You are right to be shocked. You are right to be angry. You are right to want to go back. We get it, we have all been there and are still going through it all. This is the hardest thing I've had to go through in my life. The loss of my husband while he is still in my face everyday. It's the weirdest thing in the world. You'll go through many stages, just know that you are not alone. The stages of grieving are not enough for this crap.... you'll go through them ALL AT ONCE! Every day is a rollercoaster. You'll feel so much within a few days, hours, minutes even. Just don't beat yourself up. Everyone told me to take care of myself and it seemed impossible... eventually you will.

These are the things I went through:
Anger
Confusion
Crying
Sadness
Planning (starting to plan for my exit)
Guilt
I wanted to help him
I wanted to hurt him
I felt sexually turned on
I felt sexually disgusted
I had thoughts of fugue (but I have kids and can't leave)
I had thoughts of death (not quite suicidal, but didn't care if I died, or if he did.... very strange)
Basically wanting to escape my situation
Wanting to throw him out
Wanting to burn all his girl stuff
Jealousy of "her"
Jealousy of him taking more time for "her" and for getting nicer things than me
Angry about money spending
Scared
Terrified of the future
Hopeful (thinking I can do this for the rest of my life)
Doubting my decisions (past and future)
Caring for him
Hating him
Grossed out
Wanting to tell the world
Not wanting to talk about a thing
Wanting him to tell me everything
Wanting to stay in the dark
Feelings of betrayal
Feeling foolish
Feeling confident
Feeling strong
Feeling confused
All this probably in a span of an hour. I'm not kidding. It's the most confusing thing that has ever happened to me, and I'm a very logical person. I don't like having all these emotions and thoughts. It makes me feel crazy... but I know that I'm not the crazy one and that I haven't done anything wrong. It's ultimately HIS choice, and these guys try to put it on us. I'm learning to stand up to him and remind him that this is all him. I didn't do this, I didn't ask for this, this is completely HIS journey.

So my friend, please try to take care of yourself. Find someone trustworthy you can confide in and can put up with your ups and downs.... because they will come in so many waves, you'll get seasick!

You'll be tempted to talk to him, for he IS your best friend after all... but you'll find soon, that only he matters to him and anything you are going through is just "persecution" on him. He'll ask you not to take all this personally, but HE will take EVERYTHING personally. He might get angry at you and push you further away, or like my husband, actually get closer... for him... he feels the closest to me he has ever felt, probably because his secret is out with me, but I feel the furthest I have ever.

Good luck my friend, and know that you can come here and vent. (I personally have been away from here for awhile because it started getting a little biting, that we who complain or have the need to vent, are just being bitches and that we should accept all this... screw that... we don't have to do anything we don't want to).

I would love to tell it gets easier but I will not lie to you. It is hard I think of it as a roller coaster. We have are good days and bad days. I would recommend that you both find a support group. We belong to one where both are welcome. You and your husband. The one we belong to treat the wives with respect. The wives get together at the same time and place as they do. It helps to have others who have been there.
Baby steps you need to take baby steps. Most of all talk, yell scream whatever it takes to make him listen to you. In my case we were for 25 years and I did not have clue. Betrayed, hurt resentful that he kept it from me. You will have to make your own choices. What works for some don't work for others. I wanted to learn as much as I could. So, with both of shaking we headed out for our first meeting. We were lucky enough to meet a wonderful couple who took both of us under their wings. Her husband taught mine how to dress and do make up. She listened to me. Told me I had the control. Set limits of when and where he could dress. If I was comfortable with something, he could not do it. We have come along ways since them. We go shopping, out to dinner the movies or whatever else we feel like doing. I don't know where you are from but if you are near Orlando let me know I would love for you and your spouse to come to a meeting to see what it is like. What we are not is a meat market. We are not there to get picked up. We even provide a changing room for those that can't leave the house dressed. The girls (crossdressers or whatever they preferred to called) are more than willing to help him. The ladies (Wives or real women) are there for you. The wives go off on our own some times. This month we are going to a dinner theater. Sometimes the whole group goes out. We always have fun.
Our son knows the rest of the family doe not. I would not recommend telling someone outside. They may not keep it to themselves. It could make it worse for you. If you need to vent I am here.

Thank you so much for all you guys have to say. I'm glad I'm not a long on here. Right now I feel like my life is on hold. What is he going to do? He's going to see a therapist and tells me not to worry everything is going to be ok. That's bullshit. My world will never be the same. I have no friends and I trust no one. Im in NC in a small town. I'm hoping to fine a support group but I'm not even sure that's what I want to do. I need a place to vent and I think this is a good start.

Browsing through these posts as I try to come to terms with this shocking news in my own life. I was completely unaware when I made a discovery that outted him only to learn he has been hiding it from me for over 20 years. I have never cried so much in my life. And if the gender issues are not enough, that violation of trust will be hard to overcome. I am wondering how this is going for the OP. Is she still here? Is her husband still okay living as a man? Mine tells me he has for so long that he's okay with it, that it is not worth the trade-offs and he can't see himself making any outwardly changes. I want to believe him, but my trust is shaken and from everything I've read, his urges will just get stronger and he will not be satisfied or happy living as a man. I am sure there is a spectrum of TG, I just don't know enough and have not seen much online about more mild cases so I don't know if they exist at all. Going to therapy soon, but every day, hour, minutes feels like an eternity while life hangs in this unknown limbo. So glad just to know none of my feelings are unique. I thank you all for sharing.