I'm a 29 year old cisgender woman, and my spouse is transgender. Everyone's journey is so different; my spouse was assigned male at birth, but experimented with cross dressing his whole life starting at a very young age--literally, as long as he can remember. It isn't a choice he made; the female was always in him.

My spouse currently identifies as bigender, so pronouns shift based on how gender is expressed. So, when you see my use of pronouns shifting, know it is deliberate. :-) I know it's confusing (it is for me too) but I'm only talking about one person, who has two gender identities. I left out names for the sake of our anonyminity. 

He was honest with me from the beginning, as much as he was able. When we first met, he said that he liked to cross dress. To me, clothes were just clothes, and I thought of myself of a very progressive person, so that didn't seem a good enough reason not to see where we could go together. We fell in love. I told him he was whole, that there was nothing wrong with him. I told him God loves him, all of him. We picked a name for his female identity. I had struggles, particuarly sexually. I thought of her (the female part of my spouse) more as a friend than a romantic partner. We got married, and at her request, I gave her a bridesmaid's dress.

We've been married for three years. I love this person very much; my first love and my only love. But the longer we were together, the more my spouse wanted to express as a woman. She wanted to go out, to meet people as a woman, to pass. Our church is open and affirming, so she came out there, came to church dressed as her, wig and make up and all. She came out to her parents, dress, make up, wig, and all. And they love her. They don't understand some things and still equate gender identity and expression with sexual orientation in some ways, but they were mostly supportive.

But I found myself terribly uncomfortable and afraid, and on top of that, ashamed of how I felt. I am afraid she will be attacked. I am afraid she will want to be herself all the time, and that the man i love will slowly disappear. Right now, he says no. He still feels attached to being male, and identifies as bigender because both expressions feel important and crucial. But I am not a lesbian. I'm a bit of a tomboy, but not a lesbian. Women are my beloved sisters and friends.

I'm realizing what I've been afraid of admitting for years-- I don't want to be married to a woman. I don't feel romantically or sexually toward her, and my romantic and sexual feelings for him are changing too, the more he talks about her and becomes her. She wants a wedding ring, engagement ring, a wedding. She wants to be seduced and romanced. And I just don't feel that way toward her, and I don't want to fake it. It feel dishonest and hurtful to pretend something I don't feel, for both of us. She deserves to have what I can't give her.

I am so ashamed. I am so sad. I am even jealous of the woman inside of him because I don't want to share. And then I'm ashamed of the jealousy and anger, ashamed that I can't be perfect wife, perfect person. 

I am progressive. I thought of myself as an ally for LGBTQ folks. But every time he changes to her, I feel loss. I think about his body changing if he decides to take horomones, and I just want to cry or throw up. I am discovering that I am attracted to not just biological maleness but masculinity as well. I'm a strong woman. I'm independent. I'm still a bit of a tomboy, too. I want to be with someone even more "masculine" than I am.

I'm a feminist, and an ally. I want her to be happy, my spouse. I want her to be who she is, and know that it is okay, that she is worthy of love. She deserves to have someone romance her and seduce her in a way that I cannot and do not want to give. I don't want to give up my husband, either, but for the past six months, he has been so stressed at work and emotionally and physically distant. With that making me unhappy, I started fantasizing about what it might be like to be married to a man who was only a man. I even wonder if I'd rather be single, that maybe I don't have it in me to be with someone forever. 

I don't think my husband will ever leave me unless it is to become a woman. He won't cheat and he won't hit me. He is a good man. I told him I would never abandon him, even if he became her forever. I wouldn't abandon her, I'd be her defender, her friend, but not her wife. He says, "Well that sucks for me, because I only want you." Well, of course you do. I only love you too. We're together, that's normal. But you don't know what else is out there. All these things you want me to do that I don't want to do, someone else will love doing them. Someone else will be arouse by the woman in you, see all the wonderful things that I see and love it all. Oh, you deserve someone to romance you, seduce you, marry you, beautiful woman that you are, truly. But I can't be what I'm not any more than you can.

So many layers to this-- I am also clergy in training. I feel like I am supposed to be an example to folks in marriage. There just isn't divorce in our family, on my side or his. My side of the family doesn't even know. They are very conservative-- it wouldn't be pretty.

As soon my spouse realized I wasn't as okay as we thought, she lashed out. She said, "You don't love me, you only tolerate me." I was so sure she would leave me, so afraid, so ashamed because she was right, and I'd never admitted it to myself. I wept and begged him to stay. I was so sure that was the only thing that made me special, that I had accepted when others had not. But amazingly, it wasn't. There are parts of me, just me, that s/he loves. And vice-versa, parts of him/her that I love, that don't have to do with how they see me or how I see them.

But I love where being with him has brought me. In some ways, s/he is the only person who truly knows me, in my weakest and strongest, my heart's desires, and my heart's blindspots. He has made me stronger, and I have made him/her stronger. In some ways we are so great together. He looks at me with more devotion than anyone I have ever known. He makes me feel beautiful when I'd mostly always felt plain. Regardless of which gender expressed, my spouse is kind, funny, intelligent, thoughtful, honest, and loving.

I know in this group, we are told to think of ourselves, of what we deserve. But what do I deserve that he hasn't given me? He never lied. Never cheated. Never abused. He is completely devoted to me, and even as a woman, she is willing to stay with me even when I can't give her what she wants. She resisted when a bisexual woman made a pass at her as a woman, because she is devoted to me. What do I deserve that s/he hasn't given me? If I leave, it will be the most selfish thing I've ever done. But yet, it would be one of the least selfish things I've ever done too because I want her to have more than I can give, I know she deserves it.

I don't know if we'll make it. I don't think it would be a failure if we didn't, to be honest. We don't want to have children, so I am not in a rush to figure it out. We take it one day at a time. We didn't get married planning on divorce, but we did get married planning to support each other, love each other, and be loyal to each other, and make each other better, and we have done all of those things and are still doing them. I'll stay as long as we are still doing them. I think he will too. But we both are deserving of being fully loved, as close as we can find on this earth. Even if he never decides to transition, s/he deserves to be fully loved, seduced, romanced. So do I. I know God brought us together, and that God will remain with us whether we stay married or not. One day at a time, because that is how every life must be lived.

Thanks for reading.