I understand. My "husband" doesn't want to be called a husband either. I refer to him as my spouse, but it hurts that my husband doesn't exist anymore. I stopped wearing my wedding ring some time ago because my husband is "gone." It breaks my heart to see ladies proudly wearing their wedding rings and mine is buried in the jewelry box.

Hang in there LD. You're not alone. Hugs.

How bittersweet that I am not alone. Thank you for posting and I am sorry you have to deal with this too

That is sad. As we are not married that issue hasn't come up. I hear of a lot of people not wanting to be 'dad' to their kids! I don't understand that, you fathered a child, your sperm made them - you are their father!
I've told my partner that I won't be able to see him as anything other than *his name* and use male pronouns, and he is fine with that. He gets it. HE sees himself as *his name* too. He actually doesn't get all that 'dead name' stuff. But then he isn't planning to socially transition at all, so I guess he's different.
We shall see if anything changes in the future.
Sending you both massive hugs xxx

I'm sorry. *hugs*

My heart is breaking for you. My spouse has not asked me to change names, titles, or pronouns (yet) but it pains me enough just to *know* that "he" isn't there and "he" never existed. Even though my spouse still goes by all the male naming, I try sometimes here to refer to her neutrally or properly because that's how she feels inside. I do it out of respect and truth and reality... and also to help myself get used to it. But it makes me so sad. Not primarily because my spouse is a woman but because I had been in the dark about it for 23 years. It makes those 23 years feel so... misleading. I understand why but it doesn't make the feelings about it go away.

Hang in there. His happiness about being a husband is NO reflection on you!

<3

"he" isn't there and "he" never existed.

That makes it sound so sad. But he DID exist. I don't think being trans needs to mean your previous life didn't happen, that it was ALL a lie - it wasn't. A lot of transwomen will say that a part of their maleness will always be with them, and many of them are thankful for that part of their lives, and sometimes even embracing it. Meeting their partners, falling in love, having children - you can't say that that was all pretense, surely?

Maybe I see things differently in that my partner is still identifying as gender fluid, never more than about 60% female - even after 4 months on Estrogen. He's only known he's trans for maybe 4/5 years.... he is still not clear about who or what he is, perhaps he never will be. But I don't see our 25 years as a lie at all, and neither does he.

Don't think your 23 years were all fake. There must have been good, true and real times. Those times matter.

Stay strong xxxx

My husband has said more than once that "he" never existed. that "he" was pretending. So yes, that makes the 10 years a lie and I never actually knew him as he kept "her" well hidden until well after we were married.

Sylph,

I very carefully chose "misleading" instead of saying those years were a lie. I know that not everything about those years were a lie, but I do think the "he" part was fake. And I do think the how I saw my spouse had a component of being untrue or imaginary. My spouse is definitely binary and definitely a woman, not gender fluid or androgynous, so all the male part was a role, a mask that he faked and was not comfortable in. I know that doesn't mean he did not appreciate our marriage or love having kids. That part is not fake. But he would have preferred it to be a lesbian union and that he could have carried and bore the children. That was always there and I didn't know. This part makes me sad. It makes me sad because I thought we knew each other intimately -- 100%, but I was so wrong. Maybe the "lie" is that I thought we were completely upfront with each other, but we weren't... or "he" wasn't. :(

Hi my little pink chicken, yes I guess I see what you're saying. But I suppose your spouse hasn't known his whole life that he's trans, has he? I'm assuming when you met he thought he was a man. He wasn't consciously pretending to you then, but was possibly pretending to himself. This is something I talk to my partner about quite often, it's a difficult and complicated concept to work out, and to come to terms with, so I can see why you're struggling.
I get the upfront bit though, like you, my partner kept this secret for a few years and I find that betrayal hard to come to terms with, still.
Ldmessing, that is so sad, sending you a big hug xxx

My husband has said he has known his whole life that he was born into the wrong sex. When we met, he presented fully as male, facial hair and all, so YES, he was pretending. He even said that had he told me early on I would have told him to get lost.

Yes, I know not all of the pretending was conscious and intentional and none of it was malicious in nature. He had feelings about it as long as he can remember. But he did definitely know for certain for 10 years (had been posting on Susan's that long) and he never did choose to come out to me, rather than he got caught in one of his 'obscuring of the facts'. That hurts. But I have to admit, even when he was misleading himself and in denial, I am finding it hard to accept that for those 13 years I knew him -- before he was able to name his true identity -- that the person I knew wasn't quite the same as what was hidden deep inside. And I had no idea. I know it is no use to be stuck in the past, but I can't get around it. Or maybe I will get around it but I need to accept that it is painful and unchangeable. The other hard part is that I am still not certain that I know who he is.

I don't know why I can't let this go. It would be better for me if I could. I'm trying. I imagine it will just take awhile.

cluck cluck cluck <3

Gallinarosa - I have been feeling the exact same thing. I don't understand how he kept so much of himself hidden. And if you are hiding so much and lying (or just keeping secrets) then what else were you hiding or keeping secrets about? And how do I know you aren't anymore? Do I know your actual favorite color or was that part of you being a "man"? It just hurts so much to think about the person I shared every part of myself with not sharing anything about themselves that was real.

It also seems like each time I think I've let it go and moved on it sneaks back up and I get angry and hurt all over again.