc they will not be living the hell you will. It's hard to see what I've written on my phone, so hopefully I'm not repeating myself. Tell a loving family member who is level headed and will support you. Get a counselor if you have to stay there, but if not, just find a support system and get away from it. Whatever drama you've experienced to date is just a drop in the bucket. Wish i had better news. Btw, apparently, from what I've read, if you embrace this and run with it and go along with all the lies, it works out for some people, that is just not my personality. So if what I'm saying doesn't fit there's all kinds of guidance online about how to go along with this. I'm just not the one.

Athena, wow, that happened quickly, nut then it always seems to. So much for his decision to put this away. Sorry you went through that. Ours thanksgiving was wonderful bc he has outwardly put this all away. The blow out came today. He's trying. I don't think it's a good idea, if he's not going to get trauma therapy, bc he cannot healthily suppress this. It goes deeper with him than i thought and his temper and harshness has been higher lately. Since I'm tired of putting up with anything, we just fight. Seriously no need for two people to stay and be mean to one another. We had a long talk this evening. Nothing makes this better for me. Im not ever going to be ok with it and I'm never going to go along with it or even look the other way. So, imo, our relationship is ruined, but he still wants to stay together and push through this. Presently, we're considering a marriage counselor, bc our individual counselors are not helping our marriage. We will see what comes of that.

I was told once to never tell people you're sorry they had to go through something bc it revictimizes them. I have wrestled that guidance for many years. I guess where i land is that I'm not really sorry any of us are going through this, but i am sad for you/with you that you are hurting. The fact that we have come to this juncture in our lives, indicates to me that there is something we need to see, learn, grow from...a hurdle we need to jump...a river we need to float through to get to the other side, but i really believe that everyone of us is strong enough to make it to the other side.

Thank you for the reply. He travels for work and hasn't been home to really talk about this and to get into detail. I have until Monday night to pull myself together and figure out how I'm going to handle this. I can't go back home, I'm pretty sure its against the law to take the kids that far...nor do I want to. I dont want to see this end, we've been through hell and back and now this... I just dont know what to think. I'm still trying to tell myself maybe he's just confused. I just dont know if he'd rather live this new life even if it meant giving us all up. I already miss him. I dont want this to be true, it feels like a nightmare. Its not fair the way he comes at me like if I am not understanding then he will not talk about it. Its manipulative and I think I need help:(

Yes. Get a counselor. Sadly there's no good answer. My husband lived this way a ling time before me and has assured me that all of these men are having sex with other men. He just told me yesterday to ask the women here how many of their husbands travel for work. That's when/where it happens. He was married for 11 years to another woman and lived a double life most of it. His claim to fame with me is that he is not doing that but even though we spent about 16 hours a day together it would still be possible if he wanted to dupe me. They go to bookstores on lunch. They visit glory holes every where. He's taken me places n shown me how it's done. He was an over the road truck driver. They're all gay over the road. He used to get propositioned all the time, even when i was with him if they didnt see me first. Theyre all married n lie to their wives. He took me to the channels they talk on. Ladies, i know my experience is only one but my husband has been incredibly honest with me about what it's about for these men and what it was for him. They cheat, they lie, they meat their own needs at all times and in ways most of us can't imagine. They choose us bc we're straight and ignorant. Don't be ignorant. It feels good for a while but it won't in the end. When we realize we've given up our whole lives for them and theyve lived two while ours was stolen. One time we were at a bar n i kept sensing something wasnt right with our bar tender so i asked. They used to hook up at the bookstore next door. It's really really just too much for us to imagine in the beginning but it's way worse than your worst imagination. I keep telling him that most of these ladies don't think their husbands are messing around with men and everytime he replies...THEN THEY ARE FOOLS. Also after he started telling me all this about the double live men live and use their wives as covers for them, about 6 years ago, i started paying attention to tv. I've watched no less than 5-8 episodes of various law and order episodes that has various scenarios of this as the central story. If it's so common theyre doing this many episodes on it, it is incredibly common, which is what he has assurred me. Men are sexual creatures and the will find untold ways to self please. They fanticize about the unfathomable to most of us. It's a really sad world we are living in, without regard for God or a way that is right or true, then anything goes, and like you said if you don't go along with him on it, he'll just stop telling you. I hope we all can get away quickly and sanely without losing sight of normalcy and our own values.

Secrets are not healthy.

Because I told no one for years and years about my husband's gender and sexuality confusion, there was no one to question my action or inaction.

I knew that I could not continue my denial if anyone else knew. And I was embarrassed...by my lack of action.

Can I just say how much I HATE SKINNY JEANS?! Especially on my husband....

Were you embarrassed at all Athena? I'm always embarrassed being out in public with him even if he's not really "dressed." I was planning to go get the Christmas tree this weekend and make it a fun event and as "family" centered as we could possibly be. But then I remember, he's wearing those damn jeans and it's an embarrassment to be seen with him in them. And the long, odd colored hair.

I'm more pissed off than embarrassed... mostly because of the disrespect and the defiance. It's a rebellious spirit and it's rude. He doesn't care for me, only for his selfishness. He wears it with pride as if to say, "I'm not conforming to social norms", but in truth he is saying, "You don't matter enough to me, my agenda is more important than you or your family." It's also attention seeking... so I stopped saying anything to him. I'm not going to protect or help his fantasy anymore. I'm not going to be an enabler. If I say anything negative, then I'm just reinforcing his rebellion. He wants to be discovered, otherwise he would be more discrete. So, he has now opened this can of worms and it's all coming out. I am meeting with my aunt tomorrow, she has many questions. I normally would let him answer, but I'm no longer allowing him to define the rules. When he tells people, it takes on a form of, "this is what I'm going to do, and if you don't like it... there is something wrong with YOU," but he doesn't get to do that anymore.

Three good posts. No secrets! Never be embarrassed by another person's behavior. That goes for children too. It is theirs. Let them own it. I'm glad you're talking to your aunt and not letting him define this in his slanted terms. He can tell his story later if he wants to and if they want to hear it. God bless us all..