From my experience, they'll never slow down. The fact that he started hormones without talking about it is so disrespectful. Mine at least told me, though he never ASKED if I was ok with it. I'm sorry but he is going to be his number 1 priority while transitioning and possibly even after that. You will never be able to compete with that and you (and your kids) deserve better!

Mine never told me of the hormones...about to be married 20 years...we live separate in our house at different ends of the house. He told my daughter of the hormones (she is 38) and even ask her to feel if his boobs were growing WHAT??? she finally had to block his phone number as he called her over and over and even early morning as she sleep with her husband and three boys. They become or at least mine did so self centered and so angry at the spouse as if it is our fault. I just found this site this week. Would love to find the strength that some of you have. I have been living in shame and despair
for over 13 years...now I find there are others like me. Love to you ALL

Oh my gosh!! This feels like I wrote it!! You are NOT AloneInThis!! Seriously... except for the basement part and the HRT, it's exactly my story!! He just came out to me 6 mnths ago, so I'm expecting the HRT soon... I think that is my line. Of course that's what I think now... but how do you untangle your life from someone you are so intertwined with? He is my best friend too... and I think to myself, could I stay and just be his buddy? Then I think... what the hell? How much do I give up of MY life? I don't think I could be with anyone else, nor do I want to... so do I just stay and be one of those wives I used to look at and pity for being in a loveless marriage? Oh my gosh... I can't believe how similar.

18 yrs together, 3 kids (11, 9 and 5)... and he's my best friend. I can't imagine my life without him, yet I have been forced to think about it as a possibility. It's just a mess.

Hey Athena,

Untangling your life from the loved one you built it with will probably be one of your greatest challenges. It is one that any person going through divorce has to face and I think our struggle makes things especially difficult because we are also mourning the loss of the person we love.

With that being said, your life will never be the same. NEVER. I am sorry to say this (because I know how very much it hurts and how hard it is to accept) but the life and person you knew will never be again. I finally came to gripes with this (after knowing the truth for 11 months) and that's when I filed for divorce. There is much sadness when I think of how I never got to say good-bye to that man and that life BUT my head is finally clear in that I know I need to do this and I know it will hurt but I must get through it and I WILL. If I want any happiness in my future and a stable life for my kids (5 and 1) I must do this. When I say that I never got to say good-bye, I mean that my husband started dressing and changing immediately after telling me. I so wish that we could have taken a few pictures together (especially with my newborn daughter) before this transition began. But I didn't get that. Consider yourself lucky if you do.

I am here if you ever need to talk!

Thanks my friend... yes, I do know what you mean. I'm grateful that he still expresses in male form for now. His job and our community won't allow him to dress fem. I have been taking more photos together... amazing how that kind of instinctively happens. I hate photos of myself because I'm obese, but after this happened... I don't give a shit anymore. I'll take the photo, and keep the photo too. I do love him and that won't change. He's changing and I'm slowly burying the man I love. It's the weirdest thing.... It's like a Zombie Widow... he's alive and yet you are dead inside.

I told him that last night... in my download (I said a lot of things last night)... that we will NEVER be the same. If we stay together and he stops what he's doing, we will always know what he truly is. If he doesn't stop, I can't do it forever. It's a catch 22.

Aloneinthis,
You are not alone sweetie, there sadly are thousands of us, all blindsided, rattled, grieving & scared shitless. You are smart to come looking for answers. I am into a 25 yr marriage that started out as "openly crossdresser". It's NEVER just about the clothes, it will never be enough for them It is a fetish, an addiction & an obsession. Just like drugs, they are constantly chasing that high they first felt when they slipped on a pair of panties. And for every 2 things they admit to, there are 50 left hidden. If you dig deeper you will find it is so much more.

Get counselling JUST for you
Find a friend you trust with YOUR heart, do NOT isolate
Get your cards in order, but do it STEALTH (even the most "sweetest of bff's/soul mates" turn nasty when you become the gatekeeper instead of enabler.and will bring out the big guns to protect their secret, finances, future, freedom)
Do NOT trust them when they say, "This is all it is, I want to stay married"
TG NEVER just "shows up" later /midway. They knew all along but lied to us.


