1sorrylot,

You were a lot more supportive than I was. I am hopeful that your husband will respect your boundaries. It has been my experience that boundaries are not respected and the lies/deceit not only continue but increase in frequency and scope. We had a rather large house and I asked for him to keep his girl clothing in the basement and not bring it into our martial bedroom. Within a matter of months, this boundary was obliterated. A friend of mine found his female Facebook profile that was set up behind my back with pictures of him pretending to be a girl in our marital bedroom.

I have heard of cases where people can stay together in a relationship between straight spouse and trans spouse. The odds are against you, but it can be done if you are willing to make sacrifices. I am not willing to lose myself to keep my husband happy, and he knew my stance on this topic before we were married. I truly feel as though the man I fell in love with has died and been replaced with some person I don't know. And I have no patience for this new person because I wanted the man I fell in love with back. I hope this did not happen to you. But if it does, know that we will all be here for you.

Best wishes,
Ponygirl

Thanks Ponygirl11 - I really have tried to be supportive but it really isn't fair that we have to accept or loose. I still believe its a mental illness like someone who wants to be an animal and dresses and behaves like one, I know it's not PC to say so. My husband disagrees :)

I think you are doing an amazing job. Your hubby is very lucky to have you helping him in this very strange journey your marriage is on. It does become very much about them and we as the family nurturer end up caring and looking after them, but who is looking after us?
It does feel like a mental illness but I am trying to look at it like a disability my husband has and doesn't really have any control over it. He did try to supress it for a very long time but it nearly crippled him emotionally.
Our husbands have to be understanding that this revelation has tipped our world, marriage, family and future upside down for most of us and they need to work hard at righting things in the relationship before progressing with their gender issues. If we don't get the support we need from them we are then unable to support them, everyone loses.
I hope things improve soon for you.

So ihave been here, in this exact position. I have three kids, ranging from 17 down to 8. Find strength. Find faith, find a confidant, find some one....not him....to help hold you up when you need it. Practice scenarios I your head. Yes, it is miserable when you see thelittle old couple holding hands, becausethat will limely NOT be y8u, u less you want toseehim forever indrag holdingthathat had......I mean what kind of a ridiculous picture is that In your minds eye.

We are still together. Somethimes it seems like it may work, but I have to be realistic. I have to knkw I can make it without him. I have always been the one to be engaged in things with the kids. I have always been the one to do just about everything. If he is looking to me for some sort of approval, unfortunately, he will not be getting it from me.

I know I sound harsh, but I feel as thoug I am perpetually ina self preservation mode.

Were he really the woman he thinks himself, he would be more concerned with the kids, the finances, how he is going to be affecting those around him that love him. Clearly, he is not....THIS is NOT how men think. They think dressing up and trying to look pretty is going to fix everything. It is not.

When all of this came out, I spoke with my cousin about everything. She made a nice point at the time. She said "if I could put some Particular clothes on that just made me feel good, and seemed to make my problems go away, I sure would." Well, I sat and festered upon that for quite sometime. Here are couple of my thoughts on the issue. First off, this sounds, In a very clinical way, very much like an addiction. What do we try to do with addictions? We work thru them and try to conquor them, not coddle and nurture them. They will eventually end up ruining and destroying the addicted, and sometimes their family members.

But even more important to me personally....if I could put something on that physically made things in this world feel so much better....then I am doing something HORRIBLY wrong in my own life. Where is my faith? Where is my spirituality! Where is my belief IN GOD, that comforts me in the things that are not meant for me. I would be an empty, aimless shell. God is what I personally need to fill these voids I my life, to help me find a real purpose, instead of just the selfish need to just please myself at the expense of lovedones. What a miserable existance!

So right now, if things can be worked out, that would be awesome....but I am leaning on the Lord right now for strength. There is so muchmore than the here and now. What we do here is to prepare us for the rest of eternity. Don't take me as a crazy religious nut...I am absolutely not, I have just found my strength in my faith growing as time continues and I have no choice but to work thru this. If clothing were to fill your soul with what you truely needed, what a sad day it would be, dont you think? I sure do....and I am not about to let it take over my life anymore, nor the children I have been blessed with!

I realize I sound harsh, but I have been dealing with this from the perspective of someone who found out about the transgendering after the divorce so all of my anger and reasons for divorcing him when he was lying to me about what he did on his business trips and lying to me about the cross dressing and lying to me about working on his problems with his long term therapist were already on the table. I had to deal with the secrecy behind the divorce...when people asked why I couldn't tell them that he was a cross dresser and a liar so I lied and said I just wasn't happy. I endured a lot of disgusted looks from my "friends" because how could I be so selfish...he was such a nice guy, a great dad and a good provider and I was such a bitch for breaking up the family. If you could have heard the anger and disgust my then 17 year old daughter spewed at me for being so selfish and ruining the family....well, lucky or unlucky for me, when he openly and I mean openly...went to my son's Middle School graduation in full drag in front of everyone my son and I knew...when my daughter and my closest friends found out the real reason for the divorce, they apologized and supported me...but I am still uncomfortable being around the community...back to school night...school functions...yes I am embarrassed and humiliated and yes the looks of pity from some and the nasty looks from the bitches in town hurt. But the most humiliating part was having someone ask me how I couldn't know after having had three children and sex with him for 20 years.
20 years. He started cross dressing when he was 13 or 14. He came into the marriage hiding something major from me. He continued to cross dress on his business trips. I spent the greater part of those 20 years alone wiping noses and changing diapers and running to the doctor etc by myself because he was gone on business trips every week for "our future." In reality he volunteered for these trips so he could have the freedom to dress as a woman in his hotel room and then eventually go out in public six states away. If the shoe was on the other foot and you went on business trips and dressed up to the nines and went prowling around bars...would your husband be ok with that when he thought you were just heading back to a lonely hotel room and cable and room service because this was your job and you had to travel for yourfuture together? He lied.
Everything I knew about him was a lie. How could I trust him for anything.
This is the way I look at it. If I were having an affair before I got married and continued that affair throughout my marriage and only fessed up because I got caught and my husband decided to divorce me because he couldn't trust me, no one would blame him, right? Why stay with a man you never really knew? Why stay with a man who has lied about his essence since you met him? Why put yourself and your children through it? Why wait until you're too old and damaged to try to find someone who will love you enough to put you and your needs first? Why subject yourself to the day to day angst? Why? The whole push behind acceptance is this do what is good and right for me. Why aren't you included in this sentiment?

Reggie61, I almost feel like I wrote your story! It is unbelievable! I have the 17 year old. I have the 2 other kids, but ages 10 and 8. Any problems we have that the new 7 year old knows about are all MY fault! . He is getting ready to enlist in the service. I have been blessed though in that my Heart doesn't wantake to come all out. He wants to "keep " me. ......but I have to admit, I don't know if I want to be "kept"......I don't know if I can be! I want to be happy, without being disgusted by the thought of things, or by hugging him and feeling the bra that he has decided to underdress with that day. I know he is trying, but I don't know if I can much more!

Reggie61, I almost feel like I wrote your story! It is unbelievable! I have the 17 year old. I have the 2 other kids, but ages 10 and 8. Any problems we have that the new 17 year old knows about are all MY fault! . He is getting ready to enlist in the service. I have been blessed though in that my H doesn't want to come all out. He wants to "keep " me. ......but I have to admit, I don't know if I want to be "kept"......I don't know if I can be! I want to be happy, without being disgusted by the thought of things, or by hugging him and feeling the bra that he has decided to underdress with that day. I know he is trying, but I don't know if I can much more!