Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
Hello. I was just told on our 16year wedding anniversary that my husband knows he’s a woman. He has been playing the part of a man for 30 years and can’t hide it any longer. He had already had appts to get blood work for hormones etc. before he told me. He only said something because I was upset that for the first time in our lives he forgot our wedding anniversary. I have gone thru so many emotions. From what am I going to do now to I feel so bad for him that he has had to hide this for so long. We were high school sweethearts who lost track of each other and then got back together 10 years later and got married after we both went through a divorce. He actually searched me out.
I typically take care of everyone before myself. I am struggling to take care of everyone and myself. I have changed so many things to help him since I was told in December of 2017. I am trying to help him and be there for him because he said he was the same person inside. But all I’ve been seeing is a huge change in him. He is changing everything to be a woman. He is happy if I’m going along with it. Then is shocked when it’s too much for me all at once. I told him I will try this as long as he is still the person I married in his heart. I said there would be bad days and good. When I feel sad or need my husband I am supposed to tell him so we can talk it thru. I tell him then he gets upset saying I thought everything was fine... why are you upset.... we were just good. Then asks me to be ok with yet another change he is doing. He even told our kids with out me after we agreed to do it together so they could see I supported him. He keeps doing things selfishly without thinking of everyone else around him. I feel so torn. He is not the same person I married. It’s a completely different person. He agrees that he won’t do x and then does it anyway and the apologizes for it then does something similar again. What should I do? There is so much more to this but I just wanted to see if anyone had gone thru this and if they could help me. I don’t want to lose him if he is still the person that loves me and wants to stay with me.
Everything you said you are experiencing sounds pretty normal for the situation. You aren't alone and it sounds like you are trying hard and doing everything as best you can. Your husband needs to understand that if he values your marriage, there is going to have to be a balance - it will need to be a joint venture. He may need to slow down and be more considerate of your plight. It is not impossible. You guys can do it if you are both committed to making it work. A therapist will help immensely.
Good luck!
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I really admire you because it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and you are doing your best.
The thing that really sticks out to me from your story is that your spouse told your kids without you when you guys had agreed to do it together. That's really inconsiderate and unfair to you and your kids. Are you guys seeing a couples counselor? If not, I would ask your spouse to see one together. If your spouse really wants to stay together, they need to recognize that it's imperative to make those decisions together.
I know our spouses can't always keep their promises about they will or won't do in their transition, but at the bare minimum, our spouses do need to acknowledge that this is difficult for us and that certain decisions, like when to tell kids, need to be made together.
I definitely feel your pain when you say your spouse just wants everything to be good and happy. My spouse has said similar things. Unfortunately, my spouse will need to acknowledge that these changes just may not work for me. It's like dating a new person and it might not work out.