I have just found out that my husband is indeed gay, even though he has always "sworn on his grandmother's grave" he was straight. He still denied it even though i have concrete proof. My story is no different than everyone else's story. Sadly, there are far too many beautiful, loving, caring, supportive spouses out there that fall prey to chickenshit bullshiters.

You deserve so much more out of life than this pain you are feeling right now. We all know exactly how it feels. Bless you, keep posting & keep searching these types of forums. You will see the same MO & pattern & weirdly, it may give you piece of mind knowing it was nothing personal, you are not the only one that has fallen prey & there is so much advice on rebuilding your spirit & self back up.

You deserve happiness & love just as he xx

Thanks so much for support. I am working and struggling very much with trying to separate emotionally. I still live here. Everything he does makes me so mad. We fight about it over and over again(quietly) I need to get to a place where I just let him be him, and shut it off inside. I just don't know how. I wish everyone the best in their struggles. I know it hurts. I wish I could learn to not express my hurt as anger with him.

Loveliessleeping is SO right! I came to the realization on my own that he was on this high-speed train and was going to leave me and the kids in the dust if we weren't on board. After telling him I wanted a divorce, I came across a couple of messages he sent to friends (yes I was snooping a little) but to 3 different people he said "I will sacrifice everything, even my marriage just to be who I'm supposed to." Not only was that like a dagger to the heart but it just confirmed for me that I was making the right choice. It hurts like hell, getting to this point, but I am past that deep dark hole I was in. Before deciding on divorce, I felt hopeless because I was caught trying to figure out whether or not I could live a life with this person whom I did not agree to be with. I knew I couldn't be happy but was back and forth about "truly loving him" and of course, for the kids. I think in my heart, I knew the answer all along but it's never easy to come to the conclusion of having to end your marriage.

Anyhow, I'm rambling. But you WILL BE OK, I promise. And as scary and tough and unimaginable it all seems, you will eventually find relief in not having him around all the time. For me, the first 2 weeks were really tough but now, when he does come over, I feel my body tense up right away.

All of you are not alone in this struggle, not by any means. I too am going through the early stages of distancing myself from him. We've been married for 26 years and he told me about his gender dysphoria three and a half years ago. Don't kid yourself in thinking they can continue to hide it for the sake of your marriage. The lying and deceit will continue. Do I sound angry? You bet I am! This is not how I envisioned my golden years. I never expected my life to be so intertwined with such a narcissistic person. Fortunately it sounds as many of you still have young children to help you push through. Mine are grown. I'm at that stage where it's hard to make myself get out of bed each day. Most people don't understand, so I'm happy you're all here.

Leftbehind, I grieve for you. Our husbands tell us how they lived this false life before of acting male and how they wasted their lives in their lie... a lie we were not privy to, nor did we have anything to do in the creation of it, yet somehow we need to adjust and conform to THEM. You held on for a very long time considering. If I didn't have small children and he would have done this, I think within a few months I would be gone. I personally, only hold of for them, not for him, not for me. They are blissfully unaware of their father's behavior, so it wouldn't make sense to tear our family apart, it would actually be selfish of me. If however, he does decide to come out and be open, then I would HAVE to leave him for the sake of the children. I cannot have an openly fake marriage. Right now, mine has slowed down, and will probably suppress for a while. I'm not naive, I know it will surface again, but now I'm aware and taking measures. I will start working again and saving for my kids and myself outside of his grasp. I will not be fooled again. For now, we act like everything is as it was before all this happened. I know it's risky, but I need to give my kids a chance to grow up with their parental unit in tacked. We are still very much in love and he's very caring toward me, so in that sense it's not fake. I love the man he is and I still have affection toward him, I just can't trust him emotionally like I did before... looking over my shoulder.

I'm glad you are here too leftbehind, and I hope you can at least have a place to vent and express yourself without judgment, or even worse, having to cater to someone else's feelings!! We all know that I'm talking about right? ;-) Welcome friend!