Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
I am new to this group. I have a gay daughter and a gay son and have always accepted people for who they are, at least when they are honest about their sexual identity. I hold no prejudices against people for their sexual orientation or how they want to live their life. I have been married for 10 years and have been seperated the last 8 months. I realized how much I loved my husband and wanted to make this marriage work. Our communication has always been bad and needed work, we both acknolwedged this. We have opened up about what are needs are and why we loved each other. Something we have never done before. We both have been vulnerable by opening up. Things have been going really well. He visited me this past weekend and it was so good seeing him. He lives in a different state than I do. Before he left to go back to home, he shared something with me, he liked wearing women's panties. I thought, hey, that isnt anything I would be upset over. He then also told me he likes being told what to do. I am not one to tell people what to do and be bossy. I do that enough at work and do not want that in my personal life. I just want to have someone help and be my partner, not tell someone what to do.
He left to go back home and I thought he was just into waering my panties, he did tell me he tries on my shoes, my boots, my dresses, as well as my undergarments. He took many items of mine and never told me, until yesterday when he sent me a picture of him in my lace nightie and panties. He also had a set of silicone breasts inserted. This is a man who has worn a beard for a while and has grown his hair out and has cut it again. I never dreamed he meant he wanted to dress like me, dress in womens wear while housecleaning and around the house and be comfortable in it. Someone who wants to be ordered to do things so he can comply, be submissive. He has chosen a female name and wants me to call him by this name and wants to be dressed that way when we are sleeping together. I am not into a woman sleeping in my bed next to me. I have a real issue with this and with my husband wanting me to accept this. Why did he want to reconcile? Why put me through this at this point? Why just keep his secret and move on? I know I seem selfish but I have been lied to, feel violated by his helping himself to my clothes and letting me pay my clothes and stealing them. How is this ever OK? I feel like someone went through my life and my closets and draws when I was away traveling all the time for work. He always said he put me first but his actions have showed anything but. To send me pictures of him in my clothes pushed me over the edge. I have body shamed me and always thought I was never good enough, never in shape enough and he deserved better. I hate myself for thinking that way about me and him thinking it is OK. How can I be with someone who has lied to me, stolen from me, had only thought about themselves, share this information with me and expect me to keep quiet about it? How can one do that? How can a husband just let everything pour out and think it is OK as my world is falling apart as I knew it? Why want to reconcile? Why put that on me?
I am a strong woman who has overcome a lot of bad things in my life. Was his feminine side attracted to me because of my strength? Because I am indepdent and love being a woman? Why do I keep reading "he is the man I married", he is not the man I married, he has hid this from me and I feel like he is trying to be like me... How can a spouse who identifies with a different gender think it is OK to put all this on their wife, expect their wives to call them a female name while in their femme identity? Especially when they are wearing their wives clothes?
All your feelings are real and valid, but I would recommend that you find a therapist (if you haven't done so already) so that all of these things whirring around inside your head can be given some room to breath so that you can navigate through this. Regardless, you will be supported here.
One question did come to mind as I read through your post - do you think this is a real gender identity thing or a sexual fetish thing?
I would encourage you strongly to put your own needs and wants FIRST before you start o move forward with this. Take care. TR
I don't think its a sexual fetish thing because of the way he is presenting. He also paints his toenails bright pink. He always refused to get basic pedicures with me in years past. He also cant get an erection and hasn't been able to all our marriage. I asked many times if it was psychological and he always said no. He has 2 sisters that are dominant personalities, never married and had children and made it clear that the fathers had no part in their child's lives. His mother was a bit over the top as well and his father died before his teenage years. I am sure his mother treated him like a female and dressed him that way. He says he does not remember much of his childhood. I can now see why. He still hasn't shared much about that. From everything I read, it seems to be gender based. There are many questions I need answers for and will ask him when I have my head together and not so hurt and angry. he wants me to call him a woman's name when he is dressed en femme. This is asking too much of me. He asked if I can help him choose a name and asked if it would be weird for me. He told me once he told me he couldn't put it back so that also leads me to believe it is gender. He obviously was lying to himself when he told me just panties and maybe a night gown. The picture he sent me really shocked me and made me question what it was I was really getting into and if he is being honest with me and himself.
Sounds like he needs therapy too. If you can be open minded and want to see where it goes, there could be a way to make it work. It could be a way that you can envision right now but your feelings may change over time. Make sure he understands what pace is good for you. Be open and nice to each other.
But if you are certain it is too much, it sounds like you have already been trying to figure out how to live without him. Unfortunately, chances are he is not going to ever go back to how you once knew him.
Good luck and hugs <3