Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
Hello. My name is Jane. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for two years now. About 4 months into the relationship he told me that he liked to cross dress. He was adamant that he wasn't gay. He just gets turned on by wearing womens clothes. I was okay with that. We even played with it. Me dressindressing him up, him trying on my clothes. We've even had sex while he was dressed up. I did research and found out it happens. Straight men sometimes are cross dressers, it doesn't mean they're any less straight. But yesterday he revealed a secret to me. He told me that before he and I got together he allowed one of his male friends to give him a blow job. He told me that when he's dressed up as a woman he feels like he wants to have sex with a man. He said he only feels this way when he's dressed up. He says that when he's in his normal clothes he never looks at men. He never thinks about them sexually but as soon as he's dressed up as "Lynda" (his name for himself) he has these urges. He says this is why he's has not proposed to me. He's afraid we'lol get married and he won't be able to stop himself from fulfilling that fantasy. I told him we could work on it. We've introduced his fetish into our sex life before so why don't we try this too. So I ordered a CYBERSKIN dildo and a harness. But I don't k own if I'm making a mistake. I love him so much. I want to be with him. But am I taking this too far? I'm not attracted to Lynda. I do get turned on watching how excited he gets during role playing sex. But I don't know if buying a strap on and trying to fulfill this need for him is a step too far. I don't know if one day my boyfriend will go from being transgender to being homosexual. First it was just cross dressing. Now it's this. I know that he enjoyed the blow job from his friend. He feels ashamed and guilty that he did....I'm so confused. I can't talk to any of my friends about this. Do I lose the man I love, cut bait and run? Or do I play along and see where this goes? My heart is slowing breaking. Please help. Any advice you can give I'd appreciate.
I hate to tell you this. In my experience his urges will only grow stronger and stranger. My advice would be to end the relationship. Your sexuality, and comfort are as important as his. Are you going too far? That's up to you. If you are going out of your comfort zone and doing things only for him, that do not feel natural or fun to you in your sex life, you shouldn't be doing it. I commend you for how hard you have tried to make this work. You are a jewel of a woman, and deserve better. I know it will be very painful to let go of someone you love so much. Staying with him will not get easier and leaving only gets harder.
Not only are you confused, so is he. He still has much to work out about his identity. Being in a relationship with someone who is transgender or possibly denying his homosexuality, can be very soul crushing and do a great deal of damage to your self esteem.
It is sad, and I'm am so sorry you are in such pain. DO find someone to talk to. You'd be surprised how willing those who care about you will be to support you.
I wish you strength and courage.
Herstory
These desires of his will become stronger. He will want to dress as a woman more and more. Would you be okay with that? Even if he is more attracted to men when he dresses up?
Is he already going out in public as Lynda? I'm assuming so if he is only attracted to men when he is dressed as a woman. Either he was dressed as Lynda or he was himself when he engaged in this homosexual act.
You both have a lot to figure out. I know it is hard. My husband and I were together over 20 years before he told me he was a cross dresser. Now, I am 50 and starting over with 2 teen girls in tow.
Anyway, have you ever done a vision board? Perhaps do one. What kind of relationship do you see for yourself? What do you want or need from it? Allow yourself to dream. Do you see yourself walking hand in hand with your husband or wife?
I wish you well, and as Herstory said "strength and courage." There is much wisdom in her post though. "Staying with him will not get easier and leaving only gets harder." OMGosh. There is so much truth in that.
Good luck to you whatever you decide to do.
:) Lynn
And now for the big, really anti male comment...I have a very dear very gay male friend. He's been like my brother for the past 34 years. Although he fantasizes about finding the right guy and settling down, he will tell you that gay men prefer the simple no strings attached sex. That many of the men who solicit on line or through these where are you apps are married men who like to have gay encounters...they will even say I'm married with three kids but don't want my wife to find out. Can you trust this man? Can you trust that he won't be having no strings attach d sex while he's out with his buddies for the night? Can you trust that he will not take his cross dressing fetish any further? I thought I knew my ex better than anyone else. I thought the secrets he did share were so intense and dramatic and personal that he couldn't possibly hide anything else from me. I was wrong. I hate to be a hater, but certain men(not all) are lying pieces of $@!/. Please do not be naive enough to think he will always tell you the truth. It's one thing to lie about how many beers you had on the way home from work with the guys. It's another to lie about your sexuality and essence. Please be 100% sure there is no one else on this planet for you and you have no chance in hell of meeting anyone else before you put your own needs and sexual desires on the back burner. Remember...we all change as we age...what you may think is ok today may not be ten years from now. I thought I could live with the cross dressing as long as I didn't see it. Ten years later, all the anger and denial surfaced with an explosion....three years after the divorce he is no longer of the male persuasion. Men lie. Sexually deviant men lie real good.
Reggie
PS...I am now with a wonderful man who adores my three children...this NEVER would have happened if I hadn't said enough and cut my losses.
I've been married for 21 years now, to an actually really good guy. A year ago he broke this news to me. We have 3 kids, one who will be shipping of to the navy in July, and two in elementary school. My H is trying very hard to fight his own urges, but how long cancan he keep it up? How long can I hold onto this bitterness without bursting? Financially, nothing can be done right now, but I feel like I ultimately know where this will end, and I feel I'm coming to term with this.
At this point, I have 3 amazing kids, and would not trade this for anything, but had he been honest with me long ago, I would like to tobk that I would have been able to see the Harmful effects, on eventing involved, and gotten out.
Think about you. Think about if you want kids. Think about if you want to deal with this for the rest of your life. If you have kids, you will be dealing with this person for the rest of your life. Whether you're with that man or not. You will be dealing with him.