My spouse is in a very weird place and mood right now... I am struggling to find equilibrium for the first holiday “in the know” and he’s in this weird gullt-ridden place of trying to “fix things”. My spouse is a stray at home dad and I’ve been working a lot this month. The first two months after he told me he went through a whirlwind of exploring with dressing, etc then purged (not really as I told him tossing money away is not acceptable - he packed everything up - brought back out a week later on the advice of therapist). 

I am in a weird place of acceptance - I would much rather he be able to feel whole and happy in his own skin than depressed or potentially suicidal. He is finding so many ways to avoid dealing with this side of himself. This week it is all about trying to compensate for the hurt he’s caused. I sort of wonder if he has cyclothymia or mania sometimes - yesterday he shoved his face into my bubble because he wanted to tell me “I appreciate you”... great but a little too much just now thanks.

im finding it so hard to be affectionate (never mind intimate) with him right now... the more I ask for him to respect my need for a little space, the clingier he seems to get - he tried hard not to be but seems to just displace it to being codependent in different ways (insisting that I’m the most important thing that matters to him and that he wants to “help me”). We’ve had a few (more than a few!) conversations that he needs to get a job, find some supports to deal with some of this stuff besides just me and the therapist and start doing some things more on his own... but I just don’t see him making any progress or trying.

im having a hard time feeling very christmassy - I can’t find the motivation to get him a gift - he’s already wrapped something ridiculously large for me, even though I’ve said I don’t really want anything this year and had suggested that we not exchange gifts (don’t get me wrong, I would have killed for this kind of treatment 6 months ago!). Now I feel guilted into having to try to find something meaningful for him...

Any advice on how to get through the holiday season? In laws are coming and don’t know about his gender idententity issues...