Sorry to hear this, it really sounds to me like there is a lack of understanding a communication between the two of you. I can't remember, but are you with a therapist? That would help I think. Have you been clear from the start that you won't like the physical changes? Did he understand that, or did he think you'd suddenly look and think 'hey, I was wrong, I actually love this look and and have to keep telling him so'.? What the hell did he expect? Sorry, but this kind of thing makes me really mad. Some of our spouses just expect SO much from us. Whatever happened to empathy, patience and compromise?

I too don't see how you can take 'we can't stay married' out of context. They are pretty clear words. I do think you need to both work out what you want from the marriage, what you can put up with, and set some boundaries. At least for now.

You are quite right to set your own pace, you really HAVE to take care of your own needs, and he really can't complain.

Wishing you love and strength xxx

I told him a long time ago, that if he chose to present as female around me, I worry that I will find it a turn off, which of course is exactly what happened. The more from the less attracted I get.

Setting boundaries has not worked, he just steamrolled over each one. I asked for more time to get my head around things, he refused to accommodate me

Selfish. Narcissistic. No empathy. No patience. All very male traits, if you ask me.

I think they like to throw out extremes like "we can't stay married" in hopes that we will say, "No, no, no... we can make this work - don't worry". It is cruel and emotionally abusive because it allows his emotional needs to trample all over yours. But it is done from a place of weakness. You are the strong one. Remember that. Remain strong. Stand your ground for yourself. It sounds like everything you said was reasonable and thoughtful. (And he was quite the opposite.)

Our husbands sound similar. I am feeling your hurt. Your identity matters too. Your needs matter. These do sound like male behaviors. But it probably won't help to say that. Boundaries are hard to uphold if they don't respect us. We walk a hard path.

My spouse got very angry with me when I refused to go to the endocrinologist with him. It wasn't because I didn't want to support him, but I had to take care of myself in that moment. I mentioned this later and he was still not understanding saying that I had originally agreed to go--as if I can't change my mind?

I find my spouse is unable to make space for my emotions and feelings and what I would like in a spouse to be able to make space for that.

I'm so sorry that your spouse is acting this way Ldmessing. It sounds like you've been very clear about your needs, but your spouse is unable to accomodate you. I think if your spouse needs to do what they need to do at the pace they need to do it, they need to realize that they are not going to find the support they need from you. This isn't because you are bad person or anything, it's just that you are in a lot of pain right now and you aren't the right person to provide that on-demand support. It's so hard to be compassionate and give support when you, yourself are in pain.

Please keep taking care yourself. You deserve it. You are worth it.

cora, I said pretty much that last night. I told him that if all of his focus is on HIM and HIS pace, then he is leaving nothing to support me, and that leaves me unable to support him in return. sigh, he still didn't get it.

Ldmessing, I am really sorry. None of this is easy. Sometimes I think it is harder for the person transitioning to have a spouse. There may be a desire to shed the weight of a marriage. I think the person transitioning is battling their own insecurities and maybe even self hatred, and it is really easy to place that negativity on the spouse. It's not fair to you. You didn't invite this and you have your own challenging experience that I hope he will respect. It kind of reminds me of a teenager's mentality when they treat their parents poorly so that they can figure out who they are separate from their thoughts and opinions. But I doubt that you wanted to marry a teenager, and it sucks that you're going through this